The article helps to get an idea of what a really strong relationship is and what to do if a guy starts beating or a husband beats every day, as well as typical situations and possible solutions.
A man raises his hands up with a woman what does this gesture mean
If a man in the presence of a woman begins to raise his hands up, throw them over his head, tighten his muscles, then in this way he can show her his superiority, strength and readiness to attack at any second.
Why a man raises his hand to a woman psychology, reasons, what to do, who he is
Men can afford to raise a hand against a woman for several reasons. The most common cause of male domestic violence is a living example of such behavior in his family. If, as a young boy, he often witnessed parental fights, then an opinion was formed in his head that this kind of relationship is normal and acceptable.
It is not uncommon for men to beat women because of mental or psychological problems. Such men have low self-esteem, they lack self-confidence. Due to the humiliation and resentment of a weak person, they assert themselves.
Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for a husband to throw out accumulated aggression when beating his beloved wife. If he is under pressure at work, and at the same time he does not attend any sports sections where he could give away all the negativity, then the second half can become a pear.
Not a small proportion of family fights men start under the influence of alcohol. In this state, they are not able to control themselves, and can often regret what they have done when they come to their senses.
Sometimes men raise their hand to a woman as a result of her constant provocations.
A pregnant woman, first of all, should not take care of herself, but of that little man who is completely defenseless inside her. If there is at least some threat to the life and health of the baby, the expectant mother needs to run away from her without looking back, and even more so without thinking about whether she is doing the right thing or maybe you need to forgive her husband and give him one more chance (or a new opportunity to offend her with the baby).
Why do men beat women on March 8 and every day, in the face, they beat them badly with their feet and a belt when drunk, where to go and how to live on
Offending and beating defenseless women is the lot of weak and insecure men. And it doesn’t matter at all whether he did it once or systematically repeats this atrocity, hit him lightly in the face or beat him with his feet. If you allowed yourself to hit once, it means not to stop on the second and third.
If a woman succumbs to domestic violence, then she should not silently live with it and endure it. It needs to be talked about, and it needs to be spoken loudly.
At the moment when the husband begins to raise his hand, you need to run away from him, close in the bathroom, in another room, or run outside. You also need to shout loudly to attract the attention of strangers who can come to her defense.
As soon as possible, you should file a complaint with the police. And perhaps the most important step is seeking help from a psychologist. Only a qualified specialist is able to help you survive this without withdrawing into yourself and without developing an inferiority complex.
The guy raises his hand because of jealousy at his girlfriend intoxicated what to do
If a guy allowed himself in a fit of jealousy or under the influence of alcohol to raise his hand to his beloved, then there is no guarantee that this will not happen again. If a girl loves him and wants to keep the relationship, then you should not talk and calmly discuss the situation. Only a competent psychologist can help to understand this, who will try to find the reasons for such behavior and eliminate them.
In the case when the guy does not even want to hear about help or joint trips to the doctor, then the girl should run away from him. This behavior of his once again proves that he does not value relationships, that he does not love his companion, and that he is able to repeat everything at any moment.
The husband raises his hand, insults and says that she brought it on herself, considers herself right, never apologizes, pushes and trembles how to solve the problem
If a man can afford to beat a woman, but his pride does not allow him to apologize for it, then you should slightly reconsider your attitude to what is happening to the one at whom the aggression is directed.
They say that women's indifference hurts men's pride most of all. Perhaps if you stop showing your husband your attitude to what is happening, stop talking to him at all, let him know that he is not the center of your universe, maybe then he will think about losing you.
Something will change in the current situation only on the condition that a man really loves his life partner.
The husband raises his hand during conflicts and when we swear, but I endure how to teach a lesson
There are two ways to get revenge on a husband who beats his wife: violence for violence or legal revenge.
If a woman has defenders in the form of a strong father, brother, arc, then they can defend her in front of her tyrant husband and give him back, so much so that it would be more disrespectful to raise a hand against a defenseless woman. If the woman does not have such an opportunity, then the husband who allowed himself to raise his hand against the woman must be punished through legal actions.
