Relationships with superiors play an important role in the scenario of career growth and business advancement. proves to be a difficult psychological test for many people. When a leader doesn't control himself, the problem gets worse. Not everyone can tolerate rudeness, but a worthy response requires strength. What to do if your boss behaves defiantly? How to deal with rudeness and tyranny? When is it better to remain silent and what actions are suitable for emergency situations? The answers to the questions will be provided by applied psychology of business communication.

What kind of bosses are there?

Leading people is a complex art that requires a person to have a set of certain qualities: self-control, flexibility, ambition, sociability, organization... the list goes on forever. When work in a team is not going well, it is worth thinking about the competence of the boss.

Destructive managers are destroyers of office peace and order. You can’t cook porridge with them, and you can’t solve the problem. But there are always plenty of problems.

• Creepy- This is a god of the middle order. He is a small leader at the beck and call of a big boss. Today he is satisfied with your work, and tomorrow he scolds you, having received criticism from higher management.
• Dictator- won’t let you say a word against it. Doesn't accept criticism, advice, doesn't listen to wishes. He thinks he knows everything better than you. And even if you are a first-class architect, and he does not distinguish a load-bearing wall from a non-load-bearing one, his authoritarian wishes are undeniable.

• slob– his element is lack of concentration and disorganization. He forgets about important meetings, deadlines, assignments, does not control the progress of work, lashing out at his subordinates for his mistakes.
• Sadist- a tyrant who knows all the weaknesses of his subordinates. He loves to mock. The sadist becomes firmly attached to the victim, skillfully steps on sore calluses, humiliating the person. The tyrant experiences sadistic love for his subordinates. He cultivates a sense of dependence and slavish obedience in the team, instilling a sense of fear in his subordinates.
• Actor– plays at being a competent specialist. His only goal is to maintain his image, even by humiliating his subordinates.
• Coward- afraid of competition. He is suspicious and strives to prevent the slightest danger. By humiliating his subordinates, he kills the spirit of competition in the team.
• Father-mentor, mother-director– most of the time, fatherly-type managers cope with their responsibilities professionally. Manifestations of destructive behavior arise unexpectedly, but soon pass without bringing obvious destructive consequences.

Your response to your boss depends on the reasons and forms of inappropriate behavior.

Inappropriate leadership behavior:

• increased intonation, rough speech,
• ridiculing and belittling the dignity of subordinates,
• familiar behavior
• flirting, obscene hints,
• passive derogatory gestures (humiliation in a veiled form: sarcastic remarks, ambiguous smiles, hints).

These are signs of unprofessionalism. In Russia, management literacy is poorly developed.

Positions often go to the strongest, but not to the most worthy. Assess your strengths and capabilities before you enter the fight.

The slightest mistake will be your defeat and will worsen your situation at work.

How to put an arrogant leader in his place?

• Calm. Don't get emotional. In an excited state, you are easier to manipulate. Start preparing for the conversation in advance. Take a couple of minutes, close your eyes. Breathe evenly: inhale deeply and exhale slowly. Repeat several times. Don't stress yourself out before the conversation. Stay calm, even, try not to show emotions. Calmness will moderate the boss's ardor.

• Politeness. When a manager is rude, ask him to justify the reasons for the behavior. Speak in a cold, reserved tone, politely. Show that you are well-mannered. Uncultured behavior is a sign of low intellectual development. You are above rudeness. There is no place for unprofessional communication in business ethics. Politeness and restraint are a sign of courage. Controlling your emotions means conquering your fears. Having mastered yourself, you become an uninteresting toy for a sadistic boss or an actor.

• Conversation face to face. Public attacks on superiors are fraught with unpleasant consequences. To avoid them, choose a place and time to talk to your boss alone. Try to find out what doesn't suit him about your work. Take a piece of paper, a pen and write down. If any of the above is not true, ask again. By forcing your boss to repeat a lie, you emphasize the illegality and incorrectness of his actions, awakening his conscience.

If the boss is a tyrant, during a personal conversation you can make an attempt to hurt his ego. In this case, there are 2 nuances:

• Self-doubt and natural timidity will prevent you from winning a collision. Outcome: tyranny will become harsher.
• You risk going too far. Your relationship with your boss will deteriorate completely, and your job will be in doubt.

