Evaluative conversations (interviews) with working employees are just beginning to become part of HR’s arsenal. In this regard, each company, through trial and error, is trying to develop its own unique approach to this new type of personnel assessment. Today, Ruslan MANSUROV, Candidate of Economic Sciences, Deputy General Director for Personnel Management of Nefis-Cosmetics OJSC (Kazan), shares practical experience in conducting assessment conversations.

The entire history of mankind is a history of conflicts. Some consider them to be a clearly negative phenomenon, while others consider them to be a completely natural and even somewhat positive factor that gives impetus to development. In any case, an HR specialist cannot afford to be a silent witness to the turmoil occurring in the organization. As a manager, he must be able to analyze and manage them and, of course, teach line managers to keep the situation under control.

HR Dictionary

Conflict(from lat. conflictus collision) - a contradiction that arises between people in the process of communication or teams in the process of their joint work activity due to misunderstanding or opposing interests, lack of agreement between two or more parties.

Organizational conflict- a conflict that arises within one organization.

What, what, what are these conflicts made of?

Conflicts have more destructive consequences for an organization than may seem at first glance. The opinion that participants in conflicts pay less attention to the quality of performance of their work duties has long been known and confirmed by numerous psychological studies. And after a conflict, opponents often fail to get back into the same working rhythm and work with the same productivity.

There are many typologies of conflicts in organizations. The main ones are presented in the diagrams on pages 87-89. However, in any case, the immediate manager of the employees and HR plays an important role in resolving a controversial situation. But to understand the essence of organizational conflicts and, most importantly, to be able to resolve them constructively, you need to understand what the role of the leader in the conflict is. What role does he take on? Does he allow himself to be drawn into conflict or does he try to resolve the situation?

A lot has been written about the nature of conflicts in organizations. We will not now repeat what you have probably already read. Let's focus on techniques that can help us in diagnosing, preventing and resolving conflicts, namely the method of transactional analysis*.

Who are you?

We have already written about I-states**. Let us remember that the I-state is a behavioral stereotype. Let's look at everything I-states: “Parent”, “Child”, “Adult”. What do they mean?

"Parent"- this is a state in which the information we received in childhood from parents and other authority figures is reflected, these are instructions, teachings, rules of conduct, social norms, prohibitions. Everything that determines how one should and how one should not behave in a given situation. In the Parent state, we can exhibit critical or nurturing behavior. The “parent” in a critical state manifests itself as a set of established strict rules (usually prohibitive), which may or may not coincide with the rules that the given individual has established for himself. The critical “Parent” keeps within itself certain commandments, prohibitions, norms, traditions, and prejudices. In this state, a person teaches, guides, evaluates, prohibits, draws boundaries, understands everything, has no doubts, looks for the culprit, ironizes, is responsible for everything and demands for everything. He uses language such as “You must”, “This cannot be done”, “You must do this”, “Stop this immediately”, etc. A caring “Parent” is also expressed through the manifestation of such qualities as warmth, encouragement, willingness to help , sympathy: “Don’t be foolish”, “Good job”, “Don’t rack your brains”, “I can understand you”, etc.

"Child"- this is an impulsive, uncontrollable principle in a person. On the one hand, it is gullibility, tenderness, spontaneity, curiosity, creative passion, and ingenuity. On the other hand, reluctance to make decisions, immaturity and other qualities that are not very positive for an adult. I-state “Child” is precisely the voice of the child living in us. In this state, we act under the influence of feelings, habits and behavior patterns inherent in our childhood. Children are able to go beyond social conventions (unlike the “Parent” position) and do not like to waste time on comprehensive logical justifications (unlike the “Adult” position). In this state, reactions characteristic of childhood appear: people obey, feel guilty or helpless, withdraw into themselves, demand approval, take offense at someone, fear something, and place increased demands on themselves. The “child” uses expressions such as “I’ll try”, “Why always me?”, “I can’t do it”, “I’m afraid”, “I would like to”. In this state, a person tries to do what he thinks is expected of him. Or he goes into a rebellious state, protests against stronger and more authoritative people, is capricious, willful, rude, disobedient and aggressive: “I don’t want this,” “Leave me alone.”