To begin with, the wife should go to the emergency room, where they will remove the beatings and indicate in the certificate that, according to the victim, they were inflicted by such and such a person.
It will be very good if the victim has witnesses who can confirm that it was the husband who committed the violence, and not someone else, or that the injuries were received in some other way.
The last but most important step is going to court.
Question for psychologists
Good afternoon, help to understand a situation. When a husband quarrels, he can raise his hand, hit or choke. This situation occurs when there is no general solution to the issue, he begins to pretend that he does not hear or says that he is not going to talk, and if at the same time I try to continue the dialogue with him and do not do as he says. I continue to speak for the reason that I believe that everyone should have equal rights and if one person expressed his opinion, then the other also has the right to do so. This has been going on for more than a year and his excuses in assault that I force him because I raise my voice at him, look at him with a displeased look or do not stop talking when he asks .. but even excluding all of the above, he finds the reason why he raised his hands .. while he says that no one will understand me even if I tell someone about his actions, because I force him to do so. And even if I go to the police or tell my parents, I will make it worse for myself because I will achieve the fact that I will live alone and support the child alone. In general, how does he always add that he will try to sue everything from my property, including the child, and that he is not afraid of anyone whoever I tell .. It also happened that during a quarrel during pregnancy, he pushed and choked me .. I told his relatives .. they talked to him but nothing has changed .. I don’t want to file a divorce because of a child, I don’t really want to declare to the police either, but I don’t know how to deal with this humiliation .. tell me what is the best thing to do. Thank you in advance
Hello, Natalia!
Think about whether you want to be right or you want to be happy....?
If you are right, then you will be beaten and strangled.
Happy - then try to figure out why you live in SUCH.
Need help - get in touch.
G. Idrisov.
Good answer 7 bad answer 3Hello Natalia, you are married and your husband raises his hand to you. Your question:
I don’t know how to deal with this humiliation .. tell me how best to proceed
says a lot, for example, that you yourself allow your husband to humiliate you and raise a hand against you.
Your quarrels are most likely due to the fact that each of you is trying to defend his own and only his point of view. And you call this upholding (I continue to say because I believe that everyone should have equal rights and if one person has expressed his opinion, then the other also has the right to do so.)
You can speak your point of view in different ways - in a calm tone, without a desire to dominate, without a gloomy and displeased facial expression. and most importantly in the event that you ready to hear and listen.
If the right to speak one’s opinion goes against what has been said above and is spoken in a raised voice, in a desire to shout down another and continues even when your husband says that he is not ready to listen to you, then this is already a kind of struggle for power - which one of you is cooler.
I don’t know how many years you have been married, usually the first 1-2 years go to the stage confrontations and there is always a lot of controversy and disagreement. Next, the second stage of the relationship should come - Compromise when we keep having our own opinion (and that's ok), But... we are ready hear each other and are ready to find some kind of solution to the conflict that will suit both. Do you understand?
Of course, when a husband resolves his issues with you through brute force, this is wrong, But.... perhaps his attempts are such as telling you to shut up, that he is not ready to talk to you at that moment, these are his attempts to somehow calm you down, and you should really stop this conversation, until the moment when the passions subside a little and your husband can calm down a bit.
You, most likely, cannot calm down and continue to bend your own, which leads to such a sad ending as assault.
I recommend that you visit a psychologist, at least once or twice, to see your mistakes as if from the outside, and then perhaps you can already build your relationship a little differently and sometimes find solutions that satisfy both of you. It is worth doing this at least for the sake of your children, all the same you bear Responsibility In front of them. Best wishes.
Bekezhanova Botagoz Iskrakyzy, Astana psychologist
In this regard, it is important for you to understand: what keeps you in a relationship with him? Fear of being alone, his threats, or are there some positive things?
According to you, your spouse claims that you provoke him. But you pointed out that his aggression takes place even without your provocations.