During a conversation, do not let them wipe their feet on themselves, show your inner core and confidence. Don't give in to provocations. If during a conversation your boss attacks you and engages you in an altercation, imagine yourself under the protection of a glass dome. You are inside, and the boss is outside. His rough and aggressive attacks are reflected from the glass surface without touching you. While you are fantasizing, the boss will cool down. Start speaking when the boss has let off steam and finished his tirade. Don’t interrupt or try to outshout your boss, as you will make the situation worse.

• Ignoring. Suitable for interaction with bosses who show aggression inconsistently: a creep, a slob, a mother-director. In their case, negative attacks have a specific reason. Bosses are people too and they have their weaknesses. The feeling of increased responsibility, almost paternal love for the team, forces the father-boss to go beyond business communication. The slob is aggressive in the event of major failures. A creepy boss behaves inappropriately after a shake-up from senior management. It’s easier to survive such attacks by immersing yourself in work, trying not to pay attention to the raging management.

• Nonverbal techniques. With dictatorial leaders, methods of verbal influence are powerless. You can convey your dissatisfaction to an authoritarian leader using gestures, facial expressions, glances, and intonation. This method is suitable for employees who especially value their workplace. By influencing the subconscious, you will avoid direct confrontation and bypass conflict situations.

Indirect methods of influencing a boss or supervisor

A person receives about 80% of information non-verbally! If you build a behavior model correctly, the information will be firmly entrenched in your boss on a subconscious level.

• Forget about smiling. Don't try to smooth things over by smiling at your boss during an awkward moment.

Be serious. Women, when communicating with men on a subconscious level, use a smile to achieve sympathy. In business relationships, this technique may not work.

By smiling awkwardly, you show softness and provoke an attack, especially from a sadist, dictator and actor. An emotionless facial expression cools the boss's ardor.

• Follow your gaze. Look your boss in the eye. If you find it difficult to maintain eye contact, keep your gaze at nose level. When you lower your eyes, you recognize the strength of the other person. On a subconscious level, he feels that you have given up and goes on an active offensive.

• Control your gestures. Lowering the head, constant nodding, nervous gestures, defensive postures and movements, and weakness. Watch your behavior:

• Don't lean back in communication with the boss;
• Don't look for additional support in the form of a table or chair when standing in front of the boss;
• Don't isolate yourself away from him with crossed arms and legs;
• Stop blowing away non-existent specks of dust and remove imaginary specks from clothes;
• Take your hands off your face and lift up your eyes;
• Express agreement with a discreet single nod;
• Formulate your phrases precisely and answer questions.

• Don't hesitate trying to avoid answering. By hiding behind vague phrases, you are admitting insecurity and weakness.
• Work on your clothes. Business style in clothing is a symbol of distance. A formal dress code sets subconscious boundaries of communication in the boss’s head. It is not for nothing that in large companies employees are required to comply with mandatory appearance requirements, the main one of which is business attire.
• Don't pay attention to jokes and provocations. Failure to respond as expected will disrupt your boss’s plans. Move on to discuss work issues without noticing sarcasm and inappropriate jokes. This technique does not work with tyrant leaders. Silence for them is a sign of weakness and fear, which affects sadists like a red rag on a bull.

Coping with habitual nonverbal reactions is difficult, but necessary if you want to show your boss his place.

When choosing a method of response, be guided by your own strengths and the character of your boss. The more individual factors you take into account, the more effective your behavior will be.

What can't you do?

• Tolerate public insults in silence. This way you risk losing the respect of not only your boss, but also your colleagues.
• Respond with rudeness. Rudeness breeds new aggression. Don't stoop to the level of a boor, respect your dignity.
• Criticize the boss. No boss likes criticism. If your boss is a dictator, you risk deepening the conflict. By judging your boss in a fit of anger, you provoke a negative outburst on you. A single aggressive attack will turn into persistent hostility on the part of the manager.
• Humbly ask for forgiveness and take the blame upon yourself. This way you humiliate your own dignity and give the tyrant a free hand. You will be held responsible for all incidents in the office. This behavior is especially dangerous with a sadist and slob. If respect in the team does not play a big role for you or the dialogue with the boss takes place in private, you can take the blame for communicating with a dictator or a coward. Aggressive attacks will stop.

Forewarned is forearmed!

Conflicts with superiors are easier to prevent than to deal with their consequences.