"Adult"- a state in which a person is able to objectively assess reality in accordance with information obtained as a result of his own experience, and on the basis of this makes independent, situation-appropriate decisions. The “Adult” state is distinguished by behavior, feelings, and habits that are characteristic of an adult person and that best correspond to reality. In the “Adult” state, a person can adapt, be reasonable, build objective relationships with the outside world on the basis of independent real experience. In this state, a person thinks soberly, carefully weighs, logically analyzes all his own and other people’s actions, actions, events, is free from prejudice, does not give in to reasoning, openly asks questions, and can share responsibility between himself and others. His questions begin with the words “How?”, “What?”, “When?”, “Why?”, “Who?”, “Where?”. In utterances from this state, a person uses words such as “maybe,” “probably,” “comparatively,” “in my opinion,” “I think,” “believe,” “in my experience,” “I will,” and etc. He chooses the simplest and most convincing solutions and tries to avoid negligence and carelessness. The “Adult” knows how to be independent from the prejudices of the “Parent” and the primitive impulses of the “Child”.

Psychology to the rescue

So, we figured out the I-states. How can this help us learn to manage conflict? First, let’s determine from which state communication will occur most effectively. Of course, this is the “Adult” state. It will help us develop, accept any relationship, prevent or constructively resolve conflict.

Now we will try to learn to identify from the standpoint of what I-state communication occurs. For example, situation 1. The manager asks the subordinate: “Why didn’t you fulfill the plan again this month?” In this matter, the manager from the “Parent” state gives an assessment and expresses dissatisfaction with the subordinate. At the same time, he turns to the “Child” living in the subordinate (this communication is indicated in diagram 1 by a white vector). If the manager asks the subordinate: “What is the reason for the failure to fulfill the plan this month?”, then in this case he communicates based on the state of the “Adult” to the “Adult” of the subordinate (in diagram 1, the vector is indicated by a dotted line). If the phrase sounds: “Well, what am I going to tell the higher management now about the fact that you are not fulfilling the plan?”, then the manager from the position of the “Child” transmits information to the subordinate, referring to his Parental state (in diagram 1, orange vector) .

As soon as we learn to recognize from what state the interlocutor is addressing us, we will gain control over the situation, since we will be able not only to “read between the lines,” but also to control our reaction, and therefore influence what happens.

Transactions(units of communication) are of two types: simple(complementary and intersecting) and complex (hidden)(when a person in form refers to one state, but in essence to another). Let's take a closer look at the simple version of communication.

Main Feature additional transactions is that communication between people will proceed smoothly and indefinitely until they cross paths. This is possible if communication meets the expectations of both parties. At the same time, of course, they are influenced by the I-state in which communication occurs. For example, a manager turns to a subordinate: “Let’s constructively discuss the reasons for your failure to complete your assigned tasks in a timely manner” (“Adult” state). Reaction of the subordinate: “There are a number of objective reasons, and they are as follows...” (reaction from the “Adult” state). Such interaction is aimed at constructive discussion of the problem and does not develop into conflict (Diagram 2).

Intersecting transactions arise when a question from one side is followed by an unexpected reaction. This option is the basis of most conflicts. For example, a person speaks from the position of an “Adult” and expects the same response: “Have you seen where my report is?” If a person answers from the position of an “Adult”, then he can answer: “It is on my table.” However, the interlocutor may flare up: “I’m always to blame for everything!” (Children's version) or “Look for them where you put them!” (Parent version). After this, communication stops, and a positional struggle begins, which lasts until communication returns to a constructive direction. To restore contact, one interlocutor or both in a pair needs to change their I-state.

Technique "Dissonance"

So, let’s look at examples of how you can resolve a possible conflict using the “Dissonance” technique. It consists of two steps. Step 1 we turn from the position to which the interlocutor addresses the question to the position in which he is, and immediately step 2 from the position of the “Adult” we turn to the “Adult” state of the opponent.

Example

Manager: “Until when will the vacancy of chief accountant be open?” (referring to the “Child” state).

Recruiter: “You’re right, I should have closed it two weeks ago...” (step 1 expected reaction, that is, turning to the “Parent” state in response from the imaginary “Child” state) “...let’s analyze those together factors that interfere with filling a vacancy and what we can do in this situation to change it” (step 2, the recruiter moves from the “Child” state to the “Adult” state and turns to the “Adult” state of the manager (Diagram 3).

Example

First employee: “This job can be done in five minutes, maybe you’re not competent enough to do it?” (“Parent” refers to the colleague’s “Child” state).