Unfortunately, little depends on you ...
Try to understand your condition through a personal appeal.
All the best!
Sincerely,
Snegireva Inna Vladimirovna, psychologist Astana
Good answer 15 bad answer 1Domestic violence: what to do if a husband raises his hand to his wife?
Types of domestic brawlers
Psychology, which studies the problem of domestic tyranny, has divided such men into two types.
"Pitbull"
Even the most insignificant quarrel, he will certainly end with assault. When he first enters this role, he apologizes for every fight, but over time, scandals become a habit, single blows turn into a brutal beating of his wife.
He gets a taste, it is useless to explain to him what his ugly behavior is fraught with. Aggressiveness becomes second nature.
Experts explain it this way: a man begins to depend on his wife who is beaten by him. He is tormented by a sense of guilt, which he drowns out with more and more fights.
For this type of domestic sadist, there is no reason to fight. These are people with a disturbed psyche, they themselves cannot find a clear explanation for their outbursts of anger.
This type will not spare even a pregnant woman. The hardest thing is for the wife, who is not able to sense in advance when her husband is preparing to attack her.
It happened for the first time...
The woman is stunned by what happened: for the first time, her beloved raised his hand, he hit me, yesterday, beloved and only! After such a dramatic incident, one must first of all calm down. Give yourself and your husband time to analyze the situation.
Perhaps this is an accident that will never happen again. If the husband also regards what happened, he will immediately understand how terrible his behavior was. Be sure to apologize.
A woman should be wise. Recall what the relationship was like in the parental family of the husband. If fights flourished there, then he followed in the footsteps of his father. And that's why in the future, most likely, such wild scenes will be repeated.
In the event that in childhood he was spared the horrific scenes of beating his mother, then one can believe that his breakdown is an accident. A wife should forgive her husband, provided that the repetition of such an act will completely destroy relations in the family.
How to stop a domestic tyrant?
It must be honestly admitted: once hit, he rarely stops at this. Does a man beat his wife ruthlessly and regularly? So, we need to look for ways to stop it.
In Russia, there are no services designed to help women when they become victims of domestic violence. Is it only the police and the ambulance, and then you have to rely on them in the most difficult outcomes. Yes, even psychology, which can help with advice.
Therefore, even a pregnant wife should rely only on her own strength. What should be her line of conduct?
1. Yes, at first it will be heart-to-heart talk about the inadmissibility of the husband's behavior. If he understands everything correctly, it would be nice for the spouses to visit a specialist psychologist together, who will analyze why the marital relationship developed this way. It will help the husband get rid of the bad habit of taking out evil on his wife.
If a man does not accept this option, then the woman is unlikely to cope on her own. After all, the husband does not want to change his wild habits
2. In general, a woman from the first year of family life should know that she should never, in any situation, be subjected to assault.
3. A woman must first of all have dignity and respect for her own personality.
4. When the husband hit for the first time - tantrums will not help. Pack your things and leave the house. A man must understand that she rejects such a relationship, firmly stating: "This does not suit me."
5. What to do if a husband raises his hand to his wife regularly and no words help? There is only one way out - to leave him forever. Even if love for him has not died in your soul, you need to decide on this. Otherwise, both your life and the female psyche will be crippled by humiliation.
declare war on the tyrant
Recall the classics of the genre, the American drama-thriller film Enough is Enough. The heroine - a young woman performed by Jennifer Lopez - at first glance, has a very prosperous family. Wealthy husband, beloved daughter.
But gradually happiness collapses: the husband turned out to be not only unfaithful, but also aggressive. He regularly beats his young wife.
The heroine's patience runs out, she leaves the house with her daughter. And he decides: I won’t let you beat me anymore, I will take revenge on the monster. Trains the body, tempers willpower.
And in the end, she repaid her husband in the same coin: she made him feel why such a humiliation is experienced by a person who has become a victim of a domestic tyrant.