• Achieve a balance of interests. often arise from misunderstandings. The boss does not try to explain his position and desires to his subordinates, and the employees tolerate and silently carry out the manager’s vague tasks. Result: dissatisfaction on both sides. Look for benefits for yourself and for your superiors. Find the optimal balance of interests.

• Understand the boss. Take a closer look at the boss. By studying his habits, requirements, character traits, you will be able to avoid controversial situations and conflicts. Knowing the hidden reasons behind inappropriate behavior gives you a secret weapon in the fight against your boss's misconduct.
• Establish dialogue. People open up in communication. Through dialogue, you can convey to a person not only verbal information, but also your internal state. Surely you have seen employees who are able to calm their father-boss in anger or influence the boss - a slob. It's all about the right approach to communication, and every boss has weaknesses.
• Confidence from the first days. When you start a new job, . Sadists and actors avoid confrontations with such people. Excessive confidence can unnerve a boss - a coward or a dictator. It's up to your leader how much you can raise the bar for your fearlessness.

You can find a balance in your relationship with any boss. Be more careful and don't be afraid of leadership.

Unfortunately, quite often in the workplace there is a situation where an ordinary employee is forced to listen to the director’s strict remarks addressed to him. Conflicts happen systematically and arise for any reason. It seems that the manager is irritated by the mere presence of the subordinate. Sometimes his sarcastic comments appear out of nowhere for no apparent reason and look like nitpicking. Many office workers have endured insults from their boss for years and are in no hurry to somehow change the situation. Some people find it futile to defend their interests, others are openly afraid of adverse consequences in the future. What to do when you see that your boss is looking for a reason to hurt you? How to behave correctly?

Reasons for nitpicking

This is the first thing to find out. In some cases, you can ask a person directly why he is so attentive to your person? You might just be annoying him as a person. If it turns out that he is unhappy with the work you are doing, ask him to justify his answer. Let him confirm with real facts. But not all directors and managers will want to talk frankly. In this case, watch him for a few days and much of what was previously unnoticed will now become clear. You will be able to answer the question: why did he choose you as a target to vent his anger and irritation?

Negative emotions tend to gradually accumulate and ruin a person’s life. To change the situation, you definitely need to do something. Love yourself and do not allow yourself to be unfairly offended. Remember: no one will take care of you if you don't do it yourself. It's a fairly common situation at work when directors are dissatisfied with the work of their subordinates. Over time, such dissatisfaction can turn into constant quarrels and resentments. Such behavior immediately affects labor productivity and the entire team. Do everything possible to understand the true reasons for the nagging towards you and correct this situation.

Analysis of your activities

Quite often it happens that a person, while at work, does not notice his mistakes and mistakes. Sometimes we tend to overestimate our efforts. Especially when we work in a job we don’t like. By doing something we don’t like, we inevitably doom ourselves to painful torment and suffering. Think about it, is this really the activity you always wanted to do? Have you turned into an office slave who obeys all the orders of the boss, but has absolutely no ambitions of his own? Haven't you ended up becoming a downtrodden and boring creature?

To understand whether the director’s attitude is fair or not, you need to carefully analyze the work and your approach to it. Perhaps you are one of those employees who like to spend a long time in the “smoking room” or linger significantly after lunch? Please reconsider your own attitude towards work, and then a lot will become clear to you. Strange as it may seem, sometimes the boss’s reproaches are the most fair. Become a model of responsibility by completing everything assigned to you in a proactive manner.

Admitting mistakes

If you discover your mistakes, have the courage to admit them. There is no need to continue to behave the same way. This doesn’t mean that you should immediately run to report your thoughts to your boss, just try not to make similar mistakes again. Make a definite decision for yourself and follow your goal. Remember that only truly strong people can admit failures and mistakes. Be open to change, strictly follow the tasks that you yourself have determined. The boss, if he is an intelligent person, will definitely pay attention to the changes that have occurred. Enthusiasm in work is immediately visible and felt from a distance. You don't need to do anything special, just reconsider your working hours and how you spend them.

