Telling the reader of his plays about himself - these kinds of mini-autobiographies usually take up the back cover - Juan José

Alonso Millian does it like a humorist. He seems to offer us a portrait of another character who preferred the fun craft of a comedian to the boredom of scientific studies.

We learn that the author of the play that fell into our hands was born in Madrid in 1936 and, having reached his student age, felt an inexplicable attraction to the theater, but “due to poor memory and an excess of self-criticism,” he gave up acting and took up directing. However, he did not stay long in the role of a director staging other people's plays (classics and contemporaries), and one fine day he felt - "like any Spaniard" - the temptation to write a comedy. Not that the trouble, he recalls what he wrote, but that it was staged: the debut of the young comedian was unsuccessful and cost the owner of the Moscow theater "Lara" a round sum. Nevertheless, since then, Alonso Millian writes regularly one or two plays a year. No, not indulging myself with the illusion that he creates for eternity (“I regret almost everything that I have written”), but obviously feeling my vocation in this craft.

The number of plays he wrote - about sixty - is somewhat staggering. Apparently, this creative indefatigability is explained not only by the writer's temperament, but also by another happy circumstance for the author: Alonso Miglian's comedies are accompanied by constant audience success. And his audience is not limited to the borders of Spain: his plays are published in France, Italy, Germany, staged in Europe and America.

It should be added that Alonso Millian writes not only for the theater, but also for film and television, and puts his own plays himself. By all accounts of critics, Alonso Migliana's theater is predominantly entertainment. Some of them believe that the playwright, yielding to the wishes of the public, infringes on his talent. They refer to his "serious" plays: "Civil Status - Martha" (1969), "Secular Games" (1970). (In the first case it is a psychological drama, in the second - a play that poses ethical problems.) One way or another, Alonso Millian prefers to amuse the audience rather than burden them with the eternal problems of humanity. It has already been said about self-esteem above, but a critical attitude towards his works does not prevent the author from feeling tenderness for some of them. Among his favorite playwright are the plays "Potassium cyanide ... with or without milk?"

Dialogue is recognized as the strong point of Alonso Millian's comedies. Often the playwright includes in the speech of characters all sorts of platitudes, linguistic clichés in order to turn them in the future in the most unexpected way. Using this verbal pyrotechnics, combining it with elements of black humor and theater of the absurd, as well as resorting to the methods of the detective genre in the development of intrigue, the comedian keeps the viewer in suspense, every now and then presenting him with "surprises".

Perhaps the readers of the comedy offered here will more than once be taken by surprise by the "jokes" and "surprises" that the author has prepared for them.

Valentina Ginko.

Potassium cyanide ... with or without milk?

Farce in two acts, with a touch of black humor, written Juan Jose Alonso Millian

Translated from Spanish by Lyudmila Sinyavskaya

To help the viewer:

So that the viewer immediately understands who he is dealing with, we suggest brief description actors, which is useful both for those who have a weak memory and for those who love order.

Martha- an amazing young lady. She is twenty-four years old, but you won't give her more than twenty-three, which is not so bad. She is married, and she likes this role, but she loves the role in this play even more.

Enrique- an amazing man. Handsome in anger, brought up and educated like no other, and thin, like a kid's glove. Has an extraordinary dignity - to enchant everyone. To such an extent that everyone wants to immediately take him to their house, once and for all.

Adela- her legs are paralyzed, and only for this reason, for no other reason, she carries out all the action without getting off the comfortable chair on wheels. And despite all this, she is unhappy.

Laura- the daughter of dona Adela, an old maid from birth. She is now forty years old, but many argue that she was never eighteen.

Don Gregorio- is in a state of death throes due to his extremely advanced age. You can even feel good feelings for a person in this position.

Justina- niece. Not a girl, but a candy, moreover mentally retarded. As, however, most of the women whom we all know well: by the age of five, their minds get tired of working.

Liermo- barren, his real name is Guillermo. But people with the best intentions call him this affectionate pet name, since he cannot have children. Married to Justin.

Lady Agatha- does not participate in the action, it is mentioned solely to decorate the program.

Eustakio- the most beautiful man, but inert provincials christened him the Extremadura Satyr.

Doña Socorro- "Ambulance". On duty, this is her occupation. Once on the beach, she overheated in the sun, and since then, if she does not understand something in a conversation, she immediately associates it with the Sixth Commandment.

Doña Veneranda- "Venerable". Inseparable girlfriend of the previous one; in addition, she has a son, and he has already become a real man, since he lived to be thirty-seven years old; according to dona Veneranda, he is her consolation in old age.

Martial- the son of dona Veneranda. Detective by profession and vocation; of course, she lives at the expense of her mother, and she, according to rumors, made a fortune somewhere in Africa in the century before last.

Guests, locals, bourgeois and petitioners, petty deities, sorceresses, gnomes, dancers, singers and one gendarme. And also the Madrid-Irun express, which rushes at speed through the second act.

The comedy takes place in Vadajoz (Extremadura), in the Spanish province located in the west of Spain between 37 ° 56 minutes and 39 ° 27 seconds north latitude of the Madrid meridian.

The action takes place on the evening of All Saints Day, on the eve of Memorial Day.

First act

The action takes place from start to finish in the living room of a provincial house where a middle-class family lives; this room is unusually ugly and depressing. Three doors leading to rooms and one to a balcony are used along the way.

The curtain rises at the moment when the hands of the clock have passed eleven in the night, the harsh Badajoz night. "You can feel the approach of a thunderstorm.

Cold. Dona Adela is sitting in a wheelchair. Laura is on the phone; Dona Veneranda and Dona Socorro are seated at the table with a brazier to keep the feet warm. A little off to the side, on a chair, is Martial, dressed exactly as Sherlock Holmes would have dressed if he happened to spend the night in Vadajoz.

Intermittent, plaintive groans are heard from the room in the back. These are the sounds of grandfather's death throes.

Laura (talking on the phone). Wait, I'll write it down ... (Takes a sheet of paper and a pencil.) So, you pour water, plain, from the tap, and let it boil ... Yes, it boils for a few seconds ... Then you throw the black grains ... Oh, yes ... First you need to grind them, of course ... and cover with something flat. Then you wait eight minutes ... Great ... I think I can ... Then you filter through something that can be filtered ... and pour the black liquid into a clean vessel ... Great ... Yes ... What? .. Wonderful! (Covering the receiver with his hand.) Mother!

Kommersant, March 3, 2003

Murder has a woman's face

Spanish passions in "Satyricon"

On the small stage of the theater "Satyricon" the premiere of the play "Extremadura Killers" based on the play "Cyanide Potassium with Milk or Without" by the Spanish playwright Millian took place. MARINA SHIMADINA, who attended the premiere, regretted that in Russian the word "killer" does not change by gender.

Once the St. Petersburg Small Drama Theater came to Moscow on tour with the play "To Madrid, to Madrid". There, girls dressed in black shouted angrily, depicting Spanish passions, dreamed of poisoning their grandfather and escape from their Extremadura backwaters to the capital. How the matter ended, I did not know then, because I left the middle, wondering who and why now need to stage such crazy plays. It turned out to be necessary, and not only to some theatrical marginals.

The fashionable theater "Satyricon" was also seduced by the comedy by Juan Jose Alonso Millian "Potassium cyanide with or without milk", which in the original title is also shown at the Theater on Malaya Bronnaya. True, the "satyrikonovtsy" did not like potassium cyanide, and the performance was renamed "Extremadura killers" It sounds mysterious and even somehow detective, but unlike the St. Petersburg "To Madrid, to Madrid" - without any cultural and philosophical implications.

According to the plot, a crippled mother, a daughter - an old maid, a girl-fool, a rogue nephew and compassionate neighbors, wandering from christening to a funeral, tasting sausages and festive brushwood, dream of only one thing - that the grandfather, issuing heart-rending screams somewhere behind the scenes , quickly taken to heaven. For a colorful Spanish family, the director spared no cliches: if a young man is a sultry and wobbly temperamental handsome man, if a fool is always lisping, cross-eyed and with an eternally open mouth, curious neighbors - certainly with an unhealthy gleam in their eyes, unhealthy backsides and magpie chatter. But the most interesting thing about this play is that all of its characters are not what they seemed at first. The old maid and the Puritan Laura, ready to incinerate her brother's bride with contempt for her painted lips, is ready to poison her without the slightest remorse for money and run away from home with an Extremadurian satyr, a local sex maniac. He, in turn, turns out to be an exemplary family man and a father of five children and climbs to the girls in the windows by prior order so that their mothers have someone to blame for the sin that happened to their daughter. Loving brother and caring lover Enrique, as it turns out, stole someone else's wife because of her husband's money, whose dismembered body he carries with him in two suitcases. But the grandfather, who will run away from his deathbed, taking with him his young mistress and all the family fortune, will be the most distinguished.

Theater "Satyricon", which last season released two blockbuster performances claiming the "Golden Mask" - "Signor Todero is the owner" by Robert Sturua and "Macbeth" by Yuri Butusov, and is now preparing for the premiere of "Profitable Place" directed by Konstantin himself Raikin, and with a stellar cast, can afford the "Extremadura Assassins". It makes little sense, but the material for the actor's imagination is above the roof. Therefore, the director of the play Igor Voitulevich, who had already worked in the Satyricon on the historical drama The Lion in Winter, was not required to invent any director's concepts or original interpretations of Milyan's plot. It was enough to separate the actors according to mise-en-scènes, to invent a weirder for each mug and let them go with God to the scope of their own imagination - let them frolic as much as they can.

After all, where else is a good actress Marina Ivanova, who plays either noble queens or gentle mothers, will be able to fool around like that, make faces and jump like a goat, portraying a mentally retarded, and a natural-born clown Agrippina Steklova - to bend over and play with French pronons. Another time the critic, or even the director himself, would have killed on the spot for such a game. And in "Extremadura killers" everything is possible - for these monsters and moral monsters no paint will be too thick. Here are the actresses and come off for fun. And then you realize that this time the Moscow public was presented not so much with the comedy of Juan Jose Alonso Millian, but with the artists Steklova, Ivanova, Kekeev, Kuzmina and Danilova. Numerous female roles in this play are one more colorful than the other, and they ask for a benefit performance. And the mostly courageous theater, on the stage of which the brutal Konstantin Raikin, Grigory Siyatvinda and Denis Sukhanov shine, did not miss the opportunity to demonstrate that there are actresses in the Satyrikon troupe, sharp-willed, eccentric and stopping at nothing. Especially before the murder.

Newspaper, March 7, 2003

Olga Romantsova

Extremadura dolls

Premiere at "Satyricon"

The black comedy of the Spanish playwright Juan José Alonso Miglian "Potassium cyanide with or without milk ..." attracts directors like a magnet. She constantly goes to the entreprise, and for the second time in recent years she appears on the Moscow stage. Not wanting to compete with the theater on Malaya Bronnaya, where the comedy goes under the original name, the Satyricon dubbed it “Extremadura killers”. The play was staged on the Small Stage by director Igor Voitulevich, specially invited from Smolensk (several years ago he was released on Small stage the play "Lion in winter").

In Spain, the people of Extremadura, a small region located in the basin of the Guadiana and Tajo rivers, are said to have a wild imagination. They still believe in the most incredible stories, are ready to come up with anything, and do not separate fantasy from reality. It is not surprising that Millán made the Extremadurians the heroes of his black comedy "Potassium cyanide with or without milk ...". Only knowing about the peculiarities of the character of the inhabitants of the region, one can believe that two respectable ladies: Signora Adela and her forty-year-old daughter Laura, decided to get rid of old Don Gregorio who was lying dying (he is Adela's father and Laura's grandfather), adding potassium cyanide to his coffee ... And then, getting a taste, they wanted to poison Martha (the bride of Enrique, Adela's nephew), who accidentally drove into their house. But carefully thought out plans collapse, and the old man who miraculously escaped escapes, taking all the family fortune.

Incredible events are pouring in one after another like a cornucopia. Retelling their sequence is as thankless as telling the plot of some detective story.

In most Moscow theaters, performances are staged on the main stage for a wide range of spectators. And the small stages have become a space for experimentation. New theatrical ideas are embodied here: plays by modern playwrights are played, young directors and actors are given the opportunity to try their hand. Going to the premiere of "Satyricon", it is impossible to guess what performance awaits you: experimental and traditional performances are performed in two spaces. On the main stage is "Jacques and His Master", "Double Bass", "Macbeth", on the Small - "Gedda Gubler". The repertoire of two scenes includes performances intended for spectators who have gone to the theater just to relax and have fun.

Having staged the play on the Small Stage, Voitulevich did not invent "new forms". The director used techniques that had long been tested by directors of uncomplicated comedies. Marta (Agrippina Steklova) bursts, a young girl Justina (Marina Ivanona) squints her eyes, makes faces and diligently portrays the mentally retarded, one of Dona Adela's friends, Dona Veneranda (Galina Danilova) bent sciatica in half, and a man plays Dona Adela in general (Sergey Dorogov ). To force the son of Martial (Dmitry Lyamochkin), who portrays a detective, to tell about her plans, the mother pounds him on the back with her fists. One trick is replaced by another. The action is developing at such a rapid pace that the actors have no time to "play out". At times it seems that the director trained them in stopwatch rehearsals like sprinters.

Trying to be in time no matter what, the performers sometimes simply do not have time to fully articulate their lines. It is as useless to demand from them the authenticity and sincere living of every moment as it is from a ballerina constantly twirling a fouetté or from a gymnast doing one somersault after another. Sometimes the rhythm becomes slower and then the humor of the lines comes through, and it becomes noticeable that good actors are playing on the stage. But this rarely happens. Therefore, the moment of appearance on the stage remains the most interesting for each performer. An actor or actress comes out and says in an ordinary voice: "I am an actor such and such, I will play such and such a character." After which he instantly turns from a normal person into some kind of strange doll, bustlingly performing a sequence of movements invented by the director.

Evening Moscow, March 11, 2003

Olga Fuchs

Instead of a commemoration - marriage

Extremadura (translated: edge, border) is such a Spanish Tmutarakan, known for its fearless knights-conquistadors and delicious sausages. In Extremadura, not fully combed by civilization, the ruins of the amphitheatres of the Roman Empire and wild provincial customs have been preserved. At least, judging by the black comedy by Juan Jose Alons Millian "Potassium cyanide with or without milk ...", which was renamed "Extremadura killers" in "Satyricon".

For the third month in a row, grandfather (Mikhail Vavdyshev) is moaning heart-rendingly behind the wall. For the third month, a paralyzed old woman - grandfather's daughter (Sergei Dorogov), an old maid-granddaughter (Elvira Kekeyeva) and a squint-eyed, burly niece-fool (Marina Ivanova) cannot bury this ninety-year-old monster and use the inheritance. And the sharp-nosed, big-eyed gossip-neighbors (Marina Kuzmina, Galina Danilova) - accordingly, enjoy the funeral treat and the opportunity to wash the bones of the orphaned family at the commemoration.

But when the determination of the households finally matures and the cyanide potassium intended in the coffee for the ill-fated grandpa has already been bought, their plans collapse under the pressure of uninvited guests and incredible circumstances, the kaleidoscope of which constitutes the comic plot. As a result, the nimble grandfather escapes from his deathbed to the young bride, taking over the entire family fortune. And the burly fool brews coffee for everyone, mistakenly sweetening it with cyanide instead of sugar.

“Six corpses in the finale is a bad taste,” joked Robert Sturua, staging “Hamlet” in the Satyricon. In this sense, the "murderers" just fell short of "Hamlet": as a result, there are only five corpses. But the "bad taste" that pours on us everywhere from Mexican love series, Russian black-eyed action films, American "cool" action games, scandalous revelations of stars and all sorts of "pulp fiction", brought to a degree of boiling, is becoming a style here. The rumblings of "Parisian" grazing from Agrippina Steklova, the tininess of a sultry macho from Yakov Lomkin, or the frightening passion that sultry old maids of Spain are capable of from Elvira Kekeva - all this is played with such a fierce return, as if we are in front of motoequilibrists, for whom the decline is frenzied speed is literally like death. But ... "Satyricon" has long taught its fans to a different level of theater - non-linear, multi-layered. To the fact that through the harshest farce suddenly appears the most tender lyrics, and the most catchy, eccentric presentation carries a philosophical content. Against the background of performances recent years"Extremadura Killers" looks like a silly sideshow, a vigorous warm-up before the main premiere of this season. Literally the other day, Konstantin Raikin is releasing Ostrovsky's "Profitable Place" - the first appeal in the history of this troupe to Russian classics, which the artistic director of "Satyricon" considers the most serious test for himself and the theater.