Indeed, the easiest way to complain to your friends: "My husband beat me." And where is the fortitude of character, fortitude, which will allow you to get rid of the beatings? After all, it depends only on you whether you will endure this situation or decide to change!
Hide from the brawler at home
It is unlikely that a weak woman will physically cope with an angry man. If you do not have the opportunity to leave the house - the only dwelling where common children grow up, it is worth starting a fight not only for your own rights, but also for the well-being of children.
You can’t change such people, they won’t spare even a pregnant wife, they will cripple both her and her unborn child. This means that everything depends on the woman, she must declare: “I will no longer allow me and the children to be beaten.”
Why shouldn't she start taking self-defense classes? In such a tense home environment, learned techniques may well come in handy. To learn not to respond to frank provocations of a husband, it is better to pick up the children at this time and leave home for a while. In any case, one must pretend that her husband's attacks do not touch her.
It is good if the house has a room with reliable doors that are locked from the inside. It will be a refuge during scandals. It is desirable that a woman always has a mobile phone with her. Try to find another place to live and get a job. Living under the same roof with an aggressive husband is dangerous for you and your children!
If renting an apartment or room is too expensive at first, ask friends or relatives to help you with housing for the time that you are looking for work.
How should a woman behave if you are in the same house?
Some advice from psychology. What to do if a husband beats his wife ruthlessly and regularly?
1. At the very beginning of a quarrel, noticing that the situation is "heating up", you should not go into the kitchen, bathroom and other rooms where there are corners and sharp objects.
2. In advance, you need to find a temporary shelter where you can hide from the fighter. Perhaps a local crisis center will offer to help.
3. Don't hide. Call the police on the phone, shout that my husband can kill me. The duty of law enforcement is to protect the weak and make the tyrant think why it is not worth offending his wife and children.
4. If the beatings left bruises, abrasions on the body and face, contact an ambulance. They will not only help the woman, but also take care of the nervous system of the bully.
5. If you have to leave home for a long time or forever, a woman should have the necessary things ready, money, documents, valuable jewelry.
6. Domestic scandals and beatings do not pass without a trace for the psyche of a woman. Therefore, it is absolutely necessary to resort to the help of psychology, which gradually eliminates the consequences of moral trauma.
Ecology of knowledge. Psychology: 63 minutes - exactly how much time passes in Russia from the appearance of one victim of domestic violence to another. About 14,000 women die each year at the hands of their own husbands. It is impossible to count how many more potential victims are subjected to violence, not everyone seeks help.
Irina Arskaya, a volunteer helping victims of domestic violence in Ufa, immediately warned that there were no repentants at all, or very few of them. “In my two years of practice, I can’t remember a case where the abuser would have corrected himself, and where it would be worthwhile to correct the abuser,” Irina admitted.
“A favorable outcome is possible if the woman herself is versed in psychological violence (not how to apply, but how to notice and stop) and correct her man. But, if there was physical violence, alas, the man can no longer be corrected. Therefore, help to a woman should be twofold: to teach her to notice psychological abuse and help to get away from men who allow themselves to beat their wives.
Better no family than such a bad one.
The likelihood of a good outcome depends on the degree of neglect. The abuser, spoiled by power over the victim, will no longer refuse it, and the abuser, who has just begun to use manipulation, can still become a worthy husband and father if he wants to change.
Unfortunately, women do not sound the alarm when they notice that they are being manipulated, even when they are beaten, so in my practice I have met only those whom we helped to get away from a man as painlessly as possible.
Now there is not enough psychological education for women so that they can notice and stop the beginning of abuse against them and even out the situation. Therefore, the only way out is to convey to women where abuse begins and how it ends, if not stopped. When women are more educated, then cases will begin to appear where the abuser can be stopped, but not now.”
"I don't beat my wife anymore"
However, I did receive one letter from a man who expressed regret about a case of violence in his family. He preferred to remain anonymous. He was ashamed.
