Padding around the form

To a greater or lesser extent, jealousy is inherent in all people without exception. If someone managed to live side by side with a loved one for more than one year and at the same time never experience jealousy, then the loved one simply did not give a reason for this. But jealousy is different, and its manifestations directly depend on the individual psychological qualities of a person. Some are jealous only when they receive irrefutable evidence of a partner’s betrayal, while others, in order to start to be jealous, the most insignificant reason is enough. Some hide their jealousy in themselves, pretending that everything is fine, while others do not hesitate to make their partner public scandals with screaming, abuse and tantrums.
Never and under no circumstances is it quite difficult to learn not to be jealous of a loved one, since jealousy manifests itself at the level of instincts, and it is based on a sense of possessiveness, which is not inherent only in saints. So jealousy itself, if it manifests itself within reason, is not a pathology and even to some extent helps to strengthen personal relationships. If a person is jealous of a partner, it means he is afraid of losing him. The complete absence of jealousy may indicate indifference and indifference.

But, at the same time, jealousy is not always a sign of love. Jealous people are often driven by inflated pride or a painful fear of being alone. In addition, jealousy sometimes takes unhealthy forms, causing great suffering both to the object of jealousy and to the jealous person himself. Such jealousy is dangerous primarily because it can destroy any, even the strongest relationship. This can happen when one of the partners begins to perceive the other not as a person, but as his property. Then any discrepancies between the will and desires of the partner with their own begin to be perceived almost as a betrayal and lead to serious conflicts. And although some say: “Jealous means he loves,” in fact, an integral manifestation of true love is not jealousy, but the ability to trust a partner and respect his personality. Whereas jealous people not only do not respect their partners, but also constantly humiliate and offend them with unreasonable suspicion and distrust.
So fighting jealousy is not only possible, but necessary. Especially when it arises practically from scratch and is not the result of a real betrayal of a loved one.

Studying the psychological side of jealousy, psychologists came to the conclusion that pathological jealous people usually have such traits as somewhat low self-esteem and a strong psychological dependence on relationships with a partner. Such people are rarely characterized by self-sufficiency, confidence in their attractiveness and developed self-esteem. In addition, most jealous people are distinguished by morbid suspicion and suspiciousness, and their trust cannot be earned by any good attitude. Jealous people are rarely capable of true love, in which there is selflessness and altruism. They consider only their feelings and emotions and are afraid of their partner's betrayal, mainly because they do not want to lose their usual and established way of life, facing the problem of loneliness and the need to arrange their personal lives anew.
People who are pathologically afraid of loneliness are usually emotionally dependent on their partners. It always seems to them that the person they love has fallen out of love and is going to leave for another. They constantly demand proof of love from partners, throw tantrums, scandals, blackmail them to commit suicide if the partner leaves them. All this is explained by the low self-esteem of such people and their disbelief that in the event of parting with a partner, they can easily find a replacement for him.

Inflated pride and fear of losing the respect of others often make a person jealous of his partner, even in the absence of any feelings for him. Jealous people of this kind believe that a partner’s betrayal undermines their reputation, being perceived by other people as evidence of their sexual failure or unattractiveness. Such jealousy has absolutely nothing to do with love.
Often, jealous people are people who themselves have a "stigma in the cannon." They are accustomed to constantly cheating and are sure that their loved one is also only engaged in the search for sex on the side. Such people project their own qualities onto others and do not believe that loyalty and devotion can exist in the world.
The reason for jealousy can also be a significant difference in the upbringing of partners and in their understanding of the norms of behavior when communicating with the opposite sex. For example, if a girl has many guy friends, and her boyfriend is sure that friendship without sex between a man and a woman is a myth, then such a couple may have many reasons for conflict.
Male and female jealousy are equally common, but they usually manifest themselves in different ways.

Male jealousy.

Men show their jealousy in different ways, depending on the level of culture, temperament and ability to control themselves. Some men, with an overdeveloped sense of ownership, tend to want to completely control their wives, demanding from them a detailed account of every minute spent away from home. Thus, these jealous people hope to nullify the very possibility of adultery on the part of a woman. As soon as their wife stays for at least 20 minutes, dress brightly and sexy, or go unaccompanied by her husband to her beloved friend’s birthday, a huge scandal immediately breaks out with accusations of all mortal sins, insults, and even with the use of physical violence. .

It must be understood that such behavior of a man is not at all evidence of the strength and strength of his character, but on the contrary, it indicates the obvious presence of complexes and serious psychological problems. For a truly strong and self-confident man, it would never even occur to him to suspect his woman of infidelity without sufficient reason. And the admiration of the surrounding men for the appearance of his wife will only flatter a strong man, since he is absolutely sure that she belongs only to him alone. Of course, strong men who do not suffer from various complexes can also be jealous, but they are jealous only when there are serious and good reasons for this.