Izvestia, March 25, 2003

Alexey Filippov

No survivors

A good play died among others

It was written by the Spaniard Juan José Alonso Millán - in the original the play is called "Potassium cyanide with or without milk", and the theater "Satyricon" renamed it "Extremadura assassins". Lovers of black humor should like the test - Milyan describes with great relish the murders of mothers-in-law, nephews, grave-digging and the dismemberment of good friends.

A semi-paralyzed mother and an overripe daughter cannot wait for grandfather to die - he is sick, old, tired of everyone, and besides, he wants to marry a young one. Another sister lives in the house - a young but maddened one. She has a husband: his relatives will not let him near his wife's body, and he does what he can - he digs up graves, cuts the necks of the corpses, separates the skin from the skull, dries it, sticks the shrinking heads to ashtrays, writes on them "Greetings from Extremadura!" - and sells to tourists. (Foolish tourists think the heads are fake.)

The mistress's nephew, the metropolitan doctor, with his girlfriend comes to this sweet home. Kind relatives decide to bring cyanide potassium not only to grandfather, but also to dear guests - they have a lot of stolen money with them. But everything turns out differently: a grandfather pretending to be half-corpse runs away with money, a friend's husband packaged in plastic bags is found in his nephew's suitcase, and finally a crazy girl treats her blood relatives with cyanide. This is the plot - and if the director Igor Voitulevich had carefully transferred it to the stage, the result could have been stunning.

It is better to tell jokes, restraining a giggle, black humor requires absolute seriousness - staging fuss is contraindicated in the text of Juan Jose Alonso Miglian. There is too much of it here: Igor Voitulevich decided to stage a comedy-buff and turned the heroes of the play into clowns - he made the excellent young actress Agrippina Steklova (Marta, a nephew's friend) distort the language, and he treated other artists even better. And on the Small Stage of the Satyricon Theater, strange creatures in bright makeup and fancy wigs bustled about - not a word in simplicity, tortured intonations, bizarre plastic, catchy, pop manner of playing. The director tries his best to convince the audience that the action takes place in a freak show - such an unnatural Extremadura and such tortured families in real life can not be. The theater tells an anecdote from the life of madmen living on another planet, which stretches over two acts, and very soon it becomes boring.

Meanwhile, everything could have turned out differently. If the pathological killer Enrique (Yakov Lomkin) looked like a well-behaved young man, the ominous aunt Adela (played very funny by the artist Dorogov) gave the impression of a sweet old lady, and the grave digger Liermo (Andrei Ohanyan) did his job with sparkle and working enthusiasm, the performance would be hilariously funny. Skeletons long forgotten in them would fall out of the cabinets, lovely people would turn into monsters - and it would all seem like a complete surprise. But this did not happen, and the performance, with all the abundance of gags, tricks and comic numbers, is surprisingly monotonous. "Extremadura killers" do their job with particular cruelty - they kill not only relatives, but also laughter.

Juan Jose Alonso Millán. Potassium cyanide ... with or without milk?

—————————————————————

The secret of success
Telling the reader of your plays about yourself is of this kind
mini autobiographies usually cover the back cover - Juan José
Alonso Millian does it like a humorist. He seems to offer us
portrait of another character who preferred the boredom of scientific studies cheerful
the craft of the comedian.
We learn that the author of the play that fell into our hands was born in Madrid in
1936 and, upon reaching student age, felt an inexplicable
craving for the theater, but "because of poor memory and an excess of self-criticism" refused
from an acting career and took up directing. However, as a director,
staging other people's plays (classics and contemporaries), he did not stay long, and in
one fine day felt - "like any Spaniard" - the temptation
write a comedy. That’s not the problem, he recalls what he wrote, but that
it was staged: the debut of the young comedian was unsuccessful and
cost the owner of the capital's theater "Lara" a round sum. However, with
Since then, Alonso Millian writes regularly one or two plays a year. Not no
indulging myself with the illusion that it creates for eternity (“I repent of almost everything,
what he wrote ”), but obviously feeling his vocation in this craft.
The number of plays he wrote - about sixty - is somewhat staggering.
Apparently, this creative indefatigability is explained not only
writing temperament, but also other happy for the author
circumstance: the comedies of Alonso Miglian are accompanied by a constant audience
success. And his audience is not limited to the borders of Spain: his plays are published
in France, Italy, Germany, staged in Europe and America.
It should be added that Alonso Millian writes not only for the theater, but
also for film and television, and puts his own plays himself.
According to the general opinion of critics, the theater of Alonso Migliana is predominantly
entertaining. Some of them believe that the playwright, yielding to desires
public, infringes on his talent. They refer to his "serious"
plays: "Civil Status - Martha" (1969), "Secular Games" (1970). (IN
in the first case, it is a psychological drama, in the second, a play staging
ethical issues.) One way or another, Alonso Millian prefers to laugh
viewers, rather than burden them with the eternal problems of humanity. About self-esteem
it has already been said above, but a critical attitude to their works is not
prevents the author from having fondness for some of them. Favorite
the playwright attributes the plays "Potassium cyanide ... with or without milk?"
"Marital Sins", "Carmelo", "Secular Games".
Dialogue is recognized as the strong point of Alonso Millian's comedies. Often playwright
includes in the speech of the characters all sorts of platitudes, language clichés with that,
to rotate them in the future in the most unexpected way. Using this
verbal pyrotechnics, combining it with elements of black humor and theater
absurdity, as well as resorting to the techniques of the detective genre in the development of intrigue,
the comedian keeps the viewer in suspense, every now and then presenting him
“Surprises”.
Perhaps the readers of the comedy proposed here will more than once
taken by surprise by the "jokes" and "surprises" that he has prepared for them
author.
Valentina Ginko.

Potassium cyanide ... with or without milk?

Farce in two acts, with a touch of black humor, written
Juan Jose Alonso Millian
Translated from Spanish by Lyudmila Sinyavskaya
To help the viewer:
So that the viewer immediately understands with whom he is dealing, we offer a short
characterization of the characters, which is useful for those who have a weak memory, and
those who love order.
Martha is an amazing young lady. She is twenty four years old, but more
you won't give her twenty-three, which is not so bad. She is married and she has such a role
she likes it, but even more she likes the role in this play.
Enrike is an amazing man. Handsome in anger, raised and
educated like no other, and thin like a kid's glove. Possesses
extraordinary dignity - to enchant everyone in a row. To the point that
everyone wants to immediately take him to their house, once and for all.
Adela, her legs are paralyzed, and only for this reason, not for
which other, she carries out all the action, without getting off the comfortable chair on
wheels. And despite all this, she is unhappy.
Laur is the daughter of dona Adela, a spinster since birth. Now she
forty years old, but many argue that she was never eighteen. Don
Gregorio - is in a state of death agony due to extremely
old age. To a person in this position, you can even feel
good feelings.
Justina is a niece. Not a girl, but a candy, besides mentally
backward. As, however, most of the women whom we all know well: to
for five years their mind gets tired of working.
Liermo is barren, his real name is Guillermo. But the people with the kindest
intentions call him this affectionate diminutive, since he is not
can have children. Married to Justin.
Lady Agatha - not involved in the action, mentioned exclusively for
decoration of the program.
Eustakio is the most beautiful man, but the inert provincials christened
his Extremadura Satyr.
Doña Socorro - Ambulance. On duty, this is her occupation.
Once on the beach, she overheated in the sun, and since then, if in conversation
does not understand something, immediately connects it with the Sixth Commandment.
Dona Veneranda - “The Venerable”. Inseparable girlfriend of the previous one; except
Moreover, she has a son, and he has already become a real man, since he lived to
thirty-seven years old; according to dona Veneranda, he is her consolation in old age.
Martial is the son of dona Veneranda. Detective by profession and vocation; itself
herself, lives at the expense of her mother, and she, according to rumors, made
-century somewhere in Africa state.
Guests, locals, bourgeois and petitioners, petty deities, sorceresses,
gnomes, dancers, singers and one gendarme. And also the express "Madrid-Irun",.
which rushes at speed through the second act.
The comedy takes place in Vadajoz (Extremadura), in the Spanish
province located in western Spain between 37 ° 56 minutes and 390 27
seconds north latitude of the Madrid meridian.
The action takes place on the evening of All Saints Day, on the eve of the Day
commemoration.

First act

The action takes place from beginning to end in the living room of a provincial house,
where the middle class family lives; this room
unusually ugly and depressing. Three doors leading to rooms, and one on
balcony, used along the way.
The curtain rises at the moment when the hands of the clock have passed over
eleven in the night, a harsh Badajoz night. 'A thunderstorm is approaching.
Cold. Dona Adela is sitting in a wheelchair. Laura speaks
telephone; at the table with a brazier to keep the feet warm are dona Veneranda and
dona Socorro. A little off to the side, on a chair, - Martial, dressed exactly,
how Sherlock Holmes would dress if he happened to spend the night in Vadajoz.
Intermittent, plaintive groans are heard from the room in the back. These are the sounds
grandfather's death throes.
Laura (on the phone). Wait, I'll write it down ... (Takes a sheet
paper and a pencil.) So, you pour water, plain, from the tap, and give
it boils ... Yes, it boils for a few seconds ... Then you throw the black grains ...
Oh, yes ... first you need to grind them, of course ... and cover with something
flat. Then you wait eight minutes ... Great ... I think - I can ... Then
filter through something that can be filtered ... and pour
black liquid into a clean vessel ... Great ... Yes ... What? .. Wonderful!
(Covering the receiver with his hand.) Mom!
A case a. What, baby?
Laura. You can have it with bread! Awesome, right?
Adela. This coffee is a devilish invention.
Laura (into the phone). I see ... Thank you so much ... The same ... And you -
the same ... Goodbye, Amelia. (Hangs up the phone) Finally, Mom.
I finally figured out how to make coffee!
Veneranda. Black or with milk?
Adela. For God's sake, dona Veneranda, you want too much! Sure
same; black, the easiest way to cook it. But Laura will practice th, I'm sure
One Perfect Day will be able to cook with milk if need be.
Socorro. Your daughter has a culinary talent.
Talent, and nothing more.
Laura. Mom, I made up my mind! There won't be a misfire tonight.
Adela. Let's hope my daughter. This is not life!
Socorro. Ah, are you preparing something for Don Gregorio?
Adela. Yes, dona Socorro ... Very good remedy... What to him
we need ... and we too.
Laura. He turns ninety-two next month ... Too much, you
It does not seem?
Veneranda. How! It's just indecent. You have to know when to stop!
Socorro. What are you going to give him? Some German
the cure ... isn't it? Listen to me: Germans are great in medicine
docks ... Do not believe me - ask Veneranda.
Veneranda. Agree. And on the part of radio and all kinds of mechanics - just
no words. And then they are so blond, so tall ...
Adela. Have you heard of potassium cyanide?
Veneranda. No, dona Adela, I haven't. We travel a little ... Of all
medicines and other dirty tricks, a thermometer helps us best. It's true,
Socorro?
Socorro. True truth. But we had to give up the thermometer,
because of it ulcers.
Veneranda. And he came to me at the right time.
Adela. Thermometer?
Vaneranda. Well, yes, we're talking about him. We took it as
strengthening. Especially for the appetite! And in the summer it is so cold!
Socorro. The only bad thing is that he lowers my blood pressure. But nothing. Maybe,
potassium cyanide does not lower blood pressure.
Laura. This tool is reliable. And it acts instantly. Last thing
achievement of science.
Veneranda (laughs). Do you hear Socorro? Well well…
S about k about r about. Yeah ... Who's expecting the baby?
Veneranda. Where did you get it, dear? What a habit ...
Socorro. I misheard, probably.
Veneranda. Excuse her. We go to the guests all evening tonight, you -
fourth, here's the poor thing and got completely confused. You know how she has
habit: she misunderstood a little something in a conversation, immediately suspects, Sixth
commandment. And it almost always hits the spot. Adela. I take care of everything ...
And this is so hard ... Understand ... Grandpa has been dying for almost three months ...
and ... and ... (Cries.)
Veneranda. Well, it will, it will be, dona Adela ...
Socorro. Do not be so sad, dear ... Tomorrow is Memorial Day. Not
we must lose hope.
Veneranda. Well, of course ... maybe suddenly and ... Who knows?
Adela. You want to comfort me. But I know that he still has enough
forces.
Laura. You are optimists. We also thought so a week ago ... but the time
goes ... Everything - as before ... Listen ... There is all hope
you will lose.
Everyone becomes silent, grandfather's dying groans are clearly audible.
Socorro. Moans like a fold, poor girl
Veneranda. And loud. You can't listen to commercials and the radio.
Laura. Senora, we never kept a radio in our house.
Adela. And then in the morning they will listen to the radio, and in the evening, you see, and in the cinema
will run. And life is not entertainment at all, as some people think ...
Marcial, asleep in a chair, begins to snore.
Do not misunderstand me…
Martial snores louder.
We suffer so much! .. I have no strength ... Night and day ... we follow him like
merciful sisters ...
Dona Adela takes the whistle that hangs around her neck, and quite
whistles shrilly. Martial immediately stops snoring. She is like nothing
never blows the whistle.
I never thought that my grandfather had such health ... Usually people survive
to a certain age and die ... Isn't that so?
Veneranda. In any case, in our time it used to be like this, people behaved
more decent.
Laura. But that's all, tonight is the last.
A terrible clap of thunder. Pause. Everyone sighs as if on command.
Socorro. Yes, you, dona Adela, are just a saint ... saint, and nothing more!
Veneranda. Exactly ... By the way - about the saints. In my opinion, it is appropriate
read Our Father.
Socorro. How to say ... For so long the Lord God has been calling don
Gregorio, and you are dona Adela, such a solid nature ... Exactly - such
"One-piece".
Adela. "Whole" ... "Whole" ... If it were not the case, maybe there was
would be whole ... but legs ... No, I have will, I have always had enough will!
How much suffering in life! If you don't believe me, ask my daughter. Laura,
daughter ... How much suffering in life, right?
Laura. Why are you talking to me about suffering? Just because
that I'm not cute, because I never had a fiancé and I was born in
Extremadura?
Veneranda. Like the famous conquistador Pizarro.
Laura. He's a man ... And I'm the opposite. But my hour will come too. All life
dragged out a miserable existence, like a slave ... First - a father ...
Adela. Don't remember your father, Laura, we have guests.
Laura. Then you, mom ... Even cleaner ... And then - grandfather ... And this
damn house.
Socorro. Why damned? .. And on the outside so cheerful and cozy.
Laura. That's the trouble ... That he's funny ... Too funny. It would be better
nothing reminded us that we were real people ... But that's all, this is the end.
Adela. What a character you have, baby! Sometimes I ask myself: was there
Are you ever eighteen years old?
Socorro. Eighteen, dona Adela? Is it possible to? And are they all alive?
Laura. You have bothered me with your nonsense, dona Socorro! Do not know how to
behave when visiting guests - stay at home at least!
Veneranda (laughing). Forgive her ... She is like a child ... Nothing bad
thought.
Laura. Shh! Quiet! It is forbidden to laugh in this house. This is not a circus for you! BUT
if you want to laugh, do something forbidden, smoke hashish ...
the street! Where it is allowed.
Marcial starts snoring again.
Adela. Daughter, don't worry, please.
Laura. Leave it, Mom. If you do not stop laughing and joking in time, then you will not
you will have time
look back as the house turns into a lecture hall or something like that.
Martial snores.
And without that, everything around is rotten, so ...
Dona Adela takes the whistle again, Martial is very slow
rises, stretches.
It's all right, isn't it? You decided that this was not a house, but a lecture hall: only
talk, you fall asleep right away.
Veneranda. Such a nice boy! .. Did you sleep, son? Well come on kiss
mom. (Comes up and kisses him.) But the pipe, sonny, the pipe: always in your mouth.
Marcial takes a pipe from his pocket and clamps it between his teeth.
Like this ... Fine, Martial. Show dona Adela the magnifying glass that I
I bought it for you.
Martial shakes his head.
Why not?
Socorro. Shy.
Martial sits down again and falls asleep.
Veneranda. We bought him a wonderful magnifying glass - let him examine the traces of
fingers of their own kind. And a set of master keys. Isn't that right, Martial? Martial!
Martial! Oh my God! Dona Adela, do me a favor ...
Dona Adela whistles. Martial rises to his feet.
MARSIAL (pacing the room, counting steps). As clear as day ...
Twenty-six steps by eight ...
crime.
Thunder Strike.
Veneranda (claps her hands). Bravo, Martial! Very well! Have seen
Socorro? Have you seen what it is? Martial, pipe!
Adela. Why did you say that ... about the murder?
Martial. I can smell ... I have a unique nose for this. Nothing from me
will hide. It smells like crime here.
Veneranda. Very good, Martial! A tube! Well, show us a magnifying glass.
Adela. It smells from the brazier, I burn.