Showdown

If the boss is seriously nagging, then for a comfortable existence in the team it is necessary to thoroughly understand the situation. Sometimes a manager and a subordinate do not understand each other so much that they do not even want to hear about trying to understand the motives of others’ actions. It’s worth going to your boss’s office and trying to find out what exactly he’s dissatisfied with. Let him justify his answer. If he can do this, then you will be able to behave much more confidently and freely in the future. There is nothing worse than making assumptions and being constantly stressed. Try, however, so that the entire team does not observe the clarification of your relationship. The boss will appreciate your delicacy. During the conversation, be sure to find out all the questions that interest you, try not to hurt the manager’s feelings and not provoke him into a quarrel. Otherwise, mutual understanding will not be achieved.

Looking for a new job

When you have made appropriate efforts to reach an agreement with your boss, but they have not brought the desired result, the only option seems to be leaving your current job. Really, why torture yourself? You should never tolerate rudeness, disrespect, or humiliation of your personality. You never know what kind of boss he might be, this in no way justifies his harsh swear words. He simply has no right to behave this way with his employees. A good leader will never allow himself offensive comments and statements addressed to his subordinates, especially in the presence of strangers.

You should start looking for a new job when you have exhausted all possible ways to negotiate peacefully with your boss, if he cannot control himself, constantly breaks down and screams. You need to respect your personality to a minimum in order to decide to change. Take full responsibility. Finally, realize that you yourself are able to change a lot in life. Remember that no one can take better care of you. You can start by keeping notes in a personal diary about what is happening to you, this will help you understand the existing problems.

Thus, there are often situations in life when subordinates have to defend their interests before their superiors. Cases when a manager undeservedly finds fault and tries in every possible way to humiliate are, unfortunately, not uncommon. You need to act as honestly and openly as possible in order to understand the reasons why they are doing this to you. Under no circumstances allow yourself to be humiliated.

Galina Anatolyevna Anderson, a psychologist, psychophysiologist and biofeedback therapist at the Alvian Center for Psychosomatic Medicine and Psychotherapy in Moscow, talks about how to behave when your boss is rude.

Big social problem

The phenomenon of a boss treating his subordinates, to put it mildly, not very politely, is quite widespread throughout the world. There is even a special term for such a situation in social psychology - “toxic leader.” Toxic means poisonous, and this is a very accurate definition: the boorish attitude of the authorities not only spoils the mood, but also poisons the entire body. As a result, various diseases arise that are the consequences of chronic stress and the accompanying constant overexcitation of the nervous system. If you regularly encounter rudeness from your boss, then the best way to solve this problem is to change jobs, since you won’t be able to re-educate your boss or force him to change his behavior.

Unfortunately, changing jobs is not always possible - most often people are forced to tolerate such a manager. In this case, the ancient wisdom applies: if we cannot change the situation, we must learn to accept it. Some rules will help you learn this.

Rule 1. Understand why you should tolerate a toxic leader, or find some higher meaning in this.

Answer yourself the question: why and for what reason should you tolerate such a leader? It is very important to understand this, because if we know exactly why we are doing this, then we can endure a lot. To answer this question, you need to build a scale of priorities and formulate for yourself what exactly makes you go to this job - responsibility to your family, the desire to solve current problems (buy an apartment, educate children, change a car, pay for the treatment of a family member), desire work until retirement, etc. Each person has his own priorities, and they must be constantly remembered, because they contain the very meaning for which he is ready to endure the boorish attitude of the leader.

Thus, every time you encounter rudeness from a manager, remind yourself why you are putting up with it: in order to be able to take care of your loved ones, create a safety net, finish your project, etc.

Rule 2. If you decide to tolerate a toxic leader, then you need to do this consciously and regularly remind yourself that you yourself, of your own free will, made this decision.

Often, although a person decides to tolerate the rudeness of his boss, he believes that it was not himself, but circumstances that forced him to make such a decision. In this case, he takes not an active position (since making a decision is an active manifestation of a person’s will), but a passive position (he is a victim of coercion). The difference in these two positions is fundamental: considering himself a helpless victim of circumstances, over time a person, consciously or unconsciously, may begin to blame his family for these problems and take it out on loved ones (family, children) for a stressful situation at work. Or he may turn into auto-aggression and begin to be angry with himself, blaming himself for the lack of pride, willpower and self-esteem, which can lead to deep depression and other diseases.

Rule 3. Find support points that will help you accept this situation.