There are men who are so immersed in their work or any hobbies that they pay almost no attention to their wives, do not go anywhere with them, rarely have sex. Accidentally discovering infidelity, these men can behave surprisingly violently and become furious, while expressing complete bewilderment about the act of his wife.
But the most unlucky women are those whose husbands are capable of extreme manifestations of pathological jealousy bordering on psychosis (the so-called “nonsense of jealousy”). The jealousy of such men usually has absolutely no real grounds and is caused not by any actions of a woman, but by a painful state of her own psyche: an inability to adequately perceive reality and control her behavior. The wives of such men are downtrodden and exhausted creatures who do not know what to expect from their own spouse in the next minute. But it would be a mistake to think that the jealous themselves do not suffer from their condition. How they suffer! The more the imagination of a jealous man is played out, the more torment he experiences, and the worse it becomes for him both psychologically and in terms of physical well-being. Constant nervous tension and negative emotions predispose to the appearance of many different diseases, having an extremely destructive effect on health.

The painful state of jealousy tends to gradually worsen and progress. The man becomes more and more withdrawn and sullen, and outbursts of aggression become frequent and uncontrollable. During such an attack, a man can even hit a woman, for which he sincerely repents. The delirium of jealousy is dangerous, first of all, because it can cause a state of passion in a man, during which he can completely lose control over his actions and inflict severe physical injuries on a woman. Warning signs that indicate the aggravation of the condition of a jealous man are threats of physical reprisal against a woman, prohibitions on her leaving the house without a man and talking on the phone with relatives and friends. It begins to seem to the man that he is about to, and he will finally find his rival. Some men may even lie in wait for their wife after work, watching her from a distance, watching with whom she stops and talks on the way home.
The pathological jealous man is firmly convinced that everyone around him is aware of his wife's betrayals, mock him, call him a "cuckold" and despise him. Due to the constant stressful state, a jealous person can experience a severe nervous breakdown, as a result of which it will not be possible to do without hospitalization and the intervention of specialists.

As you can see, jealousy is a very destructive feeling, which, in order to avoid unpleasant consequences, it is advisable to try not to let it into your soul.

Female jealousy.

Pathologically jealous women are found at least as often as jealous men. Some wives turn into real detectives, daily examining their husbands shirts for traces of lipstick and the smell of unfamiliar perfumes, checking every SMS that came to her husband’s mobile phone, and constantly rummaging through his pockets in search of various “material evidence”. A jealous wife with constant scandals and tantrums can turn the life of any, even the most faithful and devoted man, into hell.

If men are jealous of their own painful pride, then most women are jealous because of a highly developed fear of loneliness. Unfortunately, such women do not understand that by their behavior they only push a man to betray and search for a relationship with a more calm and balanced partner. It has been noted that even when the fact of infidelity is discovered, the main anger of a woman falls, paradoxically, not on the cheater's husband, but on her rival. Women, unlike men, rarely go for an instant break in relations with a cheating spouse, but on the contrary, they fight for him to the last.
The reasons that can provoke an attack of jealousy in a person can be very different. Very often, people become jealous when they feel that something new, unusual has appeared in their partner's behavior. For example, if a woman suddenly begins to carefully monitor her appearance, visit gyms, beauty salons, hairdressers and buy new clothes almost every day, a man may suspect that his other half has a lover. Although, in fact, a woman is simply trying to fight the inevitable age-related changes, as she is very afraid of becoming old and unattractive.
In such cases, it is better to openly tell your loved one about your concerns and ask for clarification of the situation than to silently torment yourself with jealousy. After all, what seems like a clear sign of betrayal to a jealous person can actually have a very simple and completely innocent explanation.

A fairly frequent and more significant reason for jealousy is the so-called "obvious signs": other people's female hair on clothes, love SMS, the frequent absence of a man at home under various pretexts, his constant unwillingness to have sex, etc.
In such situations, family psychologists advise not to rush to conclusions, but to pull yourself together and think about the situation calmly. Firstly, any of the above signs of infidelity can actually have a completely different explanation, for example, a man could be at a banquet where he danced with an employee, hence the hair on his jacket, and a love SMS on the phone could be a prank on friends and so on. And secondly, you need to honestly answer yourself the question: even if there was a fact of betrayal, is it a reason for parting or can it be better to try to forgive?
In any case, before deciding to break up due to the betrayal of a partner, you need to think about its cause. Many people commit adultery only when something is missing in their relationship with their regular partner. For example, romance, sex, heartfelt conversations, mutual understanding, respect, warmth... It's worth thinking about! If there is a desire to keep a partner and return his love, you need to have a frank and constructive conversation with him, but in no case make a scandal and blame him for all mortal sins. You need to directly ask your loved one what he lacks and what does not suit him, forcing him to look for relationships on the side. At the same time, it must be remembered that most people of both sexes value their family very much, they go to great lengths to preserve it and will not exchange a permanent partner for a casual one without good reasons.