Laura. Never mind. Says God knows what. He only knows -
sleep.
Martial. I am not sleeping, I think. My brain is awake.
L a u r a. But what about the Extremadura Satyr? He laughs at you, laughs
over the police and over the entire district. Have you read the newspapers, Martial? Yesterday he again
went out hunting.
Veneranda. Can not be! Horrible!
Adela. This monster deprived all single women of the quiet life ... Who
did he become his victim this time?
Martial. Ilaria, daughter of Felipe, from a bookbinder on the street
Health.
Socorro. This little one with freckles? How sorry I am for him!
Veneranda. You mean you feel sorry for her ...
Socorro. No, sorry for poor Satyr. You have to be an idiot ...
Laura. I suppose the poor thing will now throw herself into the arms of the monastery
monastery.
Martial. So far, she has thrown herself into the arms of the groom. He says that he
don't care what happened. Nice guy, they get married in a month.
Laura. Outrageous! And at this time you sleep and visit with mommy
walking around.
Martial. I already told you: this house smells of death,
a crime ... And I have devoted enough time to Satir. Now I have
magnifying glass, there is a pipe and master keys. But the main thing is the head. Satyr will be in my
hands tonight, you will see what Martial is capable of.
Veneranda. So, son! Great answer!
Laura. I don’t laugh just because, I’m afraid, they will think: grandfather is dead.
It's disgusting to listen to you! You dumbass! Extremadura Satyr - a real man, not
what you or even me!
Martial. If this guy doesn't get caught tonight, I'll change my profession.
Veneranda. Sonny pipe! A tube! So ... The eye pleases. To what
this form suits him!
Martial. Okay Mom. I think we should go. I need to complete some
Affairs. Veneranda. Come on, son, let's go.
(Rises.) Come on, Socorro. Okay ... Thanks a lot for dinner.
Pretty lean! Well, of course, there’s no time for dinner at times like this. Truth,
Socorro?
Socorro. Of course, and we did not come here for the cutlets.
Thunder Strike.
Laura (goes to the balcony). Finally a thunderstorm. How she missed her. And I
had a premonition. The whole evening my back did not hurt: when my back does not hurt -
means to be a thunderstorm. A thunderstorm always brings sacrifice, destruction, misfortune.
Thunder and lightning.
Don't you like thunderstorms?
Socorro. We are simple, urban people.
Veneranda. Do not plow any!
Socorro. Fu, what disgusting! I once saw a plowman, not at all
liked it. So uncouth! I drank water from an earthen jug endlessly,
no education! Not like an engineer.
Adela. Just think - all night on my feet!
Veneranda. So you get up on your feet at night?
Adela. No, that's what they say, dona Veneranda. I'm over twenty
I haven’t gotten out of this chair for years, but sometimes you will forget - and say so.
Veneranda. Why don't you go to Our Lady of Lourdeka?
Socorro. Really. I know for sure: it is good for your health.
Adela. Laura, daughter, won't let you in.
Laura. When grandfather dies, we’ll go wherever you want. Let's become
travel, mom, if you like it. She desperately wants to go to the USSR.
Martial. It's already half past eleven. And the rain begins.
Veneranda. Yes, you're right, son. I wish Don Gregorio to get better.
Laura. How do you like to do in spite!
Socorro. What? Is anyone sick?
Laura. And you, dear senora ... a complete fool!
Socorro. When I visit, my head is always spinning. And today besides
are out of schedule, there are three more houses left: in one - the patient after
prostate surgery, I beg your pardon, in another - a vigil with a deceased; very
a decent house, there, perhaps, will be more fun.
Veneranda. House of Esteveses, the owner was a lawyer.
Socorro. But he didn’t die because of this, he hadn’t practiced for a long time.
Veneranda. Wonderful people. And when grandmother was alive, they even had
biscuits with rum were served.
Martial. So, Laura ... Humility, and again humility ... Dona Adela,
I wish you good health so that you have something to take care of.
Laura. Thank you, Martial ...
Martial. And yet I can smell: this house smells of murder.
Veneranda. Okay, sonny, okay ... Let's go to another house and sleep there
Little. But zip up properly - you'll catch a cold.
Socorro. Goodbye Laura ... Goodbye Dona Adela ... Don't
get up, we know the way.
Veneranda. Yes, yes, don't get up, your daughter will show us.
Adela. And how I would like to get up ... But for twenty years I say goodbye to
guests without getting up from the chair.
Veneranda. That's wonderful. Goodbye.
Thunder clap again.
Laura. There will be a great storm tonight.
Everyone comes out except for Dona Adela. She listens to her grandfather's moans.
Laura returns.
Laura. I thought they would never leave. This ridiculous Martial ...
Adela. Yes, daughter ... However, we may need them ... Go
look at grandpa ...
Laura enters Don Gregorio's room. Then he exits.
Laura. Nothing! .. Everything is the same ... You look at his face, and it seems -
departs ... but - nothing of the kind! .. Apparently, he planned to bury us
everyone ... Mom! If you hesitate, I will do it myself.
Adela. No baby. Tonight, in coffee ... (Pause.) '. Something Justina
got stuck ... It's a great idea to ask dona Matea for a little cyanide
potassium. She has this stuff in bulk in her cellar.
Laura. Surely ... Sometimes fear takes me, as I think, what would you
could have done if you were on your feet.
Adela. You flatter me ... And why is it worse? How do you think you are capable
make coffee today?
Laura. I think I can, Mom ... I think - yes ... Recipe at all
simple ... Of course, coffee and milk for breakfast, I probably would not be able to
cook ... But with potassium cyanide ...
The doorbell rings.
Adela. Must be a poison girl. Go, daughter, open it.
Laura. I'm coming, mom. This very minute. (Goes to the depth of the stage.)
Returns with Justina. She was soaked all over in the rain.
Justin. Good evening, dear auntie, (Kisses dona Adela.
Speaks like a five-year-old.)
Adela. You are all soaked ... To the skin.
Justin. A little bit ... Brr! .. What a rain! (Laughs.) It pours like ... Creepy
funny!
Laura (slaps her). Stop laughing. How many times should I tell you?
Stupid!
Justin. Oh, auntie! How she slapped me! I’ll go deaf with you.
Laura. It is good to. Now there is nothing worthwhile for your age
hear, And you deserve the best.
Adela. Did you bring everything that you ordered?
Justin. That's all ... And there are fifteen pesetas left, I took them in
library collection of works of Franz Kafka, very funny writes. US,
mentally retarded, in the library give a discount.
Adela. Well, then ... What should you ask dona Matea?
Justin. What? I do not remember…
Laura. Don't act like a fool ... Potassium cyanide!
Justin. Oh, auntie! As she puts it! Devils will devour her in hell!
Adela. Don't shout at the girl. Come here, honey! Such a white powder
should have been given by a pretty senora who always brings you nuts in
sugar ...
Justin. A! Rat poison ... Here it is. (Holds out a small
bag.)
Laura. Who told you it was rat poison?
Justin. She, dona Matea ... And I told her that no ... that this poison
- for grandfather ...
Laura (slaps her in the face). Here's to you, you are our grief! Brainless fool!
Justin. Again! What a day!
Adela. Come here, beauty. This powder is rat poison.
Remember, remember the nasty rat from the fairy tale? Do you remember?
X u s t and n and. I do not remember. And I don't remember the fairy tale, I remember only the scary ones
stories by Alan Poe.
Adela. Poor thing! This is completely different ... You know: rats breed,
they multiply like the Chinese ... And they have to be poisoned ... Do you understand?
X u s t and n and. Yes! Understand! And this one - to poison grandfather ...
Grandpa! Grandpa! Since Aunt Laura hits me, I'll tell everyone about it, everyone ...
Here!
Laura (holding scissors). You need to cut your tongue for a long time. But we
weak-willed, so you are using ... Give the language here!
Justin. Don't, aunt ... Don't. I will not tell anyone! Promise!
Laura. The language is alive!
Adela. Not here, baby ... You get it all dirty ... Cut it in the bathroom
room.
The doorbell rings.
Laura. What?
They ring persistently.
Justin. Forgive me, aunt ... I will never again.
Adela. Who dares to call like that?
Laura. I'll open. And you, Justina ... Look at me! (Shows her
scissors.) One day your tongue will be shortened. (Exits.)
Justin. Auntie, has Aunt Laura forgiven me?
Adela. Yes, Justina, forgiven ... Laura is a saint here.
(Enter Marta and Enrique. Martha has a small suitcase in her hands, Enrique
carries a large suitcase and a hatbox.
Enrique. I'm sure you didn't expect ...
Adela. Enrique! What does it mean?
Enrique. Let me hug you, auntie ... You are amazing, the years go by,
but not for you.
Adela. You are in our house and with a woman wearing makeup!
Martha. Good evening. If you like the color of my lipstick, I'll tell you where
I bought it ...
Laura. Enrique ... We are waiting for an explanation. Could have warned by letter or
by telegram ...
Enrique. Where is the joy of an unexpected meeting? .. For more than six years I have not been
in this house ... How is it, Martha? Does it sound like what I told you?
Martha. It feels like I know this house ... Enrique I have so much
talked about your house ...
Laura. Enrique, who is this woman?
Martha. Yes, a little uncomfortable ...
Adela. You know: Badajoz is not a metropolitan Madrid, so at once
becomes known to everyone.
Enrique. For God's sake, auntie. This is Martha, we're engaged. Next week
get married. Right, dear?
M a rta. Quite right. In Portugal. Your nephew didn't want
call me your wife before I meet all of you.
Laura. I don't like it ... I don't like it ...
Enrique (Justine). And you ... Are you my cousin Justina?
Justin. At your service, thank God.
Enrique. Blimey! But you ... Quite a grown woman!
Justin. You heard? Woman.
Martha. And not just a woman, but a beauty.
Enrique. I heard you got married. Great ... Where is your husband?
Where is this lucky man?
Justin. The thing is…
Laura. It's better not to talk about it.
Justina broke up with him.
Martha. How so?
Adela. Misfortune, senorita. A terrible misfortune.
Laura. Guillermo - that is the name of this unfortunate man - is sterile. Can not
to have children. And that's why everyone calls him Liermo the Barren.
Adela. We found out about this on the wedding day ... and since then we have not allowed him
see a girl. He lives in our house, but in the attic.
Martha. Oh my God! And ... how do you know that he cannot have children?
The conclusion is a bit hasty, don't you think? In such cases, it is required
time.
Laura It's hereditary. Everyone in the family is sterile. And he is more
everyone. And Khustiaa is a pitiful fool, what kind of husband would love such a person? Not
girl, but the scourge of God.
Martha. A little neglected, that's all. What hair ... Tomorrow you
you will not recognize her. I'll give you a Parisian hairstyle
X u s t and n and. No worries. Auntie every three months
cuts me to zero.
Martha. Can not be!
Laura. It can very well. You don't want her to stagger here,
led into temptation and sin. She's a married woman, after all!
Enrique. And grandfather? Where is this sinner?
Adela. If you are silent for a few seconds, you will hear how it ends.
Everyone becomes silent, and moans are really heard.
Justina (to Martha). Sit down here. It is best heard from here.
Martha. Thanks, but…
Enryake. What's this? Is he that bad?
Adela. It couldn't be worse.
Laura. Maybe we will bury tomorrow. Senorita, you brought with
is something black?
Martha. Eyebrow pencil only. I look too thin in black.
Adela. Justina will give you something of hers. She, on the contrary, has everything
dresses are black. You understand yourself - against temptation.
Laura. And you, Enrique, will wear something from your grandfather's.
Enrique. Well, why are you so ... After all, this has not happened yet ... Poor
Grandpa!
Laura. There is nothing to be done, the law of life. Today - grandfather, tomorrow -
mom ... In the end ... Poor grandfather.
Adela. Yes, poor thing .. How, probably, she suffers!
Justin. If you feel so sorry for your grandfather, why are you going to give him
powder for ...
Laura (slaps her in the face). Would you like to go to the kitchen to make some coffee?
Justin. But I can't!
Laura (gives her a piece of paper with a prescription). Here it is written as it should,
brainless. Do everything exactly, well, go ... Go to the kitchen!
Justina leaves in tears.
Adela. Understand ... She is mentally retarded. Her body -
a twenty-five-year-old woman, and the mind of a five-year-old child.
Enrique. It's OK. Madrid is full of them.
Martha. Of course, but no one slaps them in the face. This was done before.
Enrique. And now they are renting apartments. (Laughs.)
Adela. You forgot that you are in the house of relatives, and some
jokes are not allowed here. Laura is an unmarried girl.
Enrique. OK. Do not be angry. I would like to see poor grandfather. Not
forget: I'm a doctor after all.
Martha. Your nephew is the best trauma surgeon in Madrid.
Laura. Yes, we know that he took it into his head to work on bones, what
disgusting.
Enrique. OK OK. With your permission.
Enters grandfather's room. There is a silence. Both women are insensitive
are looking at Martha. She feels uncomfortable, does not know what to say.
Martha. So, we are in Badajoz!
Lightning flashes, thunder rumbles.
Enrique!
Laura. Why are you calling him? Are you afraid of a thunderstorm?
Martha. No ... no ... That's not why I ... Just a hundred ... But it doesn't matter.
Adela. You should have called that you were coming. We would cook something
have a snack. At such a late hour ...
Martha. For God's sake, don't worry! We had dinner on the way. Yes and go
thought up unexpectedly ... And then - rain, the road you know what. If
not that, we would have arrived at nine.
Laura (not taking her eyes off her). How are your eyes ... painted. Not
ashamed?
Martha. Yes ... yes ... you are right. But Enrique likes it so much.
Laura. A clean face is now rarely seen. I suppose the hair is dyed,
right?
Martha. You see ...
Laura. Don't, don't tell. I prefer not to know.
Martha. As you wish. (Pause.) Is it still raining?
Laura. You are very discerning.
Martha. Oh! You have such a wonderful family. Enrique I have so much about you
told ... I am delighted with your home! What peace, what peace. You,
Laura, I imagined ... I don't know, but completely different: with glasses, fading, and
shorter ... And suddenly: a young woman, beautiful, in juice, cheerful, and not
she is married only because she is faithful to family obligations. I admire you!
I think we'll be friends.
Laura. I doubt it very much. I have never had any girlfriends.
Martha. And you, dona Adela, are an example of a true mother, silent,
selfless, an example of heroism. I am convinced that someday you will be given
a monument, no worse than some Extremadura conquistador. And you know:
this chair suits you very much, extraordinarily. It makes you young ... revives you. By
truth be told, the four wheels have a mysterious power over people, and we,
women, they always come in handy.
Adela. This chair is for me instead of a tarantass.
Martha. I would give a lot to grow up in such a family ... Enrique
won my heart with stories about you. So romantic!
Adela. It used to be even more romantic. There were geraniums on the balcony, but Laura
did not water, and it dried up.
Martha. I would dream of ending my days in a house like this, in the same
chair. How I envy you, dona Adela!
Adela. Okay, my child, thank you. Have crutches at hand, I
I would have shown you - I would have driven it along the corridor to the kitchen, the floor there is even, even.
Believe it or not, sometimes I reach speeds of up to four kilometers per hour. Truth,
daughter? Speed ​​is my only perverse addiction.
Martha. Nothing strange. Laura, please. I would like to wash my hands.
Laura. That door over there.
Martha. Thanks a lot. I'll be right back. (Goes to the bathroom.)
And immediately both women pounce on her bag. Laura opens
bag.
A case a. Rather, baby. They can enter.
Laura (takes out wallet and passport, opens passport, reads). Martha
Garcia, married to Molinos. Mother! Do you hear? By her husband - Molinos.
A case a. I knew it. A dishonest woman, you can see right away. Hide
quicker. Hide!
Enrique enters. Everything has already been put in place.
Enrique. Poor grandfather! Very bad.
I think it won't last long.
Laura. And this one is the same. It is immediately evident - a doctor ... All of you, doctors,
repeat the same thing, and he has been in this state for three months.
Enrique. He talked to me. He took my hand and said: “Pirula-.
Pirula, how soft! ”
A case a. Oh my God!
Laura. Again this bastard! Every now and then - Pirula! Day and night - this
bastard!
Enrique. How? Does Pirula really exist?
Adela Before grandfather got sick, we learned that he ...
there is a bride, official!
Enrique. Pirula?
A case a. Yes, Enrique, yes. This girl before meeting her grandfather
earned herself
for life ... I'm ashamed to say what ...
Laura. She served in an insurance company.
Enrique. So what ... I think this is ...
Laura. I typed contracts, filled out questionnaires ... And even ...
smoked!
Enrique. Opium?
Laura. Worse - cigarettes.
A d e la. Grandpa was going to go with her to Madrid. This Pirula
forward thinking. I would not be at all surprised if she decided to make of
grandfather ... the terrorist. Or a clerk at an insurance company. With her something
glances ...
Enrique. Little human weaknesses. But I'm sure that now ...
A scream comes from the bathroom. Martha appears, her face is distorted
fear.
Martha. Enrique! Enrique!
Enrique. What's the matter? What's the matter?
Martha. Ah ...! In the bathroom! In the bathroom - a man ... I think he's dead.
Laura. Satyr! Surely a Satyr!
Martha. Dressed so strangely, in a checkered cap, a pipe in his teeth.
Adela. How! And Satyr ...
Laura. Well this is too much!
Adela (takes up the whistle, blows several times). Do not be alarmed, this
our friend.
Enrique. A plumber, perhaps? Martial appears.
Laura. Hope everything is okay?
Martial. Sorry, senora, if I scared you. My name is Martial, I
detective. I was investigating and did not notice how I fell asleep. For some reason I
I'm sure there must be murder here, and I'm trying to stop it.
Adela. Funny.
Martial. In addition, we received an anonymous signal. Tonight
The satyr will come to this quarter. This time he will not leave me. For this I
and hid here. Ground floor, there are two women in the house. I apologize again
senora. I'm leaving. I wish you all the best. (Leaves.)
Martha. Which a strange man!
Enrique. Understood nothing. He says that, they say, in this house ... (Laughs.)
Murder ... Look, you wit!
Laura. An ordinary idiot. He always fancies murder, but as long as
found nothing. Mommy's son, it was she who hammered into his head that he
wonderful detective. I hate it!
Enrique. This is perhaps too much. The person believes that they are doing their duty. Can
forgive him.
Adela. No you can not. You can never forgive! (To Laura) Is your father
forgiven then?
Laura. Don't talk about it, mom.
Adela. And that was all - a short Spanish proverb.
Laura. Mom, don't get started!
Adela. Senorita should know about that incident. There was a thunderstorm, terrible
thunderstorm,
as today…
Laura. Tell her: don't! Don't listen to her. She tells it
to every new person. I'm already sick of it. One day i
I'll open my veins.
Martha. OK. I don't particularly want to know. Maybe we'd better play
forfeits. Much more interesting.
Adela. He always kept repeating one thing ... Scoundrel! As I see him now. Calmly
so, without worry, in an even voice: “Adela, dear, do not be a bore,
wait, one day I'll break your spine. ” And so every day
on the day: “Adela, dear, do not be a bore, you’ll wait, one fine
day…"
Laura (with a sob in her voice). Enough, Mom! Enough!
Adela. Always like this.
Martha. And you, what did you tell him?
Adela. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. To his such a long phrase, I, by
naivety, answered the Spanish proverb.
Laura. Here you go! Make the deal! Let everyone know! When the father threatened
break her spine, her mother said: “The dog that barks never
bites ”. Do you think you can say that to your husband?
Martha. Ah ah ah! It seems to smell like a wheelchair.
Laura. And then one day, my mother did not have time to say
damn proverb, how a father is very calm, as always, without any
anger, picked her up in his arms, went out onto the stairs and there ...
Adela. Shut up! Shut up, I order you!
Laura. ... and flung it down with all his might. And since we live on the first
floor, it had to be thrown six times. And then he left home, forever.
Adela. And when this unfortunate man left, my
voice: "Whoever finds a tree will find a shadow." And: “To whom the Lord will give, that
Saint Peter will bless ”. (Cries.) I will never forget!
Laura. Now do you understand how unhappy I am? Life is broken: twenty years
I mess with my sick grandfather, with a mentally retarded fool and with my mother ...
silent!
Adela. Fu, how rude!
Laura. I'm sick of it! (On the verge of hysteria.) How many have already forgotten that I was
young and pretty, everyone has forgotten about me! How much I have suffered! How many
suffered! And ... and ...! Justina! Justina!
Hustina enters.
Justin. Did you call me, aunt?
Laura. Go here! (He comes up to her and slaps her in the face. Calm down.) You can
go.
Justina leaves.
Justina calms me down a bit. If not for her, I would have opened it long ago
my wife.
Pause.
Martha. Hot, isn't it? Another pause.
Enrique. Everyone has their own cross. That is life. But everything goes away.
Adela. This is what we believe in. Really, daughter? Everything will change very soon.
Martha. That's enough, we don't think about sad things anymore. Do you want me to call
Justin
and have some fun?
Enrique. Aunt, we want to spend the night here. If everything goes well
tomorrow
in the morning we will leave.
Laura. This is impossible. Go to the hotel to spend the night.
Martha. In my opinion, a good idea.
Enrique. Grandpa is in such a state - I must be with him. Suddenly at night
what will happen, after all I am a doctor and could certify that ...
MARTA (to Enrique). Go here. I can't take another minute. Is not
people, and monsters!
Enrique. Do not be silly.
Laura. Mom, did you hear?
Adela. Yes, baby, I heard and understood everything perfectly. They will stay.
Thunder is heard. Justina enters.
Justin. I'll bring coffee ... with this one?
Laura. Now is not the time.
ENRIKE. And in my opinion, an excellent idea, with a glass of cognac.
Laura. In this house, alcoholic beverages are not kept, and neither are dominoes. This is
you are not a bar.
Enrique. But Justina said ...
Laura. Justina said nothing. Remind me mom, tomorrow is sure
need to cut her tongue.
Justin. No, no, don't touch your tongue! I'll be good! (Crying,
kneels.) I won't say anything! Just don't touch your tongue! Aunt sorry
me.
Enrique. Just think how worried she is about her tongue!
Martha. It’s quite natural. You are a man, you cannot understand this.
Adela. Girl, stop it! Okay, don't cry, we'll figure it out.
Justin. I don't want to lose my tongue.
Laura. Justina can sleep with me. And Enrique is in her room.
Adela. And the senorita is on this bed. (Points towards the sewing
cars.)
Justina carries Enrique's suitcases to her room.
Enrique. No, no, don't touch the suitcases.
Adela. But since you ...
Enrique. The suitcase and the hatbox are due to leave tonight.
Pamplona.
Laura. Tonight? What nonsense!
Enrique. That's that. It is a matter of life and death.
Adela. Well, if so ... Liermo can take them right now and turn them in
baggage. Come on, call Liermo. Tell me to come down quickly.
Laura. I'll show you your room first. Follow me.
Enrique. Good. I'm coming.
Martha. I'll go with you, Enrique. Don't leave me alone.
ENRIKE. Come on, Martha, you're not little. You stay to sleep here.
Laura. Come on, Enrique.
Enrique. Went.
Laura and Enrique leave. A rumble of thunder is heard, then the groans of grandfather.
Martha. You said: is this a bed?
Adela (Justina). Justina, make a bed for the senorita.