Second employee: “Yes, the situation is unpleasant” (step 1 from the supposedly “Children’s” state there is a reaction to the “Parental” state of a colleague), “High-quality and professionally performed work requires a certain amount of time for the preparatory stage and its immediate implementation. Consequently, I am focused on high-quality task performance” (step 2, the second employee leaves the “Children’s” state to the “Adult” state and directs his reaction to the “Adult” state of the first employee).

The use of transactional analysis techniques allows you to reduce the number of conflict situations. An HR specialist, based on the situation, can address different states of the conflicting parties, while always having within himself the state of an “Adult”. It is also very important that similar work is carried out by department heads, since a personnel specialist cannot prevent and solve all problems that arise in the team. It is the immediate supervisor who must do this work.

So, we understand that conflict management is a conscious activity. The main thing is not to let the conflict take its course, but it is advisable to prevent it.

* For more information about transactional analysis, see No. 1, 2007.

** “Games HR Play,” No. 1, 2008.

Interactive The side of communication is associated with the interaction of people, with the direct organization of their joint activities, while action is the main content of communication. When describing communication, we most often use words that denote actions. For example: “When solving a problem, we trampled in one place" or "he pressed at me, but I don't gave in."

In our own communication, we react to the action of our partner, and in one case it seems to us that the partner is pushing us to do something, and we are resisting, in the other, that our actions are united, we are “at the same time,” etc. Behind words are actions, and behind the same words there can be different actions. Therefore, when communicating, we ask ourselves the question: “What is the interlocutor doing?”, We answer it and build our behavior based on the answer received. What allows us to understand the meaning of our partner’s actions?

One possible way to understand communication is to perceive the position of the partners, as well as their positions relative to each other. In any conversation or conversation, the status of the partner is of great importance, and not a permanent status, but the status “here and now”, at the moment of communication. It is also important who is the leader in this communication and who is the follower.

Positions in communication are considered in line with transactional analysis. This direction in psychology was developed in the 50s of the 20th century by the American psychologist and psychiatrist Eric Berne (1902-1970). The most popular and practical application was the scheme he developed, in which E. Berne identifies three modes of behavior: Parent, Child, Adult. At any moment, each person can be in the state of either an Adult, a Parent, or a Child, and depending on this state, a conversation is conducted, the position and status of the interlocutor are determined. The main characteristics of the positions Parent, Child, Adult are given in the table*

(* Krizhanskaya Yu.S., Tretyakov V.P. Grammar of communication. - M., 1999. - P. 187).

Each type of condition is important for a person:

Parent knows everything, understands everything, never doubts, demands from everyone and is responsible for everything;

Adult sober, realistically analyzes, does not give in to emotions, thinks logically;

Child emotional, impulsive and illogical.

Communication as an interaction can be viewed from the perspective of its participants’ orientation towards control or understanding.

Focus on control involves the desire of one of the participants in communication to control and manage the situation and behavior of other people, which is accompanied by the desire to dominate in the interaction. “Controllers” talk a lot; their strategy is to force the communication partner to accept their interaction plan and impose their understanding of the situation.

Positions of Parent, Adult and Child

Characteristics	Parent	Adult
1. Characteristic words and expressions	Everyone knows that...; You should never...; You should always...; I don’t understand how they allow this... etc.	How? What? When? Where? Why? Probably; Maybe	I'm angry with you! That's great! Great! Disgusting!
2. Intonation	Accusing, condescending, critical, suppressive	Related to reality	Very emotional
3. Condition	Arrogant, over-correct, very decent	Attentiveness, information search	Clumsy, playful, depressed, depressed
4. Facial expression	Frowning, dissatisfied, worried	Open eyes maximum attention	Depression, surprise
	Hands at hips, pointing finger, arms folded on chest	Lean forward towards the interlocutor, head turns after him	Spontaneous mobility (clench fists, walk, pull a button)

Focus on Understanding involves seeking to understand situations and other people. At the same time, human behavior is based on the idea of ​​equality of partners and is aimed at achieving mutual satisfaction with the course of communication. “Do you understand” are more silent in conversation; They tend to listen, observe, analyze. They try to understand the interlocutor, adapt (adjust) to their communication partner.

Thus, in the process of interaction, people implement plans, goals and solve business problems. During the interaction, the behavior of partners changes, common opinions are developed to achieve the desired result.