But if it turns out that a loved one has long been looking for a reason to put all the dots over the "i" and leave the family, there is no need to keep him by force, with the help of threats, tears or tantrums - this is pointless. No matter how painful it is, you need to be able to pull yourself together and maintain dignity, then there may still be some chance that the loved one will come to their senses, understand who they have lost, and decide to go back.
The most unpleasant reason for jealousy is the so-called "catchment at the scene of a crime." Moreover, there is no time for reflection and you need to act quickly. How should a woman behave when she finds her man in the arms of a rival? First of all, you need to be able to refrain from scandals, assault, as well as from tears, threats and tantrums. No matter how the further situation develops, it is desirable that in the future a person should not be ashamed to recall his behavior. In order not to break loose, it is probably best to leave home for a period of time, thereby giving time to think about further steps for both yourself and your partner.
It happens that the mistress herself calls her wife, frankly talking about her relationship with her husband, hoping in this way to speed up the moment of his departure from the family. It is important for the wife to understand here that this call is not at all a fact that the husband has serious intentions towards his mistress. In no case should you humiliate yourself to swearing with your mistress. It is much better to show your advantage in this situation by saying: “Honey, my husband has always been partial to pretty women, but he always came back to me. Since he loves me very much and otherwise behaves perfectly, I forgive him this weakness of his.” It is advisable not to tell your husband about the call, but rather cook a tastier dinner and a more interesting movie. Or call mutual friends for dinner, in general, let your loved one spend this evening with you. It is important that the husband understands that a kind, loving and calm wife is waiting for him at home.

If a woman herself is in the position of a mistress and cannot cope with jealousy for her wife, she can be advised to think carefully - is the relationship with a married man worth the constant mental suffering that they cause. Relations with married people are most often not cold bitches, as is commonly thought, but rather naive women who do not immediately realize what they are getting into, and how it all can end for themselves.
Jealousy, even if it is caused by objective reasons, is always a destructive feeling that destroys a person from the inside and gradually undermines his self-esteem and self-respect. Naturally, no one wants to "wear horns", but still it is necessary to understand that a partner is an independent person who has the right to choose. It is impossible to forcibly keep a loved one near you. And is it worth it? Nobody argues - losing a relationship with a loved one is very painful. But it is even more terrible to lose yourself and your human dignity, succumbing to a feeling of jealousy that corrodes the soul.

How to get rid of jealousy.

Is it possible to get rid of jealousy forever? Ultimately, apparently not. But you can learn to keep it under control and not let this insidious feeling prevail over your own mind.

So what to do? First of all, you need to calmly find out from your partner what exactly makes him think about a possible betrayal. It is also necessary to try not to give your beloved reasons for jealousy by flirting with pretty members of the opposite sex or lavishing boasts on people who have any obvious advantages over their loved one. A woman should often tell her husband about her love so that he feels more confident, you should not forget to praise more often, focusing on his merits and trying not to notice his shortcomings. If a man feels loved and desired, he is unlikely to have the thought of his wife's desire to go to the side.
If a man becomes jealous, a woman may try to reduce everything to a joke. If it suddenly seems to a man that his wife is flirting with surrounding men and making eyes at them, she can explain to him that she lacks his warmth and attention, and she specifically wanted to draw his attention to herself, and that she loves him alone.
You can play on "pity for the opponent." If it becomes unpleasant for a man that some man pays attention to his wife, in connection with which a feeling of jealousy begins to stir in him, then you can put out the burning fire of jealousy if you assure the husband that that man has a lot of problems and in general he is unhappy and untenable and you only felt sorry for him. Not everyone is as smart, strong and beautiful as a beloved husband.
In order to neutralize the significance of jealousy, psychologists advise both spouses to resort to the following technique: make conversations about mutual betrayal a daily and mandatory ritual, which must be spent at least 30 minutes at the same time. Over time, under the influence of everyday mandatory conversations of this kind, the emotional intensity of passions gradually dulls, and jealousy itself begins to seem ridiculous and absurd.

If the situation gets out of control, and the jealousy of one of the partners takes on unhealthy forms, in order to correct the situation as soon as possible, the partners need to seek the help of a family psychologist who can advise on how to get rid of jealousy using various psychological techniques. In addition, during the consultation, it may turn out that behind the mask of jealousy lies just a banal inferiority complex, or the fear of losing a loved one, or some other psychological problem, getting rid of which, a person can be cured of jealousy. Padding around the form

What is jealousy? Psychology answers this question in this way: jealousy is a brightly colored emotional experience that is most directly related to a sense of possessiveness. In most cases, jealousy is provoked by excessive selfishness and a desire to control another person. Scientists believe that not all people are predisposed to betrayal, but the subjects who themselves are cheating on their soul mates are most prone to jealousy.

Who loves is sure to be jealous?

Blessed Augustine owns the statement that a person who is not jealous of his partner does not love him. However, in reality, these two feelings are rather diametrically opposed than identical in meaning. Jealousy comes from a subconscious fear of losing the chosen one and creates many obstacles that prevent the creation of a normal family with an atmosphere of love and mutual trust in each other. What deplorable consequences a hypertrophied sense of ownership can lead to can be found in William Shakespeare's classic Othello and Desdemona.