“I didn’t allow myself to do this before, but after the eldest was born, I broke loose. He hit his wife in the car. They took my son to the hospital, word for word, she was on her nerves, I freaked out. He did not hit with all his might, but he did not calculate, there was a bruise. Of course, he later apologized. He asked for forgiveness, but I don’t know how to proceed. I don't hit my wife anymore, but something broke in the relationship."
"My children remember this nightmare"
Not only the man who hit his wife asked not to disclose the name. A woman who has experienced domestic violence more than once also wished to remain anonymous. For a different reason. For two years already, Tatyana (Editor's Note - name changed in the interests of security) has been hiding in the Kitezh shelter at the courtyard of the Novospassky Monastery. Tatyana is a mother of many children. One of her children is still in the hospital.
I arrived at the shelter on the day of the New Year tree for children. There is a playground in front of the shelter building. There are strollers, bicycles, scooters in the yard. If you do not know who lives in this house, you might think that in front of me is a private kindergarten. But even the "tree" here is unusual. Santa Claus for some reason in a Cossack costume. It has a real hat on it. Snow Maiden - with a little helper, an elf.
“Presents are waiting for us at home, give the boy his gift,” the Snow Maiden convinces her elf son. Obviously volunteers. Children here have seen scary scenes and are a little afraid of unfamiliar adults. The younger ones hide behind their mothers. The older ones are a little wary.
I ask Tatyana why she was helped only here. Why didn't the police help?
“The police, of course, came, and the husband was taken away, but after four hours the men are released, and where do they return? I wrote a statement, filmed the beatings, but it did not help. When I called the police, they told me “this is your intra-family showdown. When he kills you, write a statement.” My ex-husband is not even deprived of parental rights. Social Security says “he also has the right to raise children,” but he beat everyone. Periodically, he searches for us, writes applications for searches.
We escaped after my husband locked us in the basement for three days. My youngest daughter was then three months old, my phone was dead. Saved my friends. Worried. Friends arrived with their husbands. My husband was scared of a lot of people. We took the most necessary things and came from home to apartment, but my husband had already brought his “support group” of friends there.
He broke our doors, broke the furniture. At night we packed up and fled to Moscow.
At first I quickly found a job, but because of the crisis I lost it. There was nothing to pay for the apartment. I have my own house, but living there is simply dangerous, and there is no furniture there now. The ex-husband took everything, right down to the push!
My older children are from my first marriage. In the case of the younger ones, it’s scary to apply for alimony, I simply don’t get it for the older ones. I wrote complaints to the reception of Pavel Astakhov (Commissioner for Children's Rights under the President of the Russian Federation - ed. note). He came, and then everyone tried to solve our problems, but as soon as he left, everything became as before. Going somewhere for help is useless.
Of course, there are times when women do not take care of the children, the father sits with them. I myself know such a family. But after all, guardianship should understand, should see who and why came. The inspector must be trained. In the case when we were denied alimony, the businessman husband simply paid a bribe. There were false statements at the trial. Now he began to help periodically. I can’t turn to lawyers, they ask for a lot of money. It’s easier for me to give up and provide for the children myself. Yes, and at work they say “either sue or work.”
Here they help us with clothes and food. And only here they do not separate from children. In other centers, I was offered to send my children to an orphanage. They didn’t even deny “for people like your youngest, we have a great demand from foster parents.” Of course, this is unacceptable for a mother! Some centers accept only infants, up to three months, but where to go next? In other places, they require a Moscow or Moscow region residence permit.
Many entrepreneurs do not help such centers because they do not know that if they provide sponsorship, they can receive tax benefits. I am not one of those who live only on alms and requests for “give me money”, I work and cope on my own, but sometimes help is needed. Guardianship at the place of residence also offers me to give up the children, there is no other help.
Domestic violence always happens one on one. There are no witnesses.
In my experience, such people are always very kind to others, trying to serve, to help. Everything starts gradually. How much time is spent realizing how the one you loved could turn into a monster? Maybe this is a coincidence? Horrible dream? But the accident repeats itself. I didn’t even have a sense of self-preservation - fear for the children. When children began to participate in conflicts, it became scary.