Having decided to put up with the toxicity of a leader, you need to change your attitude towards his rudeness. Say to yourself, “I’m going to stop making too much of my boss’s behavior. His behavior is the result of his own unresolved emotional and psychological problems, due to which he cannot control himself. His rudeness is not my problem, but his.” In search of a foothold, the most important thing is to maintain self-respect. Tell yourself: “I respect myself in any case, I am confident that I am right, I have self-esteem and I deserve the respect of others, even if the boss thinks differently.”

Rule 4. If a leader is rude, you should not argue with him, convince him or prove that you are right.

If your boss starts to be rude, give him the opportunity to let off steam and throw out his anger. When he speaks out and presents all his claims in such an impartial form, you need to calmly but firmly explain to him your position and provide specific and clear arguments in favor of your point of view. At the same time, you should not argue or try to outshout your boss: your confidence in your own rightness, your self-respect and self-esteem will help you clearly state your position.

But the most offensive thing is if the boss is not only rude, but also makes unfounded accusations. In this case, you should especially not argue, convince your opponent and prove that you are right - this can only be done in a calm atmosphere. At such a moment, just mentally remind yourself: “I still know that I am right, and as soon as he sets out all the claims, I will offer him counterarguments.” It is good if you prepare these arguments in writing in advance. Then it will be possible to put them on his desk with a minimum of verbal comments, simply offering to read them. This will help you not only not to get involved in an argument based on the principle of a fool being a fool, but also to maintain your dignity and nerves.

Rule 5. Keep your own behavior under control.

After the boss lets off steam, pause, take a deep breath and calmly, confidently, as you exhale, tell him, for example, like this (if your opponent’s accusations were to some extent justified): “I accept your accusations and am ready to give my explanations.” . And if his accusations were wrongful, you can say this: “I listened to you, but I don’t agree with you and I’m ready to give you my arguments.”

If your boss insults you with rude words, remember that the most important thing is to maintain your human dignity and inner respect for yourself as an individual, because our self-respect does not depend on the attitude of our boss. When faced with rudeness, you need to firmly and confidently say: “I will ask you not to talk to me in such a tone.” You need to say this calmly, without raising your voice, or even deliberately quieter than usual - this will let your boss know that, on the one hand, you are not trying to insult him or argue with him, and on the other, you are declaring your right to be treated with respect.

Rule 6. Boss versus boss.

There is a special method that helps to maintain calm, self-confidence and a firm tone in a conversation - the biofeedback method (BFB). This is a scientific method of psycho-emotional self-regulation, which is based on ancient practices including breathing control, concentration and relaxation. It helps people control their emotions and manage their emotional and physical states. Biofeedback is a technique that allows you to manage your physiological state as a whole and the activity of individual body systems (respiratory, cardiovascular, nervous, etc.). One of the biofeedback techniques is the technique of diaphragmatic relaxation breathing, in which the diaphragm is included in the breathing process.

With this type of breathing, we slow down the exhalation and thereby turn on the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for emotional inhibition (calming). If you learn to speak while breathing out, pronouncing your words clearly, slowly and confidently, your speech will sound convincing, and thereby you will force your boss to listen to your words. That is, you don’t chatter, don’t shout over him or make excuses, but calmly and clearly state your position AS YOU EXHALE.

Biofeedback therapy is actively used as a self-help method for overcoming stressful situations, normalizing the emotional background, increasing stress resistance and acquiring relaxation skills. To fully master the biofeedback technique, you need to contact a psychologist specializing in this area.

A conflict is a clash between two or more parties, during which there is a struggle for some resource. A minor situational conflict (even in which you won a visible victory) can develop into a protracted war that poisons your life every day (it’s unlikely that you should waste time and effort on this). Most often, the conflict manifests itself in verbal aggression, since experiences and emotions are always a strong muscle clamp, and primarily in the larynx. The result is a scream, an inadequate reaction, severe stress, and the emotional involvement of an increasing number of people in the conflict. In relation to the boss and a colleague of the same rank, different strategies are chosen, but you need to act solely according to the situation.

Stages of conflict

1. Pre-conflict
2. Conflict
3. Post-conflict

Techniques for getting out of conflict

The first and most important thing is awareness of the conflict. Learn to rationally assess the situation. At the moment when you realize that a conflict is brewing, do not involve emotions under any circumstances.