What to do if there is jealousy in a relationship? Psychology says that life with a jealous person usually turns into real torture when a possessive spouse makes desperate attempts to control literally every step of his partner. If at the dawn of a relationship, when partners are just getting to know each other, jealousy in certain quantities is acceptable, then in an established couple, distrust can easily

Jealousy in psychology

Jealousy is a strong emotion in psychology, inherent in many people who adhere to traditional family values. Some of them believe that a pronounced sense of possessiveness is a direct proof of love, others consider it extremely negative and destroys the strongest unions. The closest to the truth will be the assertion that jealousy itself does not have a positive or negative vector. The most reasonable approach would be not to turn a blind eye to the obvious evidence of adultery and at the same time not to harass the partner with constant claims and baseless accusations.

Jealousy is a feeling that can surge spontaneously against the will of the person himself or arise for one of the many reasons that will be discussed in detail below. If you look a little deeper, then a heightened sense of ownership appears as a result of the desire of the subject to control a number of life processes that do not depend on his will. Strong emotional experiences can infuriate a partner and lead to the most unpredictable consequences. Therefore, a couple experiencing problems with trust should definitely make an appointment with a competent psychologist, for example, a psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin.

Jealousy is inherent even in children and pets, so possessiveness is not a pathology. It's all about the scale of experiences, and in the case when they poison the existence of others, it is necessary to take measures to get rid of them as soon as possible. Where do adults get the prerequisites for jealousy? Psychologists say that often strong destructive emotions appear in people who have not received attention, love and parental care in childhood.

Interesting fact! According to statistics, couples living in an official marriage are more prone to manifestations of jealousy. The reason for this phenomenon is in the sense of possessiveness, which intensifies immediately after the wedding. One or both partners may sincerely believe that after the painting in the registry office they have every right to increased control and remaking the spouse for themselves.

Why people are jealous of each other: the psychology of relationships

Why is a man jealous of a woman? Psychology answers the question as follows: in modern society, the main factor provoking the emergence of an unhealthy emotional experience, known as jealousy, is combined with low self-esteem. In addition, there are a number of reasons that can awaken an obsessive fear of losing a partner:

1. The lack of trust in the people around you entails permanent stress associated with the constant expectation of some trick or a stab in the back from the outside.
2. Lack of principles and discrepancy between spoken words and real deeds. A person who is unable to take responsibility for his own actions gets used to shifting the blame for any consequences to others, while at the same time making himself dependent on them.
3. Inability to compromise and take into account the desires, feelings and needs of a partner.
4. The inability to throw out the accumulated negative emotions on the boss, colleagues or relatives. Therefore, irritability, aggression and unfounded suspicions are directed to the second half.
5. Self-defense. There is a well-known statement according to which the best defense is an attack. Thus, jealous people roll up scandals and noisy proceedings in order to divert suspicion from themselves.

Why is a person jealous? people who themselves have an increased propensity for adultery tend to monopolize the partner's personal life and take it under their full control. One of the spouses, prone to fits of jealousy, on a subconscious level, is aware of his desire for campaigns to the left. In this regard, it naturally arises in him the judgment that any person, as soon as he is given the opportunity to change, will gladly take advantage of it. In this case, jealousy is a broadcast of one's own insecurity on the people around.

The feeling of possessiveness from which jealousy stems is inherent to one degree or another in almost any member of modern society, brought up by a culture of consumption. In some cases, suspicions may not be unfounded and based on real facts or evidence. In addition, the complete absence of fear of losing a partner often indicates an indifferent attitude towards him. In others, the situation becomes pathological, and one of the spouses literally harasses the other, making unreasonable claims against him and showing excessive suspicion.

What are the causes of jealousy in men? Psychology argues that one of the main factors in the emergence of a sense of ownership in males is the presence of a psychological trauma that originates in adolescence or childhood. A subject who has experienced a strong emotional upheaval at an early age is often overly focused on an unresolved problem, which makes all his further relationships with the opposite sex very problematic.

There are cases when the cause of male jealousy is various provocations on the part of a woman. Among ladies, a popular method to rivet the attention of a spouse exclusively to oneself is veiled flirting with other males. Initially, a woman treats such antics as innocent entertainment, but they often cause attacks of jealousy on the part of her husband and family breakdown. If a woman believes that light flirting is not a reason to exacerbate possessive instinct, then a man can interpret it in a completely different way.

Jealousy creates an atmosphere of emotional discomfort in the family, which in the shortest possible time can destroy almost any cell of society. Often a person develops a sense of possessiveness due to the fact that he is too reverent about the advice of friends, relatives and colleagues. For example, a mother constantly tells her daughter that her husband needs to be “kept in tight rein” in order to discourage him from thinking about going to the left.

Interesting fact! Jealousy - what is it? Psychology claims that according to the results of sociological research, jealous men are more prone to addictions such as alcohol than subjects who do not have such a pronounced sense of ownership.

Male jealousy and the psychology of relationships

What are the causes of jealousy in men? Psychology believes that the development of a culture with a predominance of patriarchal sentiments contributed to the strengthening of the possessive instincts in the male half. Thus, the male seriously begins to believe in the “master-slave” model of relations only because he considers himself entitled to manage the life of the chosen one as a master. Any attempt by a girl to show independence and independent behavior is regarded by him as an encroachment on her property.