The younger children still have not come to their senses, I thought they do not remember anything, but now I see that they remember everything. They might not understand what was going on, but they could feel the atmosphere. My children remember this nightmare."
“We must fight to the last for the integrity of the family”
Archpriest Alexander Ilyashenko with a divorce in case there are conflicts in the family, urges not to rush:
“Domestic violence is always a tragedy. It is unacceptable when a man allows himself to hit a woman, this indicates his moral degradation. A noble person would never allow himself such a thing. Only a plebeian in spirit can commit violence.
When choosing a husband, a woman should carefully consider who will be her life partner. The first gross mistake that girls make is the desire to marry as soon as possible, for anyone. Experienced confessors recommend continuing acquaintance for about a year. Not a few weeks, or months, but about that much time is needed to feel each other well. The relationship, of course, must be pure. Few people know that the word "bride" comes from the concept of "not to know." It is also important to receive the blessing of the parents. Often these simple requirements are violated, people enter family life with a load of significant sins and mistakes.
If a woman has already received a negative habit of improper behavior, it will be difficult for her to feel the state of a loved one. Then the wife may begin to behave provocatively.
Man's powers are limited if he relies on himself. And by turning to the Lord, we can gain strength that is not limited. Therefore, it is possible and necessary to fight for the integrity of the family to the last! You can't give up the fight at the very beginning. The struggle must be constructive, it is not necessary to turn into a target, but it is necessary to look for constructive solutions in order to get out of the tragic situation.
The first task of a priest when a person comes to church is to listen to him. Understanding does not mean agreeing and accepting everything. A victim of domestic violence needs sympathy, but sympathy alone will not get you far! The Orthodox approach, at first glance, seems paradoxical. Although you are a victim, although you are unjustly offended, although you deserve sympathy, you must see your own sins and mistakes. After all, we are all sinners before the face of God, and, therefore, we must repent before Him.
How to act wisely?
It happens that a husband dissolves his hands, because he has failures in life. Ask yourself "did I listen to him?". Did he feel understood? We do not know how to listen to each other, this is a fact. In a family, it is very important to let a person talk. Why do people talk so long in Church? Nobody really listens to them. This is a real disaster. Sometimes people get very lonely in the family.
Imagine a situation: a young wife is sitting at home with a child, waiting for her husband. He lingers once again. Finally, he comes home late, and hears: “Well, what? I suppose you drank beer with your friends again? And this time, the husband hurried home to his family, but the boss detained him. Of course, out of resentment, he will answer: “So I’ll go to my friends now!”, slam the door and leave. The wife will be left alone to swallow her tears and ask why no one loves and understands her. But he was eager to go home, and the boss solved production problems with him.
If the wife asked: “Honey, why are you late? I've been waiting for you so much," he would have looked at her with love in his shining eyes, and they would have thrown themselves on each other's necks. And so he will go to his friends, and they, very likely, will sympathize with him so much that he, having gathered himself well, will return home and begin to “educate” his wife.
Of course, everyone will say “poor unfortunate woman”, the husband does not dare to dissolve his hands, but if you look deeper, it turns out that the wife’s fault is also there. The victim very often provokes aggression towards himself.
There are many situations over which in the family it is necessary to think intensely prayerfully and ask, “Lord, be wise!”.
In the book "Father Arseny" there is a story "A kind word, or a story about a good stepmother." His heroine talks about her wonderful stepmother. The girl's father got drunk twice a year and came home in the company of drunken friends. So the stepdaughter was waiting to see how her stepmother would react when this happened. When such a moment came, the stepmother turned her husband's drunken friends around and kicked her out the door, and beat her husband with the first thing that came to hand. Since then, this has never happened again. The Christian life is creativity.
There is no universal advice, situations and families are different, but you need to look for your minor involuntary sins and try to save the family.