Often the stages of a conflict are visible, but sometimes the stages merge, or the transition from one to another is so fast that below I will only consider ways to exit the stage (from simple to more complex).

Warn

Often we ourselves are to blame for conflicts, for example, you did not have time to submit an important report on time. In this case, it is best to approach your boss at the beginning of the day and say: “I understand that a conflict may occur, but such and such a situation happened to me.” And explain the reasons. Such rhetoric can prevent the start of a “war.” Since the cause of every conflict is some incident or irritating factor, try to figure out what is happening.

Understanding

Use phrases of agreement, understanding and gratitude:

• Yes, I understand you
• I understand very well that this project is very important to you.
• I agree, because we are both interested in resolving this situation
• I support, and I meant the same thing (said the same thing)
• Thank you for paying attention to..., we (I) will definitely fix it

Neutralize

If you need time, you can leave the line of attack using the following phrases:

• Sorry, I need to clarify the information to answer your question, I'll be back in X minutes
• I suggest postponing this conversation until we receive a response to your request...

If the situation allows, leave the room for a while, even if you are in the boss’s office. Next, walk along the corridor, if possible, wash yourself with cold water - in order to neutralize the aggression within yourself, at least for a couple of minutes switch to a series of abstract physical actions.

Breaking the pattern

Use simple touch switching manipulation. “Accidentally” drop your pen, cough, you can say something completely abstract, for example: “It’s so stuffy in our room...” So aggression does not achieve its goal.

Questions

When accusations are thrown at you from the lips of your superiors (sometimes not without basis), agree on all counts (here it is important not to overact and control your emotions). And then ask for help: “It’s hard for me because...”, “I’m very worried, tell me what I need to fix,” “give me advice,” etc. Ask clarifying open-ended questions that require a detailed answer; they save the situation. A good formula: ask - listen - thank.

Use clarifying questions, for example, if they pick on you too much or say that you did a bad job - ask what exactly you didn’t do, clarify:“What exactly did I not do, I want to figure it out, I ask you.” Remember that the one who asks the questions controls the conflict. If you are unfairly accused of being a bad worker - confidently attack with questions:“If I’m a bad employee, why are you telling me this right now?”, “Why am I a bad employee, please explain.”

Feelings

Instead of blaming, convey your feelings. For example, say: “I feel uncomfortable” instead of: “You are nagging me, you are disturbing me, you are gossiping, etc.” . If this is a showdown, say: “I’m worried, it’s difficult for me,” “I feel discomfort,” “I want to understand the situation,” “I want to find out.” ADJUSTMENT to the experience of the person who initiates the conflict is very important. If this is your boss, say the following phrases: “Yes, this upsets me too,” “Yes, unfortunately, this is a mistake, I think so too.” It is also extremely important to be able to listen and put yourself in a person’s place, to hear not so much WHAT a person says, but to think WHY he says that way.

By the way, many conflicts can really be reduced to nothing with the help of a conversation over a cup of tea. With a colleague who you think dislikes you, the best thing to do is to have an honest conversation and ask a series of questions. For example: “What about me irritates you? Let's figure it out." This is how the conflict is translated into a constructive channel and, according to psychologists, this is the most civilized way of behavior. It is important to find a convenient moment and have a heart-to-heart talk, so in some cases we also learn to analyze our mistakes.

Image

Remember, the main thing in any conflict situation is that you must radiate calm. This will help you:

• confident intonation; Avoid notes of arrogance and irritation in your voice - such intonation in itself is conflict-generating. With those colleagues with whom you, for one reason or another, do not maintain friendly relations, choose a neutral-distance method of communication and a cold tone without deceitful sincerity (and without calling);
• a moderate rate of speech and a low timbre of voice are most pleasant to the ear. If you are talking to a person who does not have sympathy for you, adjust to his intonation and manner of speaking - this is favorable and neutralizes the desire to conflict;
• A glance at the area between the eyebrows in a conflict situation discourages the “attacker.” This optical focusing suppresses aggression.
• a straight (but not tense) back always puts you in a positive mood and gives you confidence. Psychologists say that straight posture increases self-esteem! ...It's no secret that conflict can be provoked by behavior, manner of speaking, dressing, lifestyle - the list goes on and on. All this depends on the worldview, upbringing of a person, his tastes, life attitudes and... internal problems.