If women are characterized by jealousy as a subconscious fear of being left without the protection of a strong patron, then men are afraid of losing their soul mate and spending their future lives alone. For example, a husband harasses his wife with suspicion, fearing not to find a replacement for her due to age, insufficient material well-being, or an inferiority complex. with a girl 10 or more years younger than themselves, they often experience jealousy towards her peers of the opposite sex. The way out of this situation is a joint search for compromises and the establishment of trusting relationships.

If a man gets female jealousy, psychologists recommend that he focus on creating as few reasons as possible for suspicion of adultery. You need to emphasize the strengths of your soulmate, compliment her, please her with pleasant surprises and explain that she is the one and only. It is worth leaving in the past the fear of losing a loved one, because fear is a destructive feeling, on the foundation of which it is impossible to build a strong family.

Causes of jealousy in women: the psychology of relationships

Regarding the causes of jealousy in men, psychology gives clear and unambiguous answers, but with women, things are more complicated. If the majority of men cannot survive the fact of physical betrayal, then spiritual betrayal looks much worse for women. A fleeting infatuation with another passion, or even an accidental sexual contact due to alcohol taken over at a party, does not touch female nature as much as the sight of a spouse admiring another lady. Other common causes of female jealousy in psychology are:

1. Developed fantasy, which draws in the imagination of various scenes of adultery, not based on real facts.
2. An inferiority complex, when a woman constantly compares herself with others, looking for new shortcomings in herself. Therefore, many wives are jealous of their husbands for former passions, harassing them with constant questions like “what was in her that is not in me?”.

A tendency to dramatize events and excessive excitement. o their husbands because of the habit of protecting them from potential troubles, which include getting to know a new passion. Since the hypertrophied sense of ownership in girls is often rooted in early childhood, it is necessary to concentrate on finding the causes of the formed phobia and eradicate them on your own or with the help of a competent specialist.

Interesting fact! Lidia Smirnova, the star of the Soviet films "In the Name of the Revolution", "Welcome or No Trespassing" and "Carnival", once shared her opinion with journalists about marital jealousy. According to the actress, initially she was very worried about jealousy on the part of her husband, until she herself cheated on him. Psychologists do not recommend resorting to such drastic measures, and before taking any specific steps, it is worth consulting with a specialist.

Jealousy: what to do?

What to do if a man is jealous? Psychology answers this question in this way: first of all, it is necessary to carry out a thorough work on the elimination of such feelings as fear, resentment and aggression, since they have a destructive nature. As practice shows, if everything in a person’s life goes well, he does not suffer from hypertrophied jealousy. And vice versa: a subject who has not achieved success and is accustomed to shifting blame and responsibility onto others is characterized by an increased predisposition to developing and cultivating a sense of ownership.

If there is a place to be female jealousy in a relationship, psychologists recommend first of all to firmly understand the fact that love implies caring and striving to improve the quality of life of the object of adoration. Violence and excessive selfishness are out of place in two people who love and respect each other. Suspicion of a partner violates the boundaries of comfort and introduces him into a state of permanent stress, which is very difficult to get out of. In order to get rid of the pathological feeling of possessiveness, the following recommendations should be adopted:

1. Minimize communication with former lovers or spouses.
2. Praise your chosen one more often and emphasize the strengths of his appearance and character in a conversation.
3. It is important to keep yourself in good physical shape. Advice for girls: pay more attention to your own health and beauty than useless reproaches towards your husband.
4. It is worth respecting the personal space of another person, and not making periodic phone checks for sms messages and other compromising content.

When a husband is plagued by suspicions of adultery, the wife should at least temporarily begin to dress less provocatively and catchy. It is also worth minimizing contact with members of the opposite sex and organizing a joint visit to a psychologist with a good reputation. An excellently proven specialist is Nikita Valerievich Baturin, a hypnologist, a practicing psychologist and a consultant on getting rid of neuroses and phobias.

Nikita Valeryevich is the author of effective techniques for overcoming fears, on which the feeling of jealousy is based. Therefore, a couple who wants to improve relations and regain lost trust in them should definitely ask him the accumulated questions and get professional support. To do this, you can sign up for an online consultation or contact directly through the social network VKontakte. Nikita Baturin runs his own YouTube channel. For example, in this video, the author talks about effective ways to get rid of anxiety and fears necessary to establish trusting relationships within the family:

What kind of feeling is "jealousy"? Is it good or bad, destructive or constructive? Let's try to figure it out together.

Let's start with the simplest, starting from the "stove". We are part of nature, its microscopic particle. With all its existence, nature has long proved that it is not suicidal. Everything that happens to her is aimed at survival, existence and development, even wars, diseases and supernova explosions.

The instinct of survival, self-preservation is born with every new creature, plant, animal. Organic compounds that were born without it immediately die out with one generation. The bitter taste of some berries, horns, teeth and hooves are all ways to defend yourself.

A newborn baby grabs everything that comes into its mouth and fingers, pulls it towards itself. Only such a baby can survive in the forest and become Mowgli.

The instinct “mine”, “I won’t give it back” helps from birth. The need to share and give will appear later, already from the mind. But it will be dictated in many respects by profitability.