The tragedy in Nizhny Novgorod could have been prevented by the law on domestic violence
The Violence Prevention Center has been dealing with violence issues for 23 years. This is the oldest center for helping beaten women.
According to the deputy director of the center, there have been more requests lately, but he sees nothing wrong with this. They call more often - not because they beat them more often.
“Now there are certain shifts in the minds of women themselves. There are enough media stories about domestic violence. The problem itself has become more visible. Largely thanks to women who are not silent. There have been more and more calls to the helpline in recent years. I don't think this is a sign of a worsening situation. On the contrary: women have become better aware of their rights and understand that violence is not normal.
However, until the law on domestic violence is passed, victims of domestic violence are not legally protected in any way. If they go outside the apartment and the neighbors turn to the police, the violence can still be qualified as “Hooliganism”, but if the actions take place at home, the police simply cannot do anything except take the aggressor for a preventive conversation. Therefore, Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov, from a legal point of view, is wrong in arguing that violence cannot be divided into family and non-family.
If you are hit by a stranger on the street, you will see him in the worst case in court. The spouse, even the former, will know where the woman lives and continue to pursue her. I know cases when, already in a new marriage, a man continued to lie in wait for his ex-wife. In addition, now the victim can simply withdraw the application. Once, a woman wanted to pick up a statement, whose toes were cut off by a man in front of the children. In the hospital, she changed her mind, but now she has to rent a room with her two children. While the husband lives in their apartment.
The monstrous story in Nizhny Novgorod, where a father killed his wife and six children, could not have happened if the concept of “family violence” existed in the legislation. Then, at the first appeal, a man could be forced to attend a psychological group and his problems would be revealed.
If the state itself could bring charges against the person who committed the act of violence, the fact of pressure on the victim would be excluded. Nothing would depend on her.
One of the hallmarks of a violent person is the isolation strategy. “Don’t talk to this friend”, “why do you talk to your mom on the phone so often?”. So the aggressor deprives the victim of a “support group”. Bans on external communication are very dangerous. In violence, no matter what the injured party does, there is always a reason.
Sometimes the term "family violence" is overused. It is important to understand here that there is violence where there is power and fear. If a couple bruises each other in the evening, puts up in the morning, and no one is afraid of anyone - this is their way of life.
Conflict is not violence
The coordinator of the All-Russian Helpline for Women Victims of Domestic Violence also looks forward to the legislative term “domestic violence”, while calling for the separation of the terms “violence” and “conflict”:
“Family violence and family conflicts are two different things. Quarrels can happen in any family. In the event of quarrels, the husband and wife resolve some issues on an equal footing, not always in a calm way, but people have a subject of dispute, by solving which, one can resolve the conflict. In addition, there is usually no attempt to demonstrate a power attitude in a conflict. Violence is primarily an attempt to establish control. Humiliation, insults, beatings are just a tool for this purpose.
Violence has phases and a cycle when tension builds up in the family, then there is a detente and then comes the so-called "honeymoon". Gradually, the "honeymoon" is reduced, and the periods of discharge become longer and longer. Often it is then that a woman realizes that she needs to seek help. There are not so many appeals after the initial case of violence - from 10 to 12%.
A person who hit once is not always an offender who will systematically beat, but this is an occasion to think, consult and take action.
Sometimes it can take five years from the first slap to the beating. Or the beating won't happen at all.
The work of a psychologist in conflict and violence should be completely different. The main rule is that a third person should not be a witness to the conversation, especially the aggressor himself. It can be dangerous for a woman. Also, a woman should not be advised to change her behavior strategy, since it is not known how her offender will react to this.
Now women are more informed about their rights, that violence is not normal. But until a law on domestic violence is passed, there will be no groups where domestic tyrants will be taught to control aggression. The media plays an important role in shaping public opinion.
Men also call the “helpline”, but there are only a few calls “I hit my wife”. Not to mention the fact that even then a man, realizing that beating his wife is bad, is looking for reasons in her behavior. Sometimes third parties call and talk about family friends. They treat the man well and suddenly it turns out that he beats his wife. In these situations, people often don't know what to do."