Human interaction is very diverse, so scientists are trying to organize the diverse types of interactions. Two types of interaction are most often distinguished: cooperation(from lat. cooperation - cooperation), which involves joint achievement of goals, and competition(from lat. sopsiggo - encounter), which involves creating difficulties and obstacles for opponents in achieving their goals.

Business interaction is organized on the basis of accepted rules and regulations, which are established by legislative acts, service instructions, ethical codes, and are also determined by the principles of business etiquette.

Self-test questions

1. How are “action” and “interaction” related?

2. What is the essence of transactional analysis of the interaction process according to E. Berne?

3. Describe interaction in terms of control and understanding orientation.

4. What forms of interaction are the most common?

5. In your opinion, what type of interpersonal communication is characteristic of a “controller” and what type of “understander” (see section 2.2).

The founder of transactional analysis of communication is Eric Berne.

E. Berne's theory of transactional analysis proceeds from the fact that a transaction is a unit of an act of communication, during which the interlocutors are in one of three “I” states.

In the process of interaction, the following human states can manifest themselves to a greater or lesser extent: the state of “parent”, “adult”, “child”. These three states accompany a person throughout his life.

A mature person skillfully uses different forms of behavior, showing himself flexibly in one state or another depending on his goals and life circumstances.

Test Transactional Analysis by E. Bern (Test child, adult, parent). Role positions in interpersonal relationships according to E. Berne:

Test instructions:

Try to evaluate how these three “I”s combine in your behavior. To do this, rate the given statements on a scale from 0 to 10.

1. Sometimes I lack endurance.

2. If my desires interfere with me, then I know how to suppress them.

3. Parents, as older people, should arrange the family life of their children.

4. I sometimes exaggerate my role in certain events.

5. It’s not easy to trick me.

6. I would like to be a teacher.

7. Sometimes I want to fool around like a little kid.

8. I think that I correctly understand all the events that are happening.

9. Everyone must do his duty.

10. I often act not as I should, but as I want.

11. When making a decision, I try to think through its consequences.

12. The younger generation should learn from the elders how they should live.

13. I, like many people, can be touchy.

14. I manage to see more in people than they say about themselves.

15. Children must unconditionally follow the instructions of their parents.

16. I am a keen person.

17. My main criterion for assessing a person is objectivity.

18. My views are unshakable.

19. It happens that I do not concede in an argument only because I do not want to concede.

20. Rules are justified only as long as they are useful.

21. People must follow all rules regardless of the circumstances.

Key to the Test Transactional Analysis by E. Bern (Test child, adult, parent). Role positions in interpersonal relationships according to E. Berne

I ("child" state): 1, 4, 7, 10, 13, 16, 19.

II (adult state): 2, 5, 8, 11, 14, 17, 20.

III ("parent" state): 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, 21.

Interpretation, processing of the results of the Transactional Analysis Test by E. Bern (Test child, adult, parent). Role positions in interpersonal relationships according to E. Berne.

Calculate the total points by row separately.

E. Berne identifies the following three components of a person’s personality, which determine the nature of communication between people: parent, adult, child.

Parental (Parent – ​​P) state of Self is divided into a caring parental state of the Self, a critical parental state of the Self. The parental Self, consisting of rules of behavior and norms, allows the individual to successfully navigate standard situations, “launches” useful, proven stereotypes of behavior, freeing consciousness from the burden of simple, everyday tasks. In addition, the Parental Self ensures with a high probability of success behavior in situations of lack of time for reflection, analysis, and alternate consideration of the possibilities of behavior.

Adult (Adult – B) state I perceives and processes the logical component of information, makes decisions primarily thoughtfully and without emotions, checking their reality. The Adult Self, unlike the Parental Self, promotes adaptation not in standard, unambiguous situations, but in unique ones that require reflection, giving freedom of choice and, at the same time, the need to understand the consequences and responsible decision-making.

Childhood (Child - D, or Child) state of I follows the life principle of feelings. Behavior in the present is influenced by feelings from childhood. The child's self also performs its own special functions that are not characteristic of the other two components of the personality. It is “responsible” for creativity, originality, relieving tension, receiving pleasant, sometimes “sharp” impressions necessary to a certain extent for normal life. In addition, the Child Self comes into play when a person does not feel strong enough to solve problems on his own: he is not able to overcome difficulties and/or withstand the pressure of another person. This self is divided into: the natural child self (spontaneous reactions such as joy, sadness, etc.), the adapting child self (adjusting, subservient, fearful, guilty, hesitant, etc.), the objecting child self.