Justina pulls out a fold-out bed, already made.
All those nights someone slept on it. Grandpa is in this state ...
Martha (opens her suitcase). I would like to change into pajamas.
Adela. Go to the bathroom. And don't worry. It's OK.
Martha. I'm not worried, it's nerves. Tired of the road. (Goes to the bathroom
room.)
Laura returns.
Laura. Justina, your husband is coming. Hide in the closet and not
come out before they tell you. You know you can't see him.
Justin. Okay, aunt.
Laura. Go.
Justin. I'm coming, aunt. (Leaves.)
Adela approaches Martha's briefcase and tries to open it.
Laura. Great thought. He will witness the death of the grandfather. (Goes to
phone, picks up the phone. Dials the number.)
Adela opens her briefcase and examines the contents.
Liermo, is that you? Get down quickly. No, not dead yet. (Hangs up the phone.)
Mom, what are you doing?
Adela (thoughtfully). Grandpa won't survive this night.
Laura. What do you want to say? What is your mind so rich in mind?
Adela. Look, daughter, look what's in the suitcase. And tell me, do you have
other thoughts?
Laura (looks into Martha's briefcase). Oh my God! I have not seen in my life
such wealth. (Dreamily.) One could leave this forever
cities.
Adela. Go travel! To look at the white light. And Lourdes
Our Lady, Laura, Our Lady of Lourdes!
Laura. And also a suitcase and a hatbox ...
Adela a. Right. That's why they wanted to take them away from here. For sure
currency or drugs, and they are afraid to carry them across the border. Come on open up
box. Open up, baby, open up!
Laura. Now, mom, this minute. How greed seized you at once.
They try to open the hatbox. Enrique appears on the threshold and silently
watching the scene.
Adela. Come on, come on. We need to know what's in it.
Laura. It is locked. That seems to give in.
Enrique. Try it like this. I lost my key.
Adela. No, no, don't. Some kind of stupidity, female curiosity.
(Laughs.)
The doorbell rings.
Probably Liermo. Did you hide the girl?
Laura. By itself. I'll go open it. (Exits.)
Enrique. It's ugly to rummage in other people's suitcases, aunt. In my opinion, ugly.
Adela. You see, son ... You know how much I love hats. So I wanted
see if it suits me. But what surprised me - how heavy it is ... this
"Hat".
Liermo enters, followed by Laura.
Enrique. Hi Guillermo. It's nice to meet you.
Liermo. How are you doing? You can call me like everyone else - Liermo the barren,
I do not care. There are no people without flaws. Well okay, reluctance wasted time
lose. Where do you need to carry your suitcase and hatbox?
Enrique. To the station. Check in your luggage on the first train to
Pamplona. Liermo. It's clear. To Pamplona, ​​right? How many?
Enrique. In what sense? I do not understand.
Liermo. You see, senor, I don't care what you have in your suitcase -
smuggling or bomb.
Enrique. But…
Liermo. Wait a minute. I'm talking.
Laura. Don't contradict him. He is offended by God, here is the character and
deteriorated.
Liermo. How much are you going to pay for this job? Now on
check every step.
Enrique. Well, I don't know ... One hundred pesetas ... For smoke and coffee.
Liermo. I went to bed.
Enrique. Wait ... Thousand pesetas, coming?
Liermo. Now I see interest. Goes on. Five hundred now, and
five hundred when I get the receipt.
Enrique. Hold on. (Gives him money.)
Liermo (quietly, to Enrique). I need to talk to you. Have you already seen?
Enrique. What?
Liermo. Shh ... (Takes him to the corner.) Justin. Have you seen?
Enrique. Well, of course. She was here.
Liermo. And how do you like it? Do I taste good? That's why I'm saving up
money ... One fine day we will leave here, and then ... Then this
the family will find out if I can have children or not.
Enrique. Good good…
Liermo. Listen. Are you interested in dried heads, human, keychain
can you make a hairpin on a tie, put it in the living room for beauty?
Enrique. What are you talking about, young man?
Laura. Open your ears, brother! Now he wants to hand you the dried
heads. Fear not, they are not real.
Liermo. She says - not real! I collect them in the cemetery, and at home
dry until they are small, with a fist. Then I glue it on bakelite
ashtray, and below I write: "Greetings from Badajoz." People think they are
fake, but they - on the contrary! Enrique. If this monster does such a thing
here, what would he do in Paris, and even with education?
Liermo. What are you saying?
Enrique. Nothing, boy, just like that. Do not try, for God's sake,
travel or read books.
Liermo. Listen ... If you want forbidden magazines, postage
postcards, insulin, morphine or hashish, the freshest, dial this number only
- that's all. (Pulls out a business card.) Would you like a Japanese lighter ...
can it also serve as a ballpoint pen and a battery-powered radio? With
discount ... For you ...
Enrique. The thing is ... I don't smoke.
Liermo. Does not matter. It can set fire to the forest.
Enrique. You're right.
Adela. Oh, what a bore. Always the same! I would sit and think better about
your trouble.
Martha appears in her pajamas with a robe over her pajamas.
Martha. Here I am. Hell! Who is this handsome young man?
Liermo (whistled when he saw Martha). Blimey! So you can scare
senora!
Laura. Liermo! Sorry senorita. This is Guillermo, Justina's husband.
Martha. That very unfortunate one ... I am very glad to meet you, Liermo.
Let me kiss you on the cheek? (Kisses him.)
Liermo is dumbfounded.
I've been told so much about you ...
Liermo. Don't trust them.
Martha. Soul of Badajoz! Justina's husband lives separately from her, because he
an extraordinarily sensitive and spiritual person ...
Adela. Now he’s going to go crazy with her again.
Liermo (pulls out a pair of stockings). Do you like it?
Martha. O! Adorable! Just lovely, Liermo. And not one, but two. What
especially nice.
Liermo. Cheap. Almost for nothing.
Martha. What does the cheapness have to do with it! Such things are not judged by price. Finally
you will take away the paper stockings from Justina! Bravo!
Liermo. I have tergal things, perlon, rubber gloves,
nylon combinations, there is powder, lipstick, I get the goods from Tangier and
Portugal.
Enrique. Listen, monster, do you have ties?
L'ermo. But how! All colors, and also ... (Whispers in his ear.)
Enrique. Bring me black.
Liermo. How? Has grandpa already ... (Approaches Laura.) Well, I'm glad!
Congratulations.
Laura. Don't play the fool. Take a suitcase with a box and go. Grandpa still
will hold out for a while.
Liermo (shore suitcase and hatbox). OK. (March.) Until
dates ... What is your name?
Martha (a little scared). Martha Garcia.
Liermo. Unmarried?
Martha. No, get married ...
Enrique. Martha!
Martha. Unmarried, young man. Unmarried and not even engaged.
Liermo. This is good. Fits. It seems to me that we would be with you ... with us
there is something to talk about.
Martha. I doubt.
Liermo. Once I wrote a verse. You will hear it ...
Thunder is heard.
What a night! Do you hear, Laura? The new bridge is breathing in an incense. You see today
and lucky. (Leaves.)
Laura follows. Pause.
Adela. I think it's time to go to bed.
Enrique. Yes, everyone does not bother to sleep.
Adela. Grandpa can be heard perfectly from your bed. So don't worry
and sleep well.
Laura appears on the doorstep.
Laura. If you hear a noise, it seems like someone fell out of bed on the floor -
do not be alarmed, it's okay. It's not the first time that grandpa does this. IN
at a certain age, people tend to be weird. (Pushes the wheelchair
mother to her room.)
Adela. Would you like to put your things in my closet?
Martha. No, thank you. I have nothing like that.
Adela. Okay, whatever.
Enrique. I'll go to my grandfather before going to bed.
(Enters grandfather's room.)
Thunder Strike.
Laura. You are not afraid of a thunderstorm, are you?
Martha. I'm not afraid, I'm not little anymore. And in Madrid there is even a thunderstorm
pleasure.
Adela. Well, go to bed and rest. Goodnight.
Martha. Thank you, senora. Same to you.
Mother and daughter leave. Martha looks scared. Doesn't know what to do.
Finally he takes off his robe and goes to bed; from grandfather's room
Enrique comes out.
Enrique. Do not know. It's hard to say, but ... Most likely bronchitis. Symptoms
are not in doubt.
Martha. Enrique, I wanted to talk to you alone.
Enrique. Speak, my love.
Martha. You know, I think it's impossible. I should probably
return to Armando. I'm sure he will forgive me.
Enrique. What's the matter with you, Martha? Do not you love me anymore?
Martha. Do not know. I do not know what happened to me. Probably nerves. Moreover, this
house ... Strange things are happening in it. And in general - everything happened so quickly ...
Enrique. And with Armando, on the contrary - everything is so slow. And you missed.
Martha. This is true. I missed you terribly.
Enrique, let's leave this house now, I have bad
forebodings, I'm scared, terribly scared.
Enrique. It's impossible to leave now, Martha, I can't drive at night.
Go have a rest. You sleep, in the morning you will see everything with different eyes, and then we
you ... Alone and together, now - always together. Did you write a letter to your husband?
Martha. Yes, and he probably already read it. Poor Armando, how is he me
loved, but ... such a bore! And he did not understand me at all, never understood.
And you…
Enrique. Besides, he was too young. Just three years older than you
and marriage requires peace and understanding. Your husband cared more about his
career, about your future than about you.
Martha. You are completely different! With you I feel like a stone
wall. Do you know how I fell in love with you? You say: I think like a little one,
but I still like to talk about it. I fell in love with you that day
when you broke my leg and you put me in a cast. You know you put a cast on me like that
Good…
Enrique. I've adored you for a long time. And so I painted a heart on a plaster cast,
pierced by an arrow, and wrote the poems of Campoamor.
Martha. And then ... I gave you my X-ray with the inscription:
“Enrique from Martha”.
Enrique. You were so beautiful on it! I always carried it with me in
wallet, and when he was alone, he looked at your X-ray
light and thought of you. If I wasn't already crazy about you, I would fall in love
without memory into your fracture. Martha. Enrique, oh, how can you talk
with women. I never get tired of listening to you.
Enrique. OK. Now go to bed. You need a sleep. And tomorrow
let's move on.
Martha. You and me, together and alone.
Enrique. Together until the end of days. Good night my Love.
Martha. Goodnight.
They kiss.
Enrique. Rest.
Martha. I'm already much better.
Enrique leaves. Martha goes to bed and turns off the light. Immediately the door
Justina opens and enters, holding a cup of coffee and a small bag.
Justin. Are you sleeping?
Martha. No baby come in.
Justin. Here I brought it to you. What kind of coffee do you want - with or without milk?
Martha. I shouldn't have worried ... I don't care ... (Takes a cup.) What
hot…
Justin. I took a doll with me. I always sleep with her, it's more fun. Me her
made by Liermo ... So funny ... She knows how to close her eyes ... I named her
Rosalinda.
Martha. How is it? What a nice guy Liermo! Let me see.
I already met him, in my opinion, very smart ... Oh ... (Seeing
doll, screams and jumps out of bed.) What is this?
Justin. My doll ... Rosalinda ...
Martha. Enrique! Enrique! Throw away this muck now ... It's
head ... Oh my God!
Enrique runs in.
Enrique. What's the matter? What are you shouting?
Martha (crying). Look ... Look ... what's in my bed ...
Justin. My doll.
Enrique. Listen, Justina ... get her out of here. What an abomination!
Justin. But she ... So pretty ... Come here, my love!
Poor thing, no one loves you ... (Leaves)
Enrique. Calm down, Martha! Calm down ... Well, all of a sudden ...
Martha. Sorry Enrique. I was so scared ... When I saw ... What
dirty trick!
Enrique. Okay, honey. Try to pull yourself together. Whatever you are
saw, no matter what you hear, do not pay attention. Understand, this is from your nerves,
only from the nerves. Martha. I will try.
Enrique. Go to bed and have some coffee - you will feel better ... See you tomorrow.
(Leaves.)
Martha, having calmed down a little, is going to drink coffee, but here is a balcony
the door swings open. The wind rushes in, rain. Martha gets up and closes the door.
Goes back to bed; on the balcony, behind a glass door, a tall
man in a raincoat and hat. Knocks on the glass.
Martha. One minute ... Where did he come from there? (Opens the balcony
Door.)
The man bursts into the room. Starts jumping around the room, growls like
the beast. Throws himself to the floor, writhing in writhing.
Bravo! .. You are good at it ... But why don't you show
me my skill tomorrow? I am so tired…
Eustakio (howls). Uuuuuuu ... Ouuuuuuu ... Ummmmmmm ... (He
attached nose.)
Martha. Everything is excellent, but - tomorrow ... I really want to sleep ...
(Yawns.)
Eustakio. Ayuuuuuu ... ay ...! Apchhi!
Martha. Be healthy!
Eustakio. Thanks. (Takes out a handkerchief, blows his nose.) Awwwwwwwww…
Martha. Again for your own! What a bore ... Do you think this is witty?
Eustakio. Are you ... not going to scream?
Martha. I?! What for?
Eustakio. Well ... I didn't scare you?
Martha. Scared me ... such a nice man? If I tell you
something about this family, your hair will stand on end.
Eustakio. I’m something ... I don’t understand anything ... Is your name Rafaela Guzman?
(Takes out a crumpled piece of paper.) And you live ...
Martha. Don't, don't work. My name is Martha and I don't live here. I
arriving.
Eustakio. My God, what a nightmare! Please excuse me ... (Going
leave the way you came.) Ap ... chhi! Apchhi! Wow, I got a cold ...
Martha. You bet ... Why did you want to stagger on such a night, and even
to make such things? Come here ... Lord my God!
Eustakio. Don't worry ... Since you are ... Ap ... chhi! Apchhi! ..
Martha. Yes, you are soaked to the skin ... Take off your raincoat ... And all that
you on
face ...
Eustakio. For God's sake! You will ruin me ...
Martha. Well ... a cloak ... you are just like a child ...
Eustakio. Or maybe for the better ... (He takes off his raincoat and false nose on
elastic band.)
Martha. You should have been flogged ... What kind of manners ...
Eustakio. Let me introduce myself. I am an Extremadura Satyr, although I
and it’s unpleasant to say it. Ap ... chhi!
Martha. Good luck! .. (Gives him a blanket.) Throw it over yourself. And besides
what do you do?
Eustakio. In the morning I go to the real estate office. I am with them
the gatekeeper. In the afternoon I keep some accounts, and at night -
you saw it yourself ... Do you want to live, senora, know how to spin ... Wife, five children ...
The youngest, three-year-old, has measles, the eldest, Elene, eighteen
equaled ... Look ... (Takes photographs out of his pocket). Here they are all
five ... And in the middle - my wife ... When I have a night job, they all do not
sleeping, waiting for dad.
Martha. Something I don't really understand ...
Eustakio. Eustachio ... Call me Eustachio ... And Satyr is for
press. You see ... When in our city some young girl
something happens to the groom ... I don't know if I'm clear enough
I say ...
Martha. Go ahead, Eustakio, I am not a child.
Eustakio. So ... when this happens ... in the doorman's
leave a request. And at night I climb through the window, make noise to attract
attention, but nothing like that, God forbid, I myself am little interested in these matters,
well, in a word, I make a noise until she screams ... And then I wash off through the window, here
that's all. I don't know if you understand me or not. Apchhi!
Martha. Not really.
Eustacno. Everything is very simple. I kind of take the blame for everything that
was .., And the girl is immediately given in marriage, And almost always for the same
groom.
Martha. It turns out that you are the father of half of the city.
Eustakio. Can you imagine? Lower floors pay seventy-five
pesetas, plus twenty-five pesetas for each additional floor. A ...
Apchhi!
Martha. I see ... And you confused me with ...?
Eustakio. I do not know how it happened., Houses nearby ... And now, from your
permission, I will return to my duties .., (Takes a raincoat, puts on a nose.)
Martha. It flows from you, you catch pneumonia ...
Eustakio. Calm down, senora ... Each profession has its own
disadvantages., Apchhi!
Martha. Here, have some coffee. Already cooled down, but you will still feel
better.
Eustakio. No no! Thanks a lot. No worries…
Martha. Don't make me angry, Eustachio. I order you.
Eustakio. Well, well ... Thank you very much ... (Drinks coffee.)
Martha. Nice coffee!
Eustakio. It tastes a little bitter ... and smells strange.
Martha. You haven't tried it. Come on, in one gulp ...
Eustakio. Awww! Uuuummmm! Whoa ...
Martha. Again for your own, Eustakio? Enough is not witty.
Eustakio (writhing in pain). Coffee ... Uuummm! ... Coffee. Coffee…
poisoned ... (Falls to the floor.)
Martha. But ... Eustachio ... What's the matter with you? Come on get up ... Come on,
gallant gentleman, get up! Come on up ... (Takes a coffee cup.)
There was coffee, and it was ... For me! Enrique! Enrique! Enrique! (Runs out of
rooms.)
There is a short pause. And then Don Gregoro came out of his room in the night
shirt and sleeping cap. Drags the Satyr's corpse into his room.
She puts the coffee cup back in place. Enrique and Martha enter.
Enrique. Now you will take these pills and sleep well until the morning.
Martha. I'm telling you, he entered through the balcony door ... in a raincoat ... first
he jumped, howled like an animal ... And then he drank coffee and ...
Enrique. Martha, for God's sake!
M a rta. But it's true ... Believe me, Enrique ... I'm going to go crazy now.
Enrique. What do you say he called himself?
Martha. Local Satyr.
Enrique. Satyr from Badajoz? .. Listen ... But this is ridiculous ... Here, take
a pill ... You just need it ...
The phone rings.
I'll come ... Wake up the whole house ... (Picks up the phone) I'm listening ... Yes, I'm listening
you ... What? .. (Pause.) Hello! Hello! .. How strange ... (Puts the receiver off the
side.)
Martha (nervous). What's up, Enrique? Who called?
Enrique. I don't know ... I can't understand ... Some strange voice sang:
"May 5th ... June 6th ... July 7th ... Saint Fermin ..." And then
mysteriously said: "Pamplona ... fig!" And hung up. I do not understand.
(Hangs up the phone.)
Martha. Suitcases, Enrique! Suitcases and a hatbox! We went to
Pamplona!
Enrique. Right ... Suitcases and hatbox ... We're lost!
Martha. Enrique!
Throw themselves into each other's arms. And falls fast
A curtain.