Let's go further and draw a parallel from a dog's sugar bone, which is almost impossible to take away from a wild dog, to a man who once appeared in your life and became yours. Yes, men will not be offended by such a comparison.

You perceive your man as a dog's bone, your property, and therefore part of yourself. Just like a child perceives his mother, family. This is the part of the universe on which your life depends. Will you give her away? Oh, hardly.

If a person is jealous, can this feeling be called greed? How is it different from self-preservation? The fear of losing a piece of your security and well-being is jealousy.

Why people are jealous: the opinion of psychologists

We have determined the mechanism of the emergence of jealousy, found its origins. Like any feeling, jealousy has no clear measurements. Everyone measures the golden mean from himself.

The yardstick will swing in one direction, and you will get a hardened egoist and miser. It swings into another - a nihilist or defenseless, completely unadapted to life "nerd" will appear.

So, if you find the golden mean in your emotions, then jealousy will turn out to be a positive, good feeling. No wonder there is a saying "Jealous means love." Perhaps this is precisely the balance between the concepts of little and much.

To give without regret, a person learns, living through the summer. He knows how to take, grab and pull towards himself from birth. The relationship between these extreme feelings shapes education.

Each of us has our own personal space. It is very different in size. I'm not talking about wealth and the number of floors in a private mansion. It's about feeling loved.

There are two extremes in feeling important:

1. A sort of madrigal. His property is narrowed - it is only himself. He does not feel sorry for his relatives, or the apartment, or you. He is not jealous because he does not consider you a part of him.
2. Egoist. Everything around belongs to him. Even if “I’m not a din myself”, I still won’t give it to anyone! This one will be jealous not only of other people's calls, but also just like that of his fantasies. He will kill so that no one gets it.

Each other

Imagine a segment of a straight line, at one end of which is the jealousy of the “madrigal”, at the other end is the jealousy of the “egoist”. In relations between a man and a woman, this feeling is indicated by a dot on this segment. Do you remember Pushkin's "The less we love a woman ..."? Wow! The more she loves. Also with jealousy.

Follow a point on a line. The closer she is to the “egoist” on your part (the more you consider him your property, jealous, breaking dishes, screaming and crying), the more he feels like a “madrigal” with you. He is almost not sorry to part with you.

Jealousy is all drawn to one side. Or to another. And why shouldn't she slow down in the prudent middle, the one where jealousy = love?

Men

We have painted the basic rules for the existence of jealousy. Now let's analyze the subtleties and nuances associated with gender differences between people.

The differences are involved in different perceptions of family values ​​and, consequently, the property that is jealous and will not be given to anyone:

1. For a man, this is a sexual relationship, a body. If a woman can be sympathetic to the fact that her faithful, being on a business trip for two months, took off somewhere a prostitute for an hour, then the man simply will not forgive this.
2. His jealousy is limited to material substances. At the same time, he may not pay attention to the fact that you share your experiences with a friend, and not with him. He does not consider your inner world to be his property. He generally does not consider it by and large.

Women

A woman perceives relationships more sensually. For us, treason can be considered fishing or football. You do not want to let him go to the bachelor party because he will not belong there to you, but to friends.

For the same reason, contrary to numerous anecdotes, relationships not between mother-in-law and son-in-law, but between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, do not add up at times more often. Both women, and each is jealous of her husband and son. Imagine, not to the body.

To the past

You want to be present in the life of your loved one both physically and emotionally at all times. In his past, you were not there, and nothing can be done. And he remembers everything, and remembers how he was without you.

What to do:

1. Do not provoke him to memories with your questions.
2. Don't try to bring his past back to reality. Will not work. It is better to play on the contrast.
3. Listen to the end once. The second time it will be possible to interrupt: "You already told me this." And that's it! The past will be done away with.
4. Don't criticize her, the girl from the past. You can run into a defense, and it hurts.

Each of us today is the way he is, only because he had his own past. For example, one metal was hardened, rolled, stretched and rolled. And the other was forged and left in a puddle. Two metals with different backgrounds. So are people.

Remember for the future:

1. You will never return or change the past.
2. You love him the way his past made him. A different past would make him a different person that you would hardly love. Say thanks to his past.
3. It is foolish to reproach the past, and even more so to be jealous.

How to deal with feelings

Household psychology advises in extreme situations to count to ten. That is, do not immediately give out with vocal cords, air tremors, sound waves what is seething in your head.

Do not put thoughts into words for a few seconds. Because during this time:

• your brain will analyze the causes, effects and the whole situation a few more times, suggest other ideas and dilute the sharpness a little;
• those first words that you wanted to say will be replaced by others, less loud and more delicate.
• sometimes silence is more eloquent than any slogans and explanations, while you can always back down: you didn’t say anything!

Let's flip the problem. Do you need to deal with them? Why pretend to be some kind of superman with nodules, who has a battery dropped on his leg, and he stammers through his teeth: "You're wrong, sir"?

It is necessary not to restrain, but to reconfigure your feelings. Imagine that the feeling is an arrow shot by you and flying into it. Holding back the arrow, you put a barrier on the way from yourself. You feel bad, difficult and painful, but you endure, hold back. You saved him from injury by sacrificing yourself.