Signs of actualization of various ego states

1. Child ego state

Verbal signs: a) exclamations: here you go!, wow!, God!, damn it!; b) words of the egocentric circle: I want, I can’t, but what does it matter to me, I don’t know and I don’t want to know, etc.; c) appeal to others: help me, you don’t love me, you will feel sorry for me; d) self-deprecating expressions: I’m a fool, nothing works out for me, etc.

Appeal You are You and You are You.

: involuntary shivering, fidgeting, shrugging, shaking hands, blushing, rolling eyes, downcast gaze, looking up; pleading, whining intonation, fast and loud voice, angry and stubborn silence, teasing, gloating, excitement, etc.

2. Adult ego state

Verbal signs: the statement expresses an opinion, not a categorical judgment, uses expressions like: thus, probably, relatively, comparatively, appropriately, alternative, in my opinion, as far as possible, let's look at the reasons, etc.

Appeal You are You and You are You.

Behavioral (non-verbal) signs: straight posture (but not frozen); the face is turned to the interlocutor, open, interested: natural gestures in conversation; eye contact at the same level as the partner; the voice is intelligible, clear, calm, even, without excessive emotions.

3. Parent ego state

Verbal signs- words and expressions like: a) must, cannot, never, must, because I said so, don’t ask questions what people will think (say); b) value judgments: stubborn, stupid, insignificant, poor, smart, excellent, capable.

Appeal You - You (I am addressed as YOU, I am addressed as You).

Behavioral (non-verbal) signs: pointing gesture (accusation, threat), raised finger, patting on the back, cheek; authoritarian postures (hands on hips, crossed on chest), looking down (head thrown back), banging on the table, etc.; the tone of voice is mocking, arrogant, accusing, patronizing, sympathetic.

A mature person skillfully uses different forms of behavior, as long as they are appropriate. Self-control and flexibility help him return to an “adult” state in time, which, in fact, distinguishes a mature personality from a youth, even one of advanced age.

Combinations of Ego States

By arranging the corresponding symbols in descending order of weight (depending on the number of points scored), we obtain the formula . For optimal functioning of the personality, from the point of view of E. Bern, it is necessary that all three states of the self are harmoniously represented in the personality.

If you get formula II, I, III, or VDR this means that you have a sense of responsibility, are moderately impulsive and are not prone to edification and teaching.

If you get formula III, I, II, or Russian Far East then you are characterized by categorical judgments and actions, perhaps excessive expression of self-confidence when interacting with people, most often say without a doubt what you think or know, without caring about the consequences of your words and actions.

If the first place in the formula is state I or D-state(“child”), then you may show a penchant for scientific work, although you do not always know how to control your emotions.

Test Transactional Analysis by E. Bern (Test child, adult, parent). Role positions in interpersonal relationships according to E. Berne

4.6875 Rating 4.69 (8 Votes)

A person’s biological age is not as important as his mental state. American psychologist E. Berne identified three I-states in which every person occurs from time to time: Parent, Child or Adult.

The twentieth century gave the world many outstanding people. One of them is the American psychologist and psychiatrist Eric Berne (1910-1970), the creator of transactional analysis. His theory has become a separate popular trend in psychology, incorporating the ideas of psychoanalysis, behaviorism, and cognitive psychology.

E. Berne presented the theory of transactional analysis in a language accessible to readers in several works. Many of them have been translated into Russian and have remained bestsellers for more than half a century. His most famous books are: “Games People Play”, “People Who Play Games”, “Beyond Games and Scripts”.

And in the book “Transactional analysis in psychotherapy. Systemic Individual and Social Psychiatry” contains the entire coherent theory of E. Bern, and not only its main blocks, developed in subsequent publications - analysis of games and scenarios - but also aspects that the author does not set out in his other books.

In a practical sense, transactional analysis is a system for correcting the behavior of individuals, couples and small groups. After familiarizing yourself with the works of E. Bern and adopting his concept, you can independently adjust your behavior so as to improve relationships with the people around you and yourself.

The central concept of the theory is transaction- the act of interaction between two individuals entering into communication, the basis of interpersonal relationships.

It is difficult to literally translate the word “transaction” from English, but in terms of its meaning it is most often interpreted as “interaction”, although transaction– this is not the entire interaction, but only its element, a unit of communication. Human interactions consist of many transactions.