Second act

When the curtain is raised, laughter is heard and music - a twist. The scenery is the same.
The rollaway bed is removed again, everything looks the same as at the beginning
actions. The storm is raging with might and main. It took about two hours.
On stage, dona Ad ate in the same wheelchair. Next to her - on
a chair, beside the table with a brazier - dona Socorro. Death moans are no longer
audible.
Adela (laughs like crazy). Oh, how funny! How many are you
remember, and everyone is so piquant! .. Whatever you tell - all about it ...
How do you know so many obscene anecdotes?
Socorro. It took two years to endure a completely impossible servant, but
but she was walking with a corporal from the Foreign Legion. And he told her
only even more indecent than mine ... You should have listened ...
Adela (laughing all the time). Do you know ... (He says something to her in
ear.) These corporals are such robbers!
Socorro. You can't even imagine what! This one is already in the castle.
Adela. Is he a count?
Socorro. Almost. Apparently had a nasty habit of taking other people's things
without permission. Do you know any jokes?
Adela. Of course I know. But I don't know how to tell them. There were no acquaintances
corporals.
Socorro. Do you know about the parrot? .. So ... (Whispers in Dona Adela's ear,
and she bursts into laughter.)
Adela. Wonderful. But this one can only be told to adults
French ...
Laura appears.
Laura.! Something happened?
Adela. Dona Socorro ... says this ... you will die laughing. I have
already here it hurts. (He points to the side.)
Laura. All jokes are over. And you, dona Socorro, forever ... not
Do you know how humble people should behave when there is a deceased in the house?
Socorro. Really. We forgot about poor Don Gregorio, never again
we will not hear his death moans ... What a misfortune! We, in Badajoz, have it all
loved, here you are, for example, why talk about others ... what a horror, here it is,
a life! (Sobs.)
Adela. Okay, okay, dona Socorro, you came to cheer me up, don't
darken us, please, this day.
Socorro. Yes, you are right, you are right ... But every good Christian ...
Laura. Leave her, mom, let her relieve herself. After all, outside the door -
deceased grandfather, and tears on such an occasion would not hurt.
Socorro. And tell me, will a lot of people come to the vigil?
Laura. As less as possible. We will hold the vigil over this deceased in a narrow
family circle. Very modest. We're in mourning.
Adela. In addition, grandfather did not like showing off, he could not stand any
luxury, no Coca-Cola.
Socorro. Dona Veneranda will come any minute with her son. I
just spoke to her on the phone, she is very excited. Oh yes! You
Do you know that Pepita's husband is studying French?
Adela. Really? Want to hire a hotel?
Socorro. Nothing of the kind ... Preparing for the tourist season ...
I tell you ... Now men are learning languages ​​for the sake of Swedish girls ... And my husband
Pepita will eventually run away with some Swede. Sooner or later.
Adela. It's right. In our time, men studied pharmacy, and
now…
Socorro. Listen, can I go and see Don Gregorio,
eternal glory to him?
Adela. Not yet, they will tell you when you can. Have patience.
Laura. Now there is mine cousin Enrique, it's been over an hour. Leads
him in order. He's a doctor ...
Adela. Arrived last night, only you left. Will stay for the funeral. He
rides
to Portugal.
Socorro. One?
Adela. No with…
Laura. And what do you care!
X mustache appears, holding a tray of cookies.
Justin. Aunt Laura, where to put the cookies?
Adela. On the table, baby, on the table Justina puts the tray on the table with
brazier.
Laura. Dona Socorro, don't touch the cookies until the others arrive.
They are all counted.
Socorro. And the brushwood? Will there be no brushwood? At the vigil of poor Seiferino,
assistant don Carlos, it was full of brushwood, and it came out very nice. I am nothing
I want to say, master-master, everyone is free to arrange vigils in their own way, but ...
Adela. At that vigil there was a lord from Medina de Campo, buddy
one of the neighbors, and sang Navarre jots. I must admit, his voice
beautiful.
Laura. Still would! As he sang "I am not afraid of the beast ... this beast has already died ...".
Satisfied, they begin to hum.
Adela (singing). “One daredevil fought with him ... and a terrible beast
finished off ... ”. Socorro. He sings great, but I know that in Madrid he took off
an apartment for one senorita, named Chon, and he calls her Asuncion,
so that no one thinks anything.
Justin. Auntie ... Aunt Laura says I will have to wear mourning
my grandfather is ten years old. That is, everything is black. And only watch Spanish
movies ... Is it really necessary to kill yourself like that?
Laura. You heard? What immorality! You don't love anyone! Other
I would have burned out of shame if I had worn less mourning for a day! And you have one for
mind - have fun. Everything pulls you into a fun life. We will not be - and
you'll end up in a brothel or worse.
Justin. Worse than a brothel? What's worse, aunt?
Adela. The daughter is right. Today's youth have only entertainment in their minds. Have
poor grandfather's legs are still warm ...
Socorro. You are absolutely right. This movie spoiled them so much. Do not know,
why are not films being cut now ... Do you remember how Tarzan appears?
The doorbell rings.
Justin. Probably Liermo ... May I open it?
Laura. You can, today - you can, it's still mourning ... Just look:
if you try to make eyes at him, we will gouge them out!
Justin. Don't worry, aunt. (Satisfied and radiant, she goes to open.)
Adela. Listen, dona Socorro ... How does Tarzan appear?
Socorro. Like some Englishman on the beach, out of clothes - alone
hair.
Enter Dona Veneranda with her son MARSIAL, dressed as usual.
Veneranda (to Laura, bursting into tears). Baby ... Baby. Not
can you imagine how we are going through ... (Kisses her.) What a grief! In the prime of life ...
Laura. Okay, okay, dona Veneranda ... we must hold on. And what about “in
the color of years ”, of course, you were joking ...
Veneranda. Such was wonderful person... so generous ... so
wise ... But what can I say - just a saint, did no harm to anyone,
he would see, it used to be, a blind beggar, and - nothing, will pass by ... (Sobbing.)
Dona Adela ... poor you are mine! Don't get up ... What a horror! Who could have expected!
Adela. All of Badajoz, for three months now.
Veneranda. A few days ago I was as healthy as a cucumber ... Nice
was to watch him roll a cigarette for himself. What a grief! (Sobs.)
MARSIAL (to Laura, hugging her). Laura, I have no words to express
my condolences to you.! What can you do - the law of life ... In the end, everything
we are only dust ... dust ...
Laura. My God, from whom I hear! Okay, okay, go get some cookies.
Marcial (to dona Socorro, by mistake). What a grief, dona Socorro! (Serves
her hand.) Here is my hand ... I am with you in your grief.
S about k about r about. I don’t need your hand, dear, in this grief. Give me
hand then when you go to see me home.
Martial. What about condolences?
Coming soon. And no condolences are needed. I am to them - the seventh water on jelly, like
your mother, and she came here for a treat.
Martial takes a cookie and eats it.
Veneranda. And the brushwood? A Galician roast, and Cantimpalos sausages
- won't they be?
Socorro. Nothing will happen. Only cookies. Vigil on the third grade.
They take cookies and eat.
Veneranda. And the cookies ... God knows how fresh ... By the way - oh
fresh: when will it be possible to look at it?
Socorro. Later. Someone came to them from Madrid, it seems ...
The women continue to talk to each other.
Martial. Dona Adela ... Poor you are mine ... You know how I am to you
my condolences. I'm just shocked.
Adela. I know ... I know, my boy ... but you have such shocks -
for good.
Socorro. What did your son say: he just ...
Veneranda. Shocked.
Socorro. And, well, yes ... crush, then. In whom is it? Looks like
some walker, so he does not dare to say.
Martial. Oh yes! Mother and I, to ease your grief at least a little,
brought with them a bottle of Benedictine. And the almonds, real, from
Logroño. (He hands this over to Dona Adela.)
Socorro. What did he say? Some sins ...
Veneranda. No, nuts, almonds, real, from Logroño.
Socorro. And I was already scared! I heard - not from Logroño, but from
Ciudad Real, almonds are not good there.
Martial (to Laura). And ... how did the tragic outcome come about?
Laura. Nothing special. Heart attack in addition to inflammation
lungs, bilateral.
Adela. And the years ... he was ninety-two.
Laura. And his liver was all like a sieve.
Adela. But the worst thing is asthma. Anyway that's what mine said
nephew, and he is a doctor, arrived a few hours ago, because
assumed.
Laura. The last few days have been terribly difficult ... And now two hours
back the fortress finally fell.
Martial. And before you fell, did you say anything?
Laura. At that time he had Enrique with his fiancée. It can be seen that he
called them as best he could, sat up on the bed and spoke in a barely audible voice:
“Etcetera. Non plus ultra ”. And walked away.
Socorro. What did he say to the bride?
Veneranda. Nothing for the bride. And he said goodbye in Latin. Such
was attentive!
Socorro. Apparently, he was planning something ... I wanted to laugh, how to give a drink ...
They continue to talk to each other.
Adela. How are you, Martial? A lot of work?
Martial. Yes, senora. Finally, tonight must fall
Extremadura Satyr. I assure you.
Laura (laughs). Do not make me laugh! (Laughs.) You will catch Satyr!
Martial. There was a signal for us. He will visit Rafaela Guzman tonight,
the girl from the next house. The quarter is cordoned off, he cannot leave.
Socorro. Hear you Lord, son! Maybe finally we are lonely
women, let's take a breath.
Laura. And I would like to meet him. (Dreamily.) Should
be an extraordinary man. Brave! Bold! Uncouth! With Ilaria
did it - it's scary to think! I, in my opinion, fell in love with him at the very first
the day he started his stuff. But with me ... With me he would never
dared ... There is a reason for that.
Adela. My child, do not say that ... Otherwise, the guests will think that you are not
there were applicants. (To others) And Laura could have done a great part.
Laura. Yes, there was one. But he sits out thirty years because of the old woman. Which
injustice! Of course, Jacobo had a knife, but the old woman could have
to defend himself, And he is thirty years old for that. What an abomination! (On the verge
hysterics.) What an abomination!
Adela (blows the whistle). Enough, daughter!
Laura. Justina! Justina!
Adela. Today, please, leave this number.
Laura. I can't take it anymore, mom! I can not! (Just about to explode.)
Adela. Would you like a cup of coffee?
Veneranda. I would prefer ham, Coffee makes me sleepy.
Socorro. Quite right. Pour from the bottle!
Adela blows her whistle three times, and Justina appears.
Laura. Where have you gone, unfortunate, we are calling, but you are not going?
Justin. I read Franz Kafka, a funny book.
Martial. So how? Guess who the killer is?
Justin. Almost. Already I began to guess, but he - once! - and turned
into a grasshopper. But, of course, the grasshopper is a little bit Freudian.
Laura (slapping her in the face). Shut up, despicable! Don't you see - we have
guests, they are not interested in your stupidity. Stepping out of here, mindless. Go to the kitchen
and make coffee. It is already cooked, you just need to heat it up.
Justin. Okay, aunt, okay. Just don't hit me on the cheeks like that, otherwise
I'll get bored someday ... and then everyone will know, here ... (Leaves.)
Adela. You can't do otherwise with her. She carries this, I have no idea where she is
got it. Our home has always adhered to traditional views.