I left the shelter "Kitezh" in the evening. I walked around the courtyard of the Novospassky Monastery. It was so quiet and calm there… An employee of the center told me that the pregnant Yulia, about whom her husband put out cigarettes, even had a belly growing there. Finally became visible in the seventh month. Her mother came to visit. She was delighted, “Now it’s clear that you are expecting a baby.”
Julia is not at home here. For “domestic violence”, her husband cannot yet be punished to the fullest extent of the law, because there is no such law. But on the other hand, if you do not leave the monastery, she is safe. published
I met a guy for 6 years, and now we finally signed. Now we are husband and wife. But after the wedding, my husband was changed, the worst thing is that he began to raise his hand to me. I can't understand anything.
Irina, 27 years old.
Unfortunately, more and more often we meet with such a problem, they write about it in newspapers, talk on TV, and often hear from someone in our environment. What are its reasons? Why does a once gentle, caring man begin to resolve controversial situations with the help of physical assault? Why is domestic violence becoming more and more common?
Let's try to figure it out today. To begin with, we decided to find out the opinion on this matter from different representatives of the fair sex. So:
Elina (psychologist): A man thus asserts himself. There are 2 options here: a successful person at work is trying to confirm his authority at home, or a person who has failed in professional life is trying to gain respect at home. There is no question of love. A man can "Love and beat" as well as "hate and beat." Most often, the root must be sought not in their relationship, but in his personality. Relationships themselves can only contribute to the manifestation of aggression, but in this case the man must have this grain of "inferiority", "aggressiveness". In my opinion, a man without a rod beats.
Katya (designer): Elementary lack of education in childhood!!! Firstly!
Olesya (housewife): What are the reasons? Yes, there can be many things. Perhaps this is perceived by him as the norm, that is, he does not see anything terrible in it. Perhaps he simply cannot find other arguments to somehow influence his wife. In general, assault in the family suggests that this is a psychologically weak person.
Julia (seller): Just like that, no one will raise their hand. The most common case: he comes home drunk, and the wife climbs with her morals, for which she receives cuffs from her betrothed.
And what does the strong half of humanity think about this?
Azat (programmer): Maybe the man in this way wants to show who is in charge here ... Or he simply could not restrain himself. Or it cannot be otherwise, believing that this is the only way to correct the situation.
Rustam (engineer): Because sick) ...
Oleg (driver): I think that a husband can raise his hand to his wife only in a few cases - when she cheats or when she is very offended .... This is my opinion))) But there are those who, apparently, get a buzz from this: he's the boss, he's strong...
Agree, interesting opinions. And now I will express my opinion. Speaking about the causes of domestic violence, I think we should not discount the fact that, in general, modern Russian society is becoming more and more aggressive. The struggle for survival, the pursuit of illusory material wealth, uncertainty about the future, lack of spiritual support - make us cold pragmatists and pessimists. Add to this bouquet also the stress that the average Russian experiences almost daily, when his duties for the well-being of the family are not supported by real opportunities in the service, when the demands of the wife and the demands of the children do not fit into the family budget. That's when a man either breaks down, or ... alas! - bent from a heart attack or something else. Why do men die young?
No Of course, we are not trying to justify a husband resolving family disputes or getting a discharge with a fist or a heavy object thrown at the mother of his children. But putting all the blame on him for what happened would probably be unfair. A wise wife is a diplomat, a psychologist, a kitty, and a panther. And she is also a wife, to be a support for her husband, and sometimes even a "vest" in which he could cry.
Yes, yes, our strong men also sometimes want to do it ...
Well, what if assault- the norm for your loved one, an incurable diagnosis, and sadly, you simply made a mistake in your life choice, you should probably think about more radical solutions to this problem. Do I need to continue to connect life with this person. Love yourself and respect! We deserve the best!