A transaction includes a stimulus and a response. One person says something (stimulus), and the second person responds something (response).

A simple transaction example:

- Can I help you? (stimulus)
- No, thank you, I'll do it myself. (reaction)

If interaction were based only on the “stimulus-response” scheme, there would not be such a variety of human relationships. Why does a person behave differently with different people and reveal himself in a special way in his interactions?

The fact is that when communicating, one individual comes into contact with another person as a person with a person, or more precisely, some part of his personality with a part of the personality of another person.

Self-state theory

E. Berne defined the personality structure as a composition of its three components or parts - I-states(Ego states).

Parent

All the norms, rules, prohibitions, prejudices and morals that a person learned in childhood from parents and other significant adults add up to what is called the “inner voice” or “voice of conscience.” When conscience awakens, the inner Parent awakens.

Most people know what it means to be a parent, to care for, care for and raise a child. In the Parent ego state, a person strives to manage, control, lead. His position in communication is condescending or contemptuous, he is categorical, emotional, uses life experience and wisdom, loves to teach, instruct, and moralize.

E. Berne divided this Self-state into the Helping Parent, who mainly provides support and care, and the Critical Parent, who scolds and blames.

Child

Every person was a child and in adulthood sometimes happens to return to a childish style of behavior. The child behaves naturally, naively, spontaneously, he fools around, enjoys life, adapts and rebels. In the position of a Child, a person often thoughtlessly follows his own desires and needs.

In the relationship between Child and Parent, the Child depends on the Parent, obeys him, shows his weakness, lack of independence, shifts responsibility, is capricious, and so on.

A child “wakes up” in a mature person when he is creative, looks for creative ideas, spontaneously expresses emotions, plays and has fun. The Child's position is a source of spontaneity and sexuality.

The Child’s behavior, posture, facial expressions and gestures are not contrived, but lively and active; they express true feelings and experiences. The Man-Child will easily cry, laugh, lower his head if he feels guilty, pout his lips if he is offended, and so on. His speech is rich and expressive, filled with questions and exclamations.

Adult

The Adult I-state is called upon to regulate and adapt the impulses of the Child and Parent in order to maintain mental balance. This is a state of balance, calm, restraint. When solving a problem, an Adult will consider it from all sides, analyze it, draw conclusions, make a forecast, draw up an action plan and implement it. He communicates not from a position “above” as a Parent or “from below” as a Child, but on an equal basis, as a partner. An adult is confident in himself, speaks calmly, coldly and only to the point. He differs from the Parent in his dispassion, insensibility and emotionlessness.

Each of the three ego states can be defined as a strategy for influencing another person. The child manipulates, taking the position “I want!”, The parent – ​​“I must!”, The adult – combining “I want” and “I must”.

For example, in a married couple where the husband occupies the position of Parent, the wife can consciously manipulate him by taking the position of Child. She knows that she only has to cry for her husband to do everything she wants.

If the I-states of two people complement each other, that is, the transactional stimulus entails an appropriate and natural reaction, communication will go smoothly and last a very long time. Otherwise, misunderstandings, misunderstandings, quarrels, conflicts and other communication problems arise.

For example, Adult-Adult or Parent-Child communication will go smoothly. If the first interlocutor addresses the second from the position of an Adult and expects that he is also an Adult, but receives a Child’s response, difficulties may arise.

For example:

- We're late, we need to hurry up. (Adult to Adult)
- This is all because you are disorganized! (Parent to Child)

There are much more complex and confusing transactions. For example, when communication occurs at the verbal level at the Adult-Adult level, and at the non-verbal level Adult-

Child. If the phrase “I don’t agree with you,” characteristic of an Adult, is pronounced with offense, this is the position of a Child.

Transactional analysis begins with the designation of the I-states of the participants in the interaction. This is necessary in order to determine the nature of relationships and the influence of people on each other.

Each self-state has both a positive and a negative aspect. It’s good when a person knows how to combine all these three positions: to be a cheerful Child, a caring Parent, and a reasonable Adult.

What self-state do you notice in yourself most often?

Until a very late age, a person believes that he is one single person who reacts to everything in the same way, but the fact is that a person carries within himself three main types of response to a situation: he can react to a situation as a child, react as an adult, or as parent. How does this manifest itself in the family? Let's say a husband and wife, they are 30-35 years old. Two adults, but these people are not constant in their reactions.