Enrique and Marta come out of the grandfather's room; Martha is excited, it can be seen
that she was very tired. The face is pale, suffering. She has slippers in her hands.
Enrique. You can come in. Now it's okay, you can take a look at
him.
Martha. Please ... Chair! (Sits down) I'm not feeling well.
Laura. This is my cousin Enrique. Traumatologist.
Socorro. Poor thing!
Veneranda. And what is it?
Socorro. Like a hairdresser, honey, just cleaner.
Adela. Don Marcial Hernandez, detective.
Martial and Enrique shake hands.
My nephew Enrique, passing from Madrid.
Martial. No words, how I sympathize with you.
Enrique. Thanks to.
Martial. I knew Don Gregorio well and was simply shocked by what had happened.
It will not be easy for Badajoz to survive his passing. Don Gregorio left here
mine
track.
Veneranda. Have you noticed how my son expresses his thoughts?
Adela. And this two seniors - dona Socorro and dona Veneranda - are close
friends at home. They came to be with us.
Enrique. Seniors, I'm all at your service.
Veneranda. And we are at your disposal, day and night.
ENRIQUE (gives Martha a pill). Take it, Martha, calm down.
Martha swallows a pill.
The poor thing is very impressionable.
Martha. Enrique, let's leave as soon as possible. I can not do it anymore.
Laura (quietly, to Enrique). These seniors would like to see grandfather. And so do we.
The last time we saw him alive.
Adela. That is life.
Enrique. Yes, yes, come in. You will see it has changed a little. For death
there were so many different reasons, and his facial expression, character,
even hair.
Martial. This often happens. The nose must have sharpened, right?
Enrique. So ... that's it ... very, very sharpened. Come in,
come in, please, just don't touch anything.
Both the old women and Martial enter the grandfather's room.
That which lies in the coffin in the cassock of a Franciscan monk is the don
Gregorio.
Martha (bursts into tears). Horrible! Horrible!
Enrique. What are you, Martha? Law of life. We'll all be there. Come on,
calm down, calm down.
Martial appears.
Martial. Don Enrique, please come into the room. Mother does not
can don Gregorio something, it seems, amulet.
Enrique. I'm going, I'm going, this minute. Just don't touch anything.
Martial returns to his grandfather's room.
Martha, pull yourself together.
Martha. Leave me alone. I feel bad. I'll ... go to the bathroom, wash myself
cold water might feel better. (Goes to the bathroom.)
Enrique. Poor thing, she's completely upset! Finally. And you will not go
take a look at grandpa?
Adela. Yes, yes, let's go now.
Noise comes from the room. Martial appears.
Martial. Rather, otherwise his mother tickles him, checks if he really
died.
Enrique. I'm coming. Let's see what's going on there. (Goes to grandfather's room.)
Adela. She doesn't seem to have drunk the coffee.
Laura. Or it didn't work. Or maybe my hand trembled, and I am a little
poured. Out of habit.
Adela. It's good that potassium cyanide remained.
Laura. We will brew more coffee and pour both of them at once.
Adela. Yes, daughter, the sooner the better. Do you see the suitcase? Stands over
laughs with us.
Laura. I see, mom, I see. Patience. A little more - and he will be ours.
(Pushes the wheelchair to the door to grandfather's room.) How happy I am!
Finally, life has smiled at us.
Adela. It is high time. And then I already began to think that you are a failure, daughter
my. Just don't try to do anything while Martial is here. He can do everything
spoil.
Laura. Don't worry, Mom, don't worry.
Adela. Let's go take a look at grandfather, please the eye.
Approaching the door.
Laura. Mom, I'm completely happy. A little more - and we will live
sing along! For you, mom, I'll buy a pair of trotters - lovely sight!
Adela. Quiet, quiet, crazy! You prevent me from concentrating, so we
we cannot go to grandfather. All that is missing is a sip of wine and a voice:
“I'm not afraid of the beast ...” Hold back your enthusiasm, we'll be left alone, then ...
Laura. OK, Mom. Let's go. Grandpa is waiting for us.
They enter the room of the deceased. Long pause. Only the sound of rain is heard.
The door of a large closet opens quietly, and grandfather's head protrudes into
sleeping cap. Don Gregorio looks around the room, makes sure that she
empty and exits the closet. He is wearing a long nightgown and slippers,
shoulders - a blanket. Gently heads to the phone, picks up the phone,
dials the number. He speaks very quietly, trying not to be heard.
Gregorio. Hello ... May I call Pirula? Pirula can be asked to
phone? No, my throat is hoarse. Pirula! P-Paris ... No, not from Paris
she, but from Guadalajara.
Justina appears at the door.
Hustia. Hi Grandpa! What are you doing here? They got out of bed again!
I'll tell my aunt ...
Gregorio (into the telephone receiver). Okay, don’t, don’t suffer. (Puts
pipe.) Well, beauty, how are you? Justin. Oh, I didn't even notice why
are you not in a coffin?
Gregorio. It became boring, so I think: I'll go and knead the numb members.
Khustin. A-ah-ah ... Why are they numb?
Gregorio. You see, the box is out of size, a little cramped. to me
it is inconvenient in it. Presses.
Khustin. This is just the beginning, the first years. And then you will get used to it, here
see. Every thing squeezes at first, and then wears out. Listen,
grandpa, tell your aunts not to make me mourn ten
years old.
The doorbell rings. Grandpa is worried.
Gregorio. Go, beauty, open up. They call.
X u s t and n and. They are coming. Probably Liermo. “The shepherdess danced,
La la la la la la…". (Humming, he goes to open the door.)
Grandpa, left alone, again hides in his hiding place - in the closet.
Enter Liermo and X at Steen. He has a hatbox and a suitcase in his hands. Liermo
puts things on the floor. He was soaked to the skin.
Liermo. Not appeased. Like a bucket. And damn suitcases weigh
be healthy. Listen, Justina, don Enrique hasn't left with this lady yet?
X u s t k and a. They are here in grandfather's room.
Liermo. Fine, fine, Justina, at last we are alone! (Looks at
Khustin, after a pause.) But we haven't been alone for a long time, Justina.
Justin. Still would! What a freak. Am I to blame for not
were you given vitamins?
Liermo. This is a lie, Justina! I'm not barren at all. Specifically
made up me not to live with you. And if so ... why not give me
try? Justina, I love you! I ...
Justin. Stop it, Liermo.! What are you looking at ... Get used to it: the eye sees, and
tooth…
Liermo. If you want, we can get on a motorcycle this very minute and leave Badajoz.
Do you understand that I cannot live without you? You are my wife, my life partner,
I can make you.
Justin. Oh, what a nasty boy!
Liermo. Okay, I will continue to earn money as soon as possible
I'll get you out of here and take you to Madrid so you can admire the street
Serrano.
Justin. You say terrible things. That's right, I read it into some
American comedy. Besides ... it is indecent to say such a thing to a girl from
Extremadura. Clean and unspoiled.
Liermo. Justina! Say that you do not love me, and my feet are here more
will not.
Justin. Okay, just don't tell anyone ... I think I love you everything
more from time to time ...
Liermo. Justina! My wife!
They kiss for a long time, passionately.
Justin. How rude! Or maybe the aunts are wrong! Suddenly you are real
Man!
Liermo. Come on now ... you'll see for yourself. And if I turn out to be unfit
I will never disturb you again.
X u s t n a. Okay ... Just keep in mind: I am demanding ... Come on ...
They go to the door, towards Martha, who has been a little platooning.
Martha. Hello Liermo! Are you leaving?
Justin. Yes, senora. If grandpa asks me, tell me that
I went to take the exam with Liermo.
Liermo. My poor thing! Grandpa won't even be able to ask anymore
what time is it now.
Justina (laughs). You are my stupid one. I just saw him. He was
here, went out to stretch the numb members.
Liermo. Justina! It is not true!
Khustnyaa (slaps him in the face). Truth!
Martha. It can't be, honey.
Justin. But this is absolutely true. I think he got up to call
Pirule.
Enrique appears, he heard the last phrase.
Enrique. In my opinion, Justina, this is a bad joke. It's not good to scare people.
Justin. I don't care if you believe it or not. I saw him! I him
saw and spoke to him!
Enrique. Justina, you will make me angry!
Martha. Okay, stop arguing. Once the girl assures that she saw
grandfather, so she saw him. You never lie, do you?
Khrustina. Of course, never. And for that, Aunt Laura wants to cut me off
language.
Martha. Then tell me ... I'm just wondering: the coffee that you
brought me to bed, who gave you?
Justin. I made the coffee myself, I am dexterous. And two spoons of cyanide
Aunt Laura put potassium in it. She said that you love harder.
Liermo. Sugar, scoundrel! Sugar, not potassium cyanide! You are sometimes like that
you say that fear takes me.
Martha. Did you hear Enrique? Your cousin Laura. Are you convinced? But
why? Why? I will go crazy.
Enrique (saw a suitcase and a box). And why are things here? Answer me! Why
are they here?
Liermo. I was just about to say it, but I didn't have time. Came to the station and
locked up there. There will be no trains until tomorrow.
ENRIQUE (grabs Liermo by the breasts). What have you been doing all this time?
Answer me! Did you open the suitcases?
Liermo. Hey, calm down. And take your hands. Of course I opened my suitcases. AND
you know, I didn’t go to any station. (Pause.) Well, surprised? You think that
Am I not only barren, but also a fool?
Enrique, very concerned, does not know what to do.
M a rta. What's in the suitcase? You said: Armando's things, nothing
valuable.
Liermo (laughs). Did he say so? Wit!
The door opens and Martial enters.
Martial. So, I must leave you. Hello Guillermo! How are you?
Liermo. We are spinning, we are spinning. (Nervous.) Everything is so difficult, you know ...
MARSIAL (lighting his pipe). Yes Yes. However, you are kind of strange. Me
it is difficult to deceive. Aren't you hiding anything from me?
Justin. He's terribly afraid of the dead, Don Martial. And you shouldn't be afraid
dead, and motorcycles, right?
Martial. That's right, baby. OK. I went. Tonight, I
I have a presentiment that there will be cases. I smell ... I smell ... (Stumbles over the suitcase.) These
there were no suitcases. Liermo, yours? Where did you get them? Answer me! And do not try
lie to Martial!
Liermo. Well, why ... so to speak ...
Enrique. My suitcases. I sent Liermo to check them in. But,
apparently he was late.
MARSIAL (picks up his suitcases). Heavy. Eighty kilogram. BUT
maybe they contain currency, drugs, smuggling?
Enrique. Don Martial! Do we look like smugglers?
Martha. If you like, let's open it. Medical supplies. For
work.
Martial looks at the suitcases, doesn't know what to do.
Martial. Joke. I love to embarrass people. (Puts the suitcases on the floor.) Okay,
I'm leaving. I'll be here nearby. Let the Satyr appear - he is finished.
Remember my words: tonight is an important night in the life of our city.
(Goes to the door.) Happy to stay. (Leaves.)
Enrique grabs the suitcases, wipes the sweat from his forehead.
Liermo. IN good hour, maestro! Do not be afraid of me. I'm at your service. BUT
you and I could handle things, we have something to do.
Justin. Don't listen to his brother. He tells me the same thing.
Liermo. I would be hands, and you would be a head. By the way - about the head. Here
this…
ENRIQUE (without letting him speak). Listen friend you can swear
mother who didn't open their suitcases?
Liermo. And a hatbox. (Laughs.) A worthy sight! You just
Devil.
Martha. Can you finally find out what's in this ill-fated suitcase?
Liermo. Go know - what is there. I used onions for my dried heads.
And people think they are real. And here…
Enrique. That's enough. I don't like this conversation.
Martha. Enrique, for some time now I have absolutely no idea that
happens. It seems like I'm in a labyrinth: only the light will dawn, and
you immediately run into a dead end. Here look. Your sister tried me
poison, right?
Justin. So. Potassium cyanide. Want to show me?
Martha. Yes, go get it, honey.
Justin. I will instantly. You will see now. (Leaves.)
Martha. Then this man growled and jumped here ... Satyr ...
Liermo. I'll tell you a secret, I think the Extremadura Satyr in the world
no and never was. Our mayor came up with it so that tourists
lure. As soon as the rumor went that he was doing, the Swedes immediately came here.
come, Englishwomen and even ladies from Zamora.
Martha. Then a phone call. Who could it be, Enrique? None
knows that we are here.
Liermo. It was me, senora. I called on the phone and said: “The first
January, the second of February ... ”(Laughs.)
Enrique. Well, Liermo, well, the entertainer!
Justina's voice. Martha! Martha! Come here, can't find cyanide
potassium.
Martha. Excuse me, just a minute. I'm coming, Justina! (He leaves for the kitchen.)
Liermo. See you soon, maestro. I return to my den. You know,
where to find me. Just tell me, I will do everything in the best possible way. (Leaves.)
Enrique walks to the door, makes sure it is locked. Heading towards
suitcase with jewels, opens it and smiles contentedly,
finding that everything is in place.
Eirike. Shhhh! Hey! Grandpa ... grandpa ... You can go out.
The cabinet door opens carefully. Grandpa comes out of the closet in clothes
Satire, namely - in a cloak and a hat.
Gregorio. Phew! I thought I'd never get out of the damn closet.
Enrique. What are you wearing?
Gregorio. Poor Eustakio's outfit. And he is dressed in mine. I almost
numb with cold. Didn't anyone notice the change?
Enrique. Nobody, not even Martha. People treat the dead with great
respect. And this deceased was sent to us by Providence.! What do you intend
do?
Gregorio. Get out of here. And as soon as possible. (Dials the phone number.)
Well, they will have faces when they find out that I have left and all the family fortune
grabbed! (Into the phone) Pirula ... It's me, Gregorio, your Goito ... Yes, that's all
excellent ... Then I'll tell you ... Ten minutes later on the square, on
bench ... Yes, where are the pigeons ...
The door to Grandpa's room opens and dona Socorro appears.
Socorro. Poor fellow! As if sleeping. I'm going to call you on the phone. You know
tonight we are waiting for the first kidney stone to come out of ... Ah ... Busy ...
(To Don Gregorio.) Good evening.
Gregorno. Good evening. I am finishing this minute.
Socorro. Nothing, nothing. I'll call you later. I'm in no hurry. What a grief! This is
terrible! (Goes to the door. To Enrique.) Do you know who, it seemed to me, he looks like
this señor in a raincoat?
Enrique. I know. Don Gregorio.
Socorro. What a grief! Here it is, life! Good God! I will go one more time
look at the poor thing. (Enters grandfather's room.)
Gregorio (into phone). Okay ... Don't be late ... No, nothing ... Well,
bye ... (Hangs up the phone.) That's all.
Enrique. Be careful grandfather. A certain Martial with his fellows
surrounded the block.
Gregorio. So it's time to go. When Martial is on guard -
no danger. This is our urban madman.
Eirike. Grandpa ... I want to ask you one favor.
Gregorio. Go ahead, son. If it's within my power ...
Enrique. I don’t know how to start ... I’m at a loss. (Pause.) Grandpa ... I
bad. Yes, yes, not good.
Gregorio. Bolder, my boy, bolder ... It's about Martha. Right?
Enrique. Yes, grandpa. Martha is a married woman. And what I've done is
not good. Her husband ... was my friend ... my teacher ... Thanks to him, I
learned everything that I can ... Gregorio. You and Martha love each other, right?
Enrique. That's right, grandfather.
Gregorio. Does she have money?
Enrique. Look ... (Shows him the contents of the suitcase with
jewelry.) Well, do I have a taste?
Gregorio. Bravo boy! Does your conscience torment you? You're just an artist! BUT
the kind-hearted husband probably has no idea about anything, right? (Laughs.)
Some husbands never know.
Enrique. Indeed, he knows nothing.
Gregorio. Well done! (Laughs slyly.)
Enrique. Martha's husband, Dr. Molinos, my friend, my teacher ... in this
suitcase ... and in a hat box.
Gregorio. Enrique!
Enrique (introducing them to each other). Dr. Molinos ... My grandfather.
Thunder Strike.
Gregorio. Race ...
Enrique. Dismembered.
Gregorno. Martha in the know?
Enrique. And he doesn't guess. Armando suddenly found out about our relationship,
I had no choice: I had to do an autopsy ... unfortunately, alive.
And now I'm sorry. I had no intention of going that far ... but losing Martha ... with
jewels ... I just went crazy! And as proof that everything is pure
however, I brought it with me and was going to check it in luggage, to Pamplona. That's why
that more than anything he loved Sanfermin. How he shouted at
bullfight! And when the bulls were driven into the arena, he ran in front, in white pants and in
Basque beret! The heart was glad to see. The spitting image of an Englishman. (Pause.)
Do you think I did something wrong?
Gregorio. I always said that you will go far, my boy ... When
you were a child, this family, these monsters, called you a sadist.
Enrique. I want to ask you: take it with you. And at the first
opportunities to send luggage to Pamplona. He will be very grateful to you.
Gregorio. Luck in life is the first thing. You helped me a lot today, and I
I can’t refuse you. Suitcase and hatbox?
Enrique (hugs him). Thank you, grandpa. I will never forget this.
Gregorio. Nonsense. You - me today, I - you tomorrow. Noise.
Enrique. Quicker! Hide! In my opinion, they are coming here.
Grandpa hides in the closet again, Laura enters.
Laura. Enrique, are you alone? I am pleased. How to understand this? Are you kidding me?
Enrique. Do not understand what you talking about.
Laura. You understand perfectly well, but they are bad jokes with me. Who is that lies in
to the coffin, with such a serious look, like a dead man?
Enrique. Like who? Grandpa. Who else?
Laura. Ha ha! No matter how it is! Grandpa was much more disgusting. And this one
looks like a basque.
Enrique. Well, you know, some people win outwardly with death, and then,
of course they change again. I've been researching this question, Laura. Become completely