Bottom line

Actions to help smooth out the conflict

• awareness of the emotional state of oneself and the opponent
• listening to the interlocutor
• emphasizing commonality of views
• open postures and calm gestures
• calm, even tone and tempo of voice with meaningful pauses
• appeal to facts
• non-judgmental description of actions
• admitting your mistakes (without belittling your own position)
• proposal for a way out of the current situation
• building optimal distances (physical, if possible)

Signs of permission

The following sequence of actions performed by the opponent almost always indicates that the conflict has been resolved:

1. a man doesn't hide his eyes
2. his voice becomes quieter
3. listens and asks questions
4. smiling

It is very important that:

• You offered a solution
• the opponent did not lose face
• so that there are no winners and losers

How to Avoid Conflict

There are words and topics that can ignite chronic conflict: politics, social status, religion, nationality, even age... Try not to touch on “sensitive” topics on fertile ground of conflict. For example, in a society of women with problems in their personal lives, it is advisable to brag less about their ideal husband, and in a society of men about their high financial status.

You can create a list of “cautions” yourself by carefully assessing the atmosphere in the team. By the way, if you hear criticism on the matter, join in, say words of support, if the situation allows, switch to compliments. Unnecessary nitpicking - go on the attack with clarifying open-ended questions. But the most important thing is to achieve inner peace. And, of course, never allow yourself to be drawn into “friendship against someone.”

check yourself

1. closed poses, body care
2. use of overgeneralizations
3. ignoring the interlocutor and his emotions
4. finding the culprits and blaming the partner
5. cutting off mid-sentence, interrupting
6. increased voice tone
7. sharp gestures: pointing, poking, rude
8. hurtful words and insults, humiliation, belittling positions
9. emphasizing differences

Now try to classify yourself as one of the types of conflicting personalities (called a client in the table)

If your boss is nagging you, this may mean that:

• You are doing a bad job and his comments are fair.
• It seems to you that he is biased towards you.
• You work well, but you are unlucky with your boss and he is really nagging.

Let's consider the last option. I don't know if this will be any consolation to you, but I can give you data from social surveys, anonymous surveys mind you, where people check a box knowing that they won't be punished for it. Here's what's happening in the workplace:

• The boss is ignoring me
• They purposely assign me the worst work.
• I'm not invited to meetings
• When I do something brilliantly, my boss pretends not to notice.
• Coworkers gossip about me behind my back
• Management deliberately supports an unhealthy climate in the team
• The boss is setting the others against me
• The boss is simply stealing my ideas
• The boss is constantly looking for something to complain about
• Everyone works on the principle of “every man for himself,” although everyone is told that we are one team

This is only a small part of what was indicated by people who were forced to endure the existing abnormal relationships. Slogan: “Change the world around you!” in this case it is useless, because it is impossible to change the laws by which the established collective lives. Of course, if you are Superman or the Terminator, you will do it in five minutes. But we are talking about normal people who are forced to receive a daily dose of negativity for practically nothing.

The image of a boss as a father is a thing of the past. Remember the old Soviet films, where some young worker Varya Snegireva comes running to her boss in tears and asks him to punish the mechanic Alexei, whom she, foolishly, loves. And he, the scoundrel, not only ruined a valuable part and broke the machine, but also did not come to the meeting at the cultural center. And the boss Nikolai Ivanovich, affectionately stroking the sobbing girl on the head, with the words “Go to work, daughter!” promises to sort it out.

Nowadays, office managers don’t cry on the director’s shoulder, and those who allow themselves to do this most likely have extra-office relationships. Today, imagine, the desired equality has arrived. I mean that everyone, without exception, is forced to obey one law -“If you don’t like it, quit!”

Everyone knows that it is difficult to find a good job, everyone needs money, everyone understands that you need to howl with everyone, or you will be killed. Would you say that these are some kind of wolf laws? Yes, that's right. You are lucky if you work in a surviving island of socialism, at some budget enterprise, where people sit on sick leave for months and successfully pretend that they are working. There are no evil bosses there, but there is no money there either.