A person’s feeling of being a child in a family is the understanding that everything is possible or that there is something you really want - give it and everything. A small child who believes that the whole world belongs only to him, and should be understood, allowed to do everything, allowed to indulge, allowed to do some emotionally vibrant things. The child plays with relationships. There is such a hyper-emotional and hyper-energetic person in each of us.

A person reacts like an adult when, for example, he explains something, teaches something, puts something into psychological order for another person.

A person behaves like a parent when he points, demands, states.

When both spouses are in a state "Child", then the relationship turns into a mutual game. "Child" + "Child"- this is a normal relationship during sexual contacts, that is, when both partners perceive sex as a game, and they have a creative union where everything is possible and everything is negotiated.

In terms of sexual relations, if one of the spouses represents himself more in the creative part - "Child", and the second one behaves like "Adult", then some discomfort is possible, because one partner is in a state of instincts and elementary emotions, while the other is trying to explain and sort things out. One says: “Hug me, I want you so much,” and the other replies: “Let’s look at pose No. 9 from the 1988 edition of the Kama Sutra, look, the left leg is here, the left hand is here...”. So it turns out that one wanted to play, and the other arranged a school for him.

If, for example, we consider the relationship "Child" And "Parent", in this case, one partner is playing and is in a state of elementary feelings and simple emotions, and the other behaves like "Parent" in relation to the spouse, that is, he says what must be done categorically. For example, wife- "Child" says: “Come on, let’s hang a curtain here, like this with green stripes and with these wonderful brown dots or yellow dots,” and the husband, being in a state of "Parent", answers her: “No, we’ll hang yellow curtains with red stripes here.” And it turns out that she offers a dialogue, let’s play - choose curtains, a pattern, a color, and he states that “we have yellow wallpaper and we will have yellow curtains hanging, I said.” If we talk about the sexual aspect, there is a lot of sadomasochism in such relationships, and conflicts often arise.

Why do they say that the marriages of young people from 18 to 25 years old are sexually more creative and there are fewer “showdowns” in them? There are other conflicts there, such as who should take out the garbage or who should bring money into the house, or why he doesn’t work, or why she demands a lot. These are children's conflicts; most of them are not rational, but emotional.

Divorce is most common in those couples where one person most often behaves like "Child", and the other behaves like "Adult" or one behaves like "Adult", the other behaves like "Parent". For such couples, everything is very serious, everything is so serious that they cannot achieve creativity and emotional rest, relaxation.

Parts of a person’s personality change throughout the day, that is, an adult can be in a creative state, a state "Child", and is able "Adult", and is able "Parent". And his partner may be "Parent", And "For adults", And "Child".

Question: at a particular moment in time they talk to each other like who? Like two "Child" like two "Adults" like two "Parent"? Or one allows oneself to be "Parent", and the other allows himself to be "As a child" At work, people most often behave like "Adult" or "Parent", at home, all three states can change. "Child" manifests itself in some creative task, for example, correctly arranging a bouquet or changing photographs in frames, any task comes down to a kind of game.

A person learns all these three roles before the age of 22. At first, the person was in the state of a child, when he was taught, he was helped, he was pleased, then he was in the state of an adult, when he explained, showed to classmates or in sports sections, say, showed one of the younger ones what to do. The third is when he, as a parent, states: this is possible, but this is not, this is correct, and this is not.

Women often use their "Child" in communicating with men in order to evoke a protective reaction in them, therefore a woman speaks to a man most often in a child’s voice, tries to use such wonderful childish intonations. Even in prehistoric society, there were rules according to which children were not eaten, even if they stole a piece of meat from the main leader, they were not devoured if they squeaked something in the right tone. When a woman persuades a man, most often for some kind of purchase, she switches to this type of voice, to begging, because it is more difficult for a child to refuse.

Paired with "Parent" + "Parent" dialogue as such does not work, rules and laws are stated there, and they may not coincide, because one spouse has part of the personality "Parent" appeared as a result of the upbringing of his father and mother, and the other "Parent" came from the upbringing of other dads and moms. Each one comes with his own law, and when two laws collide, two more "Adults" can explain the reasons and reach a consensus, two "Child" can play around with this situation, but two "To parents" you need to have a high level of intelligence to stop yourself and listen to your opponent.

(medical emergency center MEDEP)

Journalist
Smirnova A.E.