pale, nose sharpened. And it always paints.
Laura. And the mustache?
Enrique. Did you notice? Mustache ... so how? Do they suit him? I believe that a man
a mustache should generally be worn. Mustache and military service- the only thing that
distinguishes a man from a woman.
Laura. Grandpa never had a mustache! What more! No beard!
Enrique. What nonsense! All men have mustaches. It's just that some people shave them, and
others do not, but I think one should wear a mustache. Only the elephant has no mustache. Because of
trunk, I suppose. But the elephant has a memory. (Falls into thoughtfulness.)
Laura. Do you take me for a complete fool?
Dona Socorro appears.
Socorro. Poor fellow! Such a serious lie, just think! Yes Laura,
ask your brother when the rest of the musicians come.
Laura. Leave me, dona Socorro, not for you. She claims that
musicians from the ensemble should come. Supposedly she had already seen one, he
talked on the phone.
Socorro. Pure truth... Isn't that right, young man?
Enrique. Quite right, senora.
Laura. Enrique, let's go talk. We must end this now.
Enrique. Laura, I assure you ...
Laura. Strange things are happening. The sooner we find out, the better.
Enrique. I agree. Went.
Enrique and Laura go to grandfather's room. Doña Socorro, with interest
listening to the last phrases, she is left alone. Goes to the phone, dials the number.
Don Gregorio crawls out of the closet, goes to the suitcases and the hat
box, picks them up and intends to crawl out through the balcony onto the street. But
changes his mind, leaves the suitcase, takes the suitcase of jewels.
He is about to jump off the balcony when dona Socorro notices him.
Socorro. Listen, are you leaving already?
Gregorio. I'm leaving, but I'll be back this minute.
Socorro. Ah ... along with the others?
Gregorio. Well, of course. Together with everyone else. You will see.
Socorro. Wait, do you know the song "Carnations"?
Gregorio. Of course, senora. We do it best.
Socorro. So: don't sing it. I can't stand this song. Best wishes.
Gregorio. Best wishes. (Leaves through the balcony with Martha's suitcase
and with a hat box.)
A large suitcase remains on the stage, in which, apparently, there is
body of Armando Molinos.
Socorro (on the phone). Is that you, Rosario? Who is asking her? "Ambulance
help ”… yes Socorro. Hello, honey! Yes, I'm calling from them. Do not try
come. Have you already put on a sailor's jacket on the boy? So what, listen to me. This is
the scantiest vigil in my memory. Don Gregorio ... He didn't even receive the Holy Communion.
Take off your clothes and go to bed. This is something ... A shot is heard from the street.
Goodbye, Rosario, goodbye ... I'll go and see what's on the street ... It seems
festive fireworks. (Hangs up the phone. Goes into Don Gregorio's room.)
From the street you can hear the stomping of people running. Whistles, shots. Long pause.
Only the sound of rain is heard. Laura comes out of the grandfather's room, pushing in front of
a wheelchair with Dona Adela.
Adela. Don't do this anymore. In no case! I won't let you
daughter!
Laura. But mom!
Adela. I said no! For this to be the last time. I just don't
I can come to my senses.
Laura. I tell you it was necessary.
Adela. What barbarity! Get the man out of the coffin, put on the ass
and measure, as if it is a recruit, and not a dead man!
Laura. But mom, how tall was your grandfather?
Adela. Well ... meter sixty-five, like any normal Spaniard.
Laura. And this monk?
Adela. Do not know. But remember what Enrique said ... Maybe he was the last
the moment stretched out.
Laura. And the face? Have you seen his face?
Adela. Daughter! What are you saying! I looked like that, in general. This is a dead man
not a Swedish brand that should be viewed through a magnifying glass.
Laura. Mom, this one in a coffin in a monk's cassock has a mustache.
Adela. Just think! Or maybe he really is a monk.
Laura. Anyone but grandpa. I am absolutely sure of that.
Adela. Where, then, is he? Do you think that Enrique ...
Laura. I am convinced. Remember, for two whole hours he did not let us into grandfather's
room.
Adela. Babe! You're scaring me. So ... this one that lies in the room ...
Dona Socorro enters very quickly, heads swiftly towards
phone, dials the number.
Socorro. Rosario? This is me, "Ambulance". Yes, again ... Quickly, put on
boy sailor, take your husband, hook the ribbon around your neck and soon - here ... Treats
almost none! But they pulled Don Gregorio out of the coffin, put him on his feet,
to the bullfight, or what, they are going to take! And their nephew, he is a doctor, shaves
his mustache ... Look, they'll put a cigar in his mouth ... Hurry. Until ... (puts
pipe.) Are you not interested in looking at this?
Laura. Say, shaves off his mustache?
Socorro. Well yes! And dona Veneranda draws an anchor on his hand, just like
what don Gregorio had ... worn out, probably ... Okay ... I went ... (Quickly
leaves.)
Laura. Well, are you convinced now, Mom?
Adela. Yes, now there is no doubt. Enrique started something, and what - we are not
we know. But the jewels are still here ... You don't have to worry about your grandfather, and
jewelry and money are ours. And with this - we'll add more cyanide. WITH
with or without milk ... All the same.
Laura. Okay Mom. I won't miss this time. let's open
suitcase. Better to take out the jewelry. And let's see the passport again
you never know what ... (Goes to the suitcase.)
Adela. Greed haunts you. Careful baby! The hour is not flat
will come in, it's not good if they see you rummaging in your suitcase.
Laura. You have prejudices, like decent and hard-working people, they are
they are destroyed. (Opening the suitcase.) Well, finally!
Adela (pulls closer). Well ... well ...
Laura. How strange! Shove the jewelry into a black plastic bag.
A d e la. Yeah ... And tie it up with a rope, like a sausage.
Laura. Wonderful ... Very ... Let's turn it around.
Martha appears with a tray with cups of coffee on it.
Martha. Well, the night was outstanding! ' A cup of coffee works wonders. Listen,
in my opinion, it is not good to rummage in someone else's suitcase.
L a u r a. But if the content is so strange ...
M a rta. I don't see anything strange. Clothes, personal belongings, passport,
jewelry. Adela. And you keep it all in a black plastic bag
tied with a rope?
Martha. What did you say?
Liermo enters, flows from him, in his hands a hat-box; followed by
him - Justina.
Liermo. Gone again! Awesome guy!
Justin. Who left?
Liermo. Extremadura Satyr. About fifteen people were chasing him, and ...
Enrique appears and listens to Liermo's story.
And he left everyone with a nose. He ran faster than a doe.
Laura. You saw him? Nice?
Liermo. Seen from afar. In a raincoat and a huge hat. And from some
balconies, women cheered him up, threw flowers. Exciting!
Martha. That means he didn’t die. Thank God. (Goes to the balcony, looks at the street.)
Liermo. Here you are. I do not know how Satyr contrived, but only he
visited your house and took that box away. (Gives the hatbox.) On the run
threw it, I saw it and brought it. Well, the smart guy Liermo?
Laura. Have you been to our house? Weird. Mom, maybe he finally made up his mind ...
I'm not married!
Adela. Daughter, you speak as if he is not a geek, but an engineer.
The doorbell rings.
Laura. Weird! Who would it be?
Justin. Open?
Laura. Open, unfit.
Justin. I went. If it's a Satyr with a wedding ring, will I let it in?
Laura. Don't joke like that, you despicable one. Love is a noble feeling.
Justina leaves to open the door.
Martha (to Enrique). Enrique, you're right. I was acting like a fool. This senor,
probably just fainted, and then ...
Enrique. Okay, let's not talk about that anymore.
Everyone is silent. Martial appears on the doorstep. Behind him is Justina.
Martial. Good evening. (He takes out a pipe, fills it, lights a cigarette.)
Laura (bursts out laughing). Come in, come in, “The Thunderstorm of Badajoz” (Not
ceasing to laugh.) And where is the Satyr? Where are you doing him? Didn't you promise us
tonight ... Oh, you toy Sherlock Holmes! (Laughs, laughs.)
Commercials ... the stomach can be torn. Adela. Okay, that's enough, Laura.
Martial looks around one by one, as if savoring
situation.
Liermo. Look how he laughs!
Justin. I only saw her laugh so hard once - this is when
a mine exploded and thirty-six miners were killed. Three hours in a row
laughed, then I had to put a compress on her lower back.
Enrique. Apparently you have come for Mother, Commissioner?
Martial. Not only. Laugh at first for your pleasure, let's see
who will have the last laugh.
Enrique. What do you want to say?
Martial. That this is in vain. I know everything. (Enters the room.)
Adela (blows the whistle). Baby, come on, Martial knows everything.
Pause.
Martial. I feel sorry for you. The culprit is always at a disadvantage.
Justin. Wonderful words. Have you come up with it yourself?
Martial. No, my father.
Enrique. I'm sorry. You just said that you know everything. BUT
what exactly do you know?
Martial. For example, about a suitcase. (Lights up his pipe.)
Long pause. All look at each other.
Justin. Well! You know about the suitcase! You know about the suitcase! Aunt,
aunt, Martial knows about the suitcase. What about the suitcase?
Martial. This will be the pinnacle of my career.
Laura. Okay, Martial, that's enough. Get to the point. What suitcase are you
mean? And what do we, peaceful provincials have to do with some
suitcase?
Martial. You will find out now. Dona Adela, I'm so sorry that this
happens in your house and at such inopportune moments, but I must do
own responsibilities. Liermo, do me a favor, come with me.
Liermo. Who? I? And what am I? What have I done?
Martial. Don't you really know? Opium, marijuana, hashish, morphine,
insulin? All possible drugs. All imaginable and unthinkable contraband
imaginable and unthinkable goods: lighters, transistors, nylon underwear,
banned magazines, and in addition a complete collection of extremely curious postcards.
All this is hidden in your room, in a suitcase.
Liermo. You have to live. Small carelessness, for a break-in.
Martial. I've been following the trail for several months now. I knew that smuggling
comes from Portugal, and today he finally revealed everything. Come on, boy.
Martha. Not good, Liermo.
Liermo. And I knew that! I was given money to wear things
where ordered, I wore. What is there to do?
Laura. What a disgrace! There is a criminal in our family!
Adela. Personally, I never liked this young man.
Martial. Well, Liermo, let's go.
Liermo. Went. Goodbye, Justina. Remember me at least sometimes.
Justin. Come to your room and grab the scarf that I knitted for you.
It will come in handy. And behave yourself. They will not execute you. Don't look at night
go outside, especially in winter. Well! Goodbye and be smart.
Martha. Goodbye, Liermo. Dont be upset. Anything happens in life
and everything goes away. Everything in the world passes, and you are still young. You still have everything
ahead.
Liermo. Yes of course. And I really liked you too.
Martial. Went. Don't worry, you don't have to accompany me. I know
road. Tell your mother that I will come for her in a while. AND
sorry for these unpleasant moments. Goodbye.
Both leave. Long pause.
Laura. What does it mean - conscience is restless! Isn't it, brother? How do you
turned pale.
Enrique. I? What for? What nonsense!
Martha. Enrique, what does your cousin want to say?
Laura. You will find out in a minute. I don't like people who are hiding something. Have
in our family, morality is above all. You, senora, married, not so
is it?
Martha. Yes, that's right. But I love Enrique. My husband and I did not understand each other.
Adela. Is he Swedish?
Martha. No, but all the same. He is twenty years older than me, even more.
I never loved him. And I married him only because of two things, so
serious that can persuade a woman like me to marry a smart and bald
a man. He loved me and was a millionaire.
Adela. Smart - and a millionaire? And you say that he is not a Swede?
Martha. No, he is from Cordoba, but he was lucky - he won the lottery. BUT
then I met Enrique, and we decided to leave Spain, start a new
a life.
Laura. For the same lottery money ...
Martha. No, I only took my jewelry with me ... Gifts,
which he gave me.
Adela. And in the hat box?
Martha. I swear to you ... I don't know ...
Enrique. Well, okay ... This interrogation, in my opinion, is simply ridiculous, besides,
you have no right to it ...
Laura. In my opinion, everything is very strange ... Enrique, who is in the coffin? AND
why do you keep jewelry in a black plastic bag?
Enryake. How! What are you saying?
Adela. Yes ... in this suitcase ... I saw it myself, and even bandaged
rope.
Enrique. Like this? Martha, leave us a minute. Go look at
grandfather. I have to talk to my family.
Martha. Okay, Enrique, okay. (Goes to grandfather's room.)
ENRIQUE (goes to the suitcase, opens it). Damn it! (Starts
laugh.) Great, you cheated us, grandfather! Great!
Adela. What are you saying?
Laura (to Justine). Honey ... Go to the kitchen.
Khustin. Warm up coffee?
Laura. Yes, yes ... Just go away.
Justina leaves, grabbing coffee.
Well, finally speak up, we are listening.
Enrique. Do you want to know who is in the coffin? Know: Extremadura Satyr.
Adela. What?
L a u r a. Are you crazy? Do you want to annoy me?
Enryake. He drank the coffee you made for Martha. Grandpa about
I guessed everyone, and the two of us came up with a plan for how to escape from here in clothes
Satire and with all your money ... Great, you cheated us, grandfather!
Great! Now, you must be laughing, tearing yourself up! Rogue!
Adela. Oh, my daughter ... How it all looks like the truth.
Enrique. The story doesn't end there. Grandpa took the suitcase with
with Martha's jewels. And he left us this one and the hatbox.
Laura. What's in them? Money too?
Enrique. It's cold, sister, it's very cold ... My family is stupider than
I thought. In them - Dr. Molinos ... Complete set: head and body ... Voila!
Laura. You're lying!
Enrique. Open?
Adela. Thank God, your daddy did his dirty deed in time ... Not that
would paralyze me now.
Enrique. So ... your nephew Enrique ... a black sheep ... one
in a word, you see for yourself, as crazy as all of you. Because already
I have been carrying these suitcases with me for twelve hours and still have not hanged myself.
Pause.
Laura. Witty! And people naively believe that the deceased is in that
room!
Adela. Goodbye travel! Goodbye Our Lady of Lourdes!
Enrique. Why the hell did I want to sleep in this damn house? I
I knew what kind of people you were. I always knew.
Justina appears with coffee and coffee cups.
Justin. And here is the coffee. (Bypasses all in turn.) You, brother, how -
with or without milk? Enryake. Without.
Justina pours him a drink, he drinks.
Laura. With milk, a little bit.
Justina pours, Laura drinks.
Justin. And you, auntie?
Adela. To me? Poison for me ... To die.
X u s t a n a. Well, it will be, auntie. Keep ... delicious. (Pours
her.) Milk ... Adela. No, don't ... Better black ... like we all ... (Drinks.)
Khustiaa. Well, finally, some fun! And I had no time for fun ...
Now I am as cheerful and contented as a Christmas tree ... Russian tree,
of course.
Laura. Honey, what did you put in your coffee?
Enrique. Strange taste ... and smells like a station buffet.
Adela. It smells like potassium cyanide. I know this smell just as well
French perfume.
Laura. What did you put in your coffee? Answer me!
Khustiaa. What else? White powder, which I brought in the evening ... It is not
sugar?
Laura. Justina!
Justin. Did I do something wrong? My God, whatever I do - it's not
so ... Well ... Turn your cheek again?
Laura. Don't ... now it doesn't matter. (Sits at the table with a brazier.)
Adela. Enrique ... We're all finished!
Enrique. Yes, auntie ... There are three empty seats in hell ... waiting for us. (Sits down
on the chair.)
Pause.
Justin. What is it ... Everyone is so serious! Well! Have fun!
Grandpa died ... What more do you want? Do you want me to tell you what I'm reading about now?
No, I'd rather go for a doll, I sleep so well with it ... Well, what kind of
people, I don't understand you in any way ... Okay ... I'll go get the doll, right away
cheer up ... (Sings.) “I want to become tall and slender, and grow to
the moon ... Oh-oh-oh! .. And grow to the moon, and grow to the moon "... (Singing,
exits.)
Adela. Daughter, maybe call a doctor?
Laura. It is useless ... Doctors now give lectures rather than cure.
Adela. You're a doctor, Enrique ... What to do?
Enrique. The same as me: to pray ... and wait: what if you get lucky?
Martha appears.
Martha. Day breaks ... And the rain has stopped. It seems: a new day is coming, and
ended a terrible night with nightmares.
(Pause.)
The three characters on stage do not move. Martha doesn't look at them. It seems,
she
is about to cry. Justina's children's song is heard from afar.
I decided: I won't go with you ... and don't ask why. You yourself
someday you will answer this question. Terrible, Enrique, I love you very much
more life, but I return to Madrid, to my husband ... And it is better that we never
never saw you again. It was necessary immediately, without a moment's hesitation, to go to
Portugal ... I asked you, Enrique, to take me away ... And you all
kept repeating: my family, the only native people ... Dear handsome old man ...
an unfortunate paralyzed woman ... her daughter, a good-natured spinster ... and
poor baby, mentally retarded ... Peaceful, calm house ... they are all for you
will love it ... they are a part of my life. I didn't want to, I said that neither to
what:., that Portugal is very close ... and you, you ... Enrique, did not listen
me…
It's dawn outside the window. Martha, without looking at those present, takes her coat and,
extinguish the light, goes out. Three on stage sit motionless, illuminated by the morning
light falling through the balcony door. Justina enters with a doll, hums:
“I’ll put on a little blue dress for a doll ...” He looks at the seated and, nothing
realizing, sits on the floor, lulls her doll Rosalinda. Falls very slowly
A curtain