There is a great compromise - replace the arrow with flowers or at least a pillow. Both will be either pleasant or funny.

This is figurative, but in reality it is very difficult to turn the pain of jealousy, for example, into caring for him or into a healthy rivalry with her.

So choose between an arrow and a pillow. In the first case, the wound is inevitable either for you or for him. In the second, you win on all fronts.

Is the absence of jealousy the norm?

Let's put the question a little differently. You come home and find your loved one in bed with another woman. You greet the lady and calmly offer her coffee. Is this the norm? Of course not.

If this is not a game on your part and, in fact, volcanoes of passions boil in your soul, and unreleased arrows of feelings tear your soul to shreds from the inside, then I feel sorry for you.

Lack of jealousy is the norm when you are 100% confident in your loved one and do not check his mobile, do not sniff his shirts and do not search the interior of the car. Not at all because it’s indecent, but because you don’t want to waste time in vain, you still won’t find anything interesting.

And then, you are so confident in yourself, you see with what admiring eyes he looks at you in the morning, unhaired and not made up, that you won’t even read this article.

And if you read, then go back to the very beginning and read about a point on a segment. If you are not jealous, then he simply dies of jealousy.

How to deal with a jealous

The answer is unequivocal: sorry! And in order to stop being jealous:

• it is necessary to make it so that he excludes you from his vital positions: do not need it, take it;
• do not pay attention to jealousy: agree that sometimes it is nice (especially at the beginning of a relationship) that you are jealous - “Forget it!”;
• love strongly and be jealous yourself, shift the point of feelings towards yourself.

Jealousy is a strong feeling. And like any force, it can be both destructive and creative. What she will become in your relationship depends only on the two of you.

Video: Jealousy of a man, the essence of jealousy

For the first time, the feeling of jealousy comes to us in early childhood. The main reason for the appearance of jealousy is the fear of losing the love and attention of the mother.

For example, if a second child is born in the family, the elder will be desperately jealous. Because now all the love and attention of the mother, as it seems to him, goes to the youngest.

The jealousy potion is brewed with two main ingredients: fear and anger.

Fear pushes the child to find solutions that will help him return his mother's love.

For example, if a mother said that some Vasya from a neighboring apartment is a wonderful boy, her son will try to do something so that his mother also says about him how wonderful he is. And if he says that he is much more wonderful than this Vasya, then even better.

Anger is directed at "hostile" objects that prevent the child from receiving that love. The child understands that if it were not for this vile boy Vasya, he would have remained the most wonderful. As a result, he can bite, pinch or kick Vasya on occasion. In general, to do something so that Vasya does not interfere with his happiness to be the most beloved boy in the world.

The further development of the feeling of jealousy largely depends on this first childhood experience. For example, if a child understands that the mother's attention can be "returned" by doing something that she likes, his jealousy takes on a creative form.

He will behave well, he will study well. If the child has learned to draw attention to himself with complaints and crying, then he will adhere to this model of behavior in the future. If he pinched Vasya, and Vasya no longer catches the eye of his mother, then in adulthood his jealousy will become destructive to others.

Therefore, parents should, if possible, “return” to the child if he chose a positive line of behavior to achieve his goal, and, on the contrary, somehow “move away” from him if he tries to get the attention of his parents in a negative way.

Are there differences between male and female jealousy?

Undoubtedly. Recall that the reason for the jealousy of the child is always the mother (regardless of the sex of the child). In other words, the first object of jealousy is always a woman. And this leads to a rather curious consequence.

When a boy becomes an adult man, he will experience the greatest jealousy towards a woman. When a girl becomes an adult woman, she will feel the greatest jealousy ... for whom? In relation to a woman!

In other words, a man cares very little about what other men are like, he only cares about the fidelity (or infidelity) of his wife.

A woman, on the contrary, is much more bothered by thoughts about another woman than thoughts that her own man is unfaithful to her.

But that is not all. The boy experiences his first experience of jealousy in intense competition with the "other man" (with his father). But for girls, competition "with another woman" is ruled out in principle: her main "competitor" for her mother's attention is a person of the opposite sex. This is very important, since the parents for the child are the "prototypes" of his future adult relationships.

Who is the mother of the little boy? The ideal of love. And the father? The standard of behavior. What about the girl? The mother is for her the standard of behavior, and the father is the ideal of love. Do you understand what this means?

The boy is jealous of the ideal of love, and the woman is the standard of behavior. And when a man is jealous, he doubts that his woman is an ideal. When does a woman get jealous? She doubts that she is the standard for her man. Or he assumes that the "other woman" is more of a standard than she is. This means that a woman has a subconscious tendency to imitate a rival who "takes away" her ideal of love.

Boys are much more competitive (with other boys) and girls are much more imitative (with other girls).

In male jealousy, anger predominates (which is why men are much more likely to commit murders and suicides on the basis of jealousy), in female jealousy - fear.

In male jealousy, the sexual principle dominates, and in female jealousy, the emotional connection.