Today, a different, specific atmosphere has reigned in the teams. This is an atmosphere of restrained wariness and false goodwill. In companies that live at their own expense, no one creates the appearance of work - you will go broke. But they create the appearance of goodwill and support, which in reality is not there. Not the best, but all the worst spiritual qualities awaken in people when the division of the common pie begins and it is clear to everyone from the very beginning who will get the biggest piece. At the same time, management fuels gossip and unhealthy competition, acting on the principle"Divide and rule!". Unfortunately, bullying one employee with the help of others has long become the norm. Now there is even a term"mobbing" . “Mob” means “crowd” in English. When everyone bullies one, what happens ismobbing , and in Russian speaking, bullying.

I saw with my own eyes how a boss, unable to lead without intrigue, set others against one employee. To begin with, having humiliated and insulted the girl as best she could, she then, with the subtle smile of the reigning empress, turned to the rest of her subordinates with the words: “Girls! You know that I am always for justice, that I am not a tyrant! Maybe someone thinks differently than me? Maybe I'm wrong and made a remark in vain? Speak up, don't be shy. We all wish each other well!”

Bravo! Mother Teresa, and nothing more! Take one guess what all these “girls” said in response?

Here is an example when a woman was counting. that the boss treats her specially:

Modest office employee Elena T. was sure that her large breasts were to blame. She believed that the boss was picking on her on purpose to flirt with her. I would like to say: madam, come to your senses! You are a little late: at school the boys are beating the girl they like with a ruler. And adult men have other ways to show that they like a woman. If you have heard something about Freud, then believe me, after your free interpretations, he turned over in his grave many times. Besides, what did he say himself? What "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" . Attempts to interpret the boss’s comments as a desire to possess are erroneous and reveal the woman’s personal dissatisfaction.

Another example. The girl turned to me with a request to help her shave off her boss, who was constantly picking on her. Shave it so that he would lose all desire to cling to her, and he would walk around her table a kilometer away. There is nothing simpler, all you need to do is publicly humiliate him. He will not forgive this and there will be no more conflicts. But the girl herself will not be there either, since she will pay for the humiliation with dismissal. I explained to her that she needed to act differently and now she is doing well.By publicly humiliating your superiors, you are declaring war on them. In this war you will lose, as you will find yourself “one warrior in the field.” What does a person usually do if he feels that his boss is picking on him, oppressing him and is clearly looking for a reason to fire him? Usually he starts complaining to a friend or girlfriend, right there at work, pours out his soul and discusses his bosses behind his back. You absolutely cannot do this, don’t believe them. who depends on this boss. you will inevitably be betrayed for thirty pieces of silver.

They will nod at you, feel sorry for you, and everyone will seem to be on your side. But, if you are unfairly offended again, tell me, will anyone openly speak out in your defense? - No. And if you get fired, will someone else quit in protest? It’s funny even to say it, of course not. This is not because people are so bad and two-faced, but because they are all dependent and have something to lose, the same salary, for example.Let's summarize: the boss can find fault with you personally, or he can involve the team in this. What can you do in response? Can you change the boss? - No. What about the team? - Also no. How to protect yourself? First, understand the situation. What kind of relationship does the boss have with other employees?Are they really good, or is he, naive, talking about himself on social networks, and his sycophantic employees giving him their “likes”?Find out why your boss is picking on youyou, find the reason.Sometimes it's envy - you are more beautiful and smarter. Sometimes this is a misunderstanding - he sees you as a completely different person, worse than you are. Work clearly so that “the mosquito doesn’t undermine your nose,” don’t give him a reason, and look for another job yourself. Don’t try to please, remove unnecessary emotions, don’t make a tragedy out of what’s happening: he’s picking on you, and someone’s leg is now being cut off on the operating table.Calm down and give yourself an injection of healthy cynicism - this will allow you to look at your boss ironically and not get worked up over trifles.Remember that you are not ideal and those around you are not obliged to love you. Never spread false rumors that you are supposedly quitting: you will not scare anyone by doing so.

Don’t try to take advantage of the situation to make peace at a corporate party, don’t humiliate yourself. Tell yourself that you will not see any of these people again and, continuing to work, without aggravating relations, look for a new job. This is not defeat or capitulation, you just didn’t work well with your superiors, this happens.You are free and you have the right to choose, use it. All the same, the limit of your patience will come; it is impossible to constantly endure humiliation, “where it is thin, it breaks.” The best thing for you is to not show at all that you don’t like something, and then suddenly go to a much better place and forget these people forever.Everything will be fine,“More than one fish swims in the sea”.

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