A jealous man is more inclined to blame others (he usually does not take himself into account, he is ideal by definition), a jealous woman, on the contrary, sees her own shortcomings in this.

It rarely occurs to men to "play jealousy", but women use it all the time.

How to deal with your own jealousy? Perhaps there are some special psychological techniques?

Maybe jealousy does something good for you. Like the boy who was given an example of his neighbor Vasya, and now he is trying his best to do something that will also be praised.

Remember that the first experience of jealousy that we experienced was the fear of losing a loved one. And you can return this love only - creatively. Trying to be better. Better than others. The best person in the world.

Fear and anger are negative feelings. But in this potion called "jealousy," they are more like a cure than a poison. And the first experience of childhood jealousy teaches us to come to terms with the fact that none of us is "the center of the universe." It is jealousy that teaches us love, because we begin to understand that love is not given to us just like that - it must be earned, it must be achieved. Therefore, I would not advise rushing to "cope" with jealousy: it can be a creative force.

For the proponents of the theory that their jealousy is somehow particularly harmful, let me offer the following recommendations:

1. First, you should discuss your jealous feelings with your loved one. My feelings, I repeat. If your discussions are about your partner cheating on you, and you want to make sure that this is not the case, such conversations are not a discussion of the topic of jealousy. Tell me how you feel. Try to explain to him what is the reason for your distrust of your partner. Talk about your shortcomings, which may be the cause of your reproaches and distrust.
2. Secondly, you should work on your self-esteem. It is a universal remedy for all cases of jealousy. The lower the self-esteem, the more reasons for jealousy. If you have low self-esteem, you subconsciously understand that you do not deserve the right to be the most loved person, and this hurts you.
3. Thirdly, you need to go to a psychologist for an appointment. And especially if neither the first nor the second helps you. There are no healing conspiracies from jealousy like "eniki, beniks, ate jealous dumplings" does not exist.

If a person suffers from the pangs of jealousy, but keeps his feelings to himself - can this negatively affect relationships? Is it better to discuss your emotions?

And not only jealousy, but also any other of your feelings and emotions. Always talk about how you feel. At least it will get easier.

I do not discover any America: it is well known that speaking out your feelings helps to achieve emotional release. Just do not confuse this with "splashing of emotions." You need to talk about your feelings, and not throw pots.

Moreover. Speaking out your emotions has a positive effect even if you say it to yourself. Aloud.

For example, if you are overcome by a feeling of jealousy, then say this (out loud): "I am overcome by a feeling of jealousy, I am jealous, I am jealous, I am jealous"(the text is arbitrary, the main thing is that it reflects as accurately as possible what you feel). Helps a lot.

How to calm a partner if he has attacks of jealousy? In general, such relationships, where one person is pathologically jealous, have a future?

Seizures don't just happen. They have a reason. For example, if a man leaves for work at seven in the morning and returns at twelve at night, and so every day, then his woman has every right to an "attack" of jealousy. I'm not in the sense that she should portray jealousy, but that her jealousy is not unfounded.

Many people think: "If I'm not cheating, then my partner has nothing to worry about." And they consider the jealousy of a partner far-fetched and painful. But artificiality is a consequence. The reason for jealousy is the lack of signs of attention. Save on compliments. Indifference to the emotional side of your relationship.

And the more one of the partners finds himself in an emotional vacuum, the more reasons for jealousy he has. Even if his partner is St. Thomas Aquinas.

The second common "reason" for attacks of jealousy is the partner's anxiety for his unattractiveness. For example, in a woman during pregnancy, jealousy intensifies many times over, and a man in these months should be especially sensitive and attentive to her.

Anxiety (and, as a result, the reason for the "attack" of jealousy) can be diseases, injuries, sexual problems and many other reasons that reduce self-esteem and increase anxiety. With a little more sensitivity and attention, you can bring all these attacks to naught.

As for the obviously pathological options, the future of such relationships depends entirely on the patience of the "jealous" side. If you want to know my opinion, I consider such relationships humiliating and not worth continuing.

There is another extreme - when a person is not jealous at all. This is fine?

Absolutely normal. Let's think about the causes of jealousy. Why does the child feel fear of losing the love and attention of the mother? Because he clearly lacks her attention, her affection, her smile, her presence. This is not a theory, but a sensory experience. He's sick and she's not around. He wants to play, but she is busy. As a consequence, his jealousy is an indicator of emotional dissatisfaction.

I think this is equally true for an adult. If family relationships are built on love, care and trust, there can be no reasons for jealousy by definition.

For many partners, friendship with members of the opposite sex becomes a stumbling block. The one who believes in it continues to be friends - and get on the nerves of those who do not believe. How to be in this situation?

I believe that for the good of the family it is best to exclude such friendship. There is a set of unspoken rules for the family. A man is friends with men. A woman is friends with women. If you are invited to a heterosexual company, you must be with your partner. A married couple is only friends with a married couple. Friendship with single members of the opposite sex should be avoided. Only business relations are possible with them.

If, however, someone who believes somehow especially needs to be friends with a single representative of the opposite sex, then the latter should make up a couple (at least formally), and meetings, of course, should only be family.