—————————————————————
Ed. magazine "Contemporary Drama", 1991
OCR: Valentin Lupenko

Juan Jose Alonso Millán

The secret of success

Telling the reader of his plays about himself - these kinds of mini-autobiographies usually take up the back cover - Juan José

Alonso Millian does it like a humorist. He seems to offer us a portrait of another character who preferred the fun craft of a comedian to the boredom of scientific studies.

We learn that the author of the play that fell into our hands was born in Madrid in 1936 and, having reached his student age, felt an inexplicable attraction to the theater, but “due to poor memory and an excess of self-criticism,” he gave up acting and took up directing. However, he did not stay long in the role of a director staging other people's plays (classics and contemporaries), and one fine day he felt - "like any Spaniard" - the temptation to write a comedy. Not that the trouble, he recalls what he wrote, but that it was staged: the debut of the young comedian was unsuccessful and cost the owner of the Moscow theater "Lara" a round sum. Nevertheless, since then, Alonso Millian writes regularly one or two plays a year. No, not indulging myself with the illusion that he creates for eternity (“I regret almost everything that I have written”), but obviously feeling my vocation in this craft.

The number of plays he wrote - about sixty - is somewhat staggering. Apparently, this creative indefatigability is explained not only by the writer's temperament, but also by another happy circumstance for the author: Alonso Miglian's comedies are accompanied by constant audience success. And his audience is not limited to the borders of Spain: his plays are published in France, Italy, Germany, staged in Europe and America.

It should be added that Alonso Millian writes not only for the theater, but also for film and television, and puts his own plays himself. By all accounts of critics, Alonso Migliana's theater is predominantly entertainment. Some of them believe that the playwright, yielding to the wishes of the public, infringes on his talent. They refer to his "serious" plays: "Civil Status - Martha" (1969), "Secular Games" (1970). (In the first case it is a psychological drama, in the second - a play that poses ethical problems.) One way or another, Alonso Millian prefers to amuse the audience rather than burden them with the eternal problems of humanity. It has already been said about self-esteem above, but a critical attitude towards his works does not prevent the author from feeling tenderness for some of them. Among his favorite playwright are the plays "Potassium cyanide ... with or without milk?"

Dialogue is recognized as the strong point of Alonso Millian's comedies. Often the playwright includes in the speech of characters all sorts of platitudes, linguistic clichés in order to turn them in the future in the most unexpected way. Using this verbal pyrotechnics, combining it with elements of black humor and theater of the absurd, as well as resorting to the methods of the detective genre in the development of intrigue, the comedian keeps the viewer in suspense, every now and then presenting him with "surprises".

Perhaps the readers of the comedy offered here will more than once be taken by surprise by the "jokes" and "surprises" that the author has prepared for them.

Valentina Ginko.

Potassium cyanide ... with or without milk?

Farce in two acts, with a touch of black humor, written Juan Jose Alonso Millian

Translated from Spanish by Lyudmila Sinyavskaya

To help the viewer:

In order for the viewer to immediately understand with whom he is dealing, we offer a brief description of the characters, which is useful both for those who have a weak memory and for those who love order.

Martha- an amazing young lady. She is twenty-four years old, but you won't give her more than twenty-three, which is not so bad. She is married, and she likes this role, but she loves the role in this play even more.

Enrique- an amazing man. Handsome in anger, brought up and educated like no other, and thin, like a kid's glove. Has an extraordinary dignity - to enchant everyone. To such an extent that everyone wants to immediately take him to their house, once and for all.

Adela- her legs are paralyzed, and only for this reason, for no other reason, she carries out all the action without getting off the comfortable chair on wheels. And despite all this, she is unhappy.

Laura- the daughter of dona Adela, an old maid from birth. She is now forty years old, but many argue that she was never eighteen.

Don Gregorio- is in a state of death throes due to his extremely advanced age. You can even feel good feelings for a person in this position.

Justina- niece. Not a girl, but a candy, moreover mentally retarded. As, however, most of the women whom we all know well: by the age of five, their minds get tired of working.

Liermo- barren, his real name is Guillermo. But people with the best intentions call him this affectionate pet name, since he cannot have children. Married to Justin.

Lady Agatha- does not participate in the action, it is mentioned solely to decorate the program.

Eustakio- the most beautiful man, but inert provincials christened him the Extremadura Satyr.

Doña Socorro- "Ambulance". On duty, this is her occupation. Once on the beach, she overheated in the sun, and since then, if she does not understand something in a conversation, she immediately associates it with the Sixth Commandment.

Doña Veneranda- "Venerable". Inseparable girlfriend of the previous one; in addition, she has a son, and he has already become a real man, since he lived to be thirty-seven years old; according to dona Veneranda, he is her consolation in old age.

Martial- the son of dona Veneranda. Detective by profession and vocation; of course, she lives at the expense of her mother, and she, according to rumors, made a fortune somewhere in Africa in the century before last.

Guests, locals, bourgeois and petitioners, petty deities, sorceresses, gnomes, dancers, singers and one gendarme. And also the Madrid-Irun express, which rushes at speed through the second act.

The comedy takes place in Vadajoz (Extremadura), in the Spanish province located in the west of Spain between 37 ° 56 minutes and 39 ° 27 seconds north latitude of the Madrid meridian.

The action takes place on the evening of All Saints Day, on the eve of Memorial Day.

First act

The action takes place from start to finish in the living room of a provincial house where a middle-class family lives; this room is unusually ugly and depressing. Three doors leading to rooms and one to a balcony are used along the way.

The curtain rises at the moment when the hands of the clock have passed eleven in the night, the harsh Badajoz night. "You can feel the approach of a thunderstorm.

Cold. Dona Adela is sitting in a wheelchair. Laura is on the phone; Dona Veneranda and Dona Socorro are seated at the table with a brazier to keep the feet warm. A little off to the side, on a chair, is Martial, dressed exactly as Sherlock Holmes would have dressed if he happened to spend the night in Vadajoz.

Intermittent, plaintive groans are heard from the room in the back. These are the sounds of grandfather's death throes.

Laura (talking on the phone). Wait, I'll write it down ... (Takes a sheet of paper and a pencil.) So, you pour water, plain, from the tap, and let it boil ... Yes, it boils for a few seconds ... Then you throw the black grains ... Oh, yes ... First you need to grind them, of course ... and cover with something flat. Then you wait eight minutes ... Great ... I think I can ... Then you filter through something that can be filtered ... and pour the black liquid into a clean vessel ... Great ... Yes ... What? .. Wonderful! (Covering the receiver with his hand.) Mother!

Adela... What, baby?

Laura... You can have it with bread! Awesome, right?

Adela... This coffee is a devilish invention.

Laura(in tube). I see ... Thank you so much ... Same ... Same to you ... Goodbye, Amelia. (Hangs up the phone.) Finally, Mom. Finally I figured out how to make coffee!

Veneranda... Black or with milk?

Adela... For God's sake, dona Veneranda, you want too much! Sure same; black, the easiest way to cook it. But Laura will practice and I’m sure she will be able to cook with milk one Fine Day, if need be.

Socorro... Your daughter has a culinary talent. Talent, and nothing more.

Laura... Mom, I made up my mind! There won't be a misfire tonight.

Juan Jose Alonso Millán

The secret of success

Telling the reader of his plays about himself - these kinds of mini-autobiographies usually take up the back cover - Juan José

Alonso Millian does it like a humorist. He seems to offer us a portrait of another character who preferred the fun craft of a comedian to the boredom of scientific studies.

We learn that the author of the play that fell into our hands was born in Madrid in 1936 and, having reached his student age, felt an inexplicable attraction to the theater, but “due to poor memory and an excess of self-criticism,” he gave up acting and took up directing. However, he did not stay long in the role of a director staging other people's plays (classics and contemporaries), and one fine day he felt - "like any Spaniard" - the temptation to write a comedy. Not that the trouble, he recalls what he wrote, but that it was staged: the debut of the young comedian was unsuccessful and cost the owner of the Moscow theater "Lara" a round sum. Nevertheless, since then, Alonso Millian writes regularly one or two plays a year. No, not indulging myself with the illusion that he creates for eternity (“I regret almost everything that I have written”), but obviously feeling my vocation in this craft.

The number of plays he wrote - about sixty - is somewhat staggering. Apparently, this creative indefatigability is explained not only by the writer's temperament, but also by another happy circumstance for the author: Alonso Miglian's comedies are accompanied by constant audience success. And his audience is not limited to the borders of Spain: his plays are published in France, Italy, Germany, staged in Europe and America.

It should be added that Alonso Millian writes not only for the theater, but also for film and television, and puts his own plays himself. By all accounts of critics, Alonso Migliana's theater is predominantly entertainment. Some of them believe that the playwright, yielding to the wishes of the public, infringes on his talent. They refer to his "serious" plays: "Civil Status - Martha" (1969), "Secular Games" (1970). (In the first case it is a psychological drama, in the second - a play that poses ethical problems.) One way or another, Alonso Millian prefers to amuse the audience rather than burden them with the eternal problems of humanity. It has already been said about self-esteem above, but a critical attitude towards his works does not prevent the author from feeling tenderness for some of them. Among his favorite playwright are the plays "Potassium cyanide ... with or without milk?"

Dialogue is recognized as the strong point of Alonso Millian's comedies. Often the playwright includes in the speech of characters all sorts of platitudes, linguistic clichés in order to turn them in the future in the most unexpected way. Using this verbal pyrotechnics, combining it with elements of black humor and theater of the absurd, as well as resorting to the methods of the detective genre in the development of intrigue, the comedian keeps the viewer in suspense, every now and then presenting him with "surprises".

Perhaps the readers of the comedy offered here will more than once be taken by surprise by the "jokes" and "surprises" that the author has prepared for them.

Valentina Ginko.

Potassium cyanide ... with or without milk?

Farce in two acts, with a touch of black humor, written Juan Jose Alonso Millian

Translated from Spanish by Lyudmila Sinyavskaya

To help the viewer:

In order for the viewer to immediately understand with whom he is dealing, we offer a brief description of the characters, which is useful both for those who have a weak memory and for those who love order.

Martha- an amazing young lady. She is twenty-four years old, but you won't give her more than twenty-three, which is not so bad. She is married, and she likes this role, but she loves the role in this play even more.

Enrique- an amazing man. Handsome in anger, brought up and educated like no other, and thin, like a kid's glove. Has an extraordinary dignity - to enchant everyone. To such an extent that everyone wants to immediately take him to their house, once and for all.

Adela- her legs are paralyzed, and only for this reason, for no other reason, she carries out all the action without getting off the comfortable chair on wheels. And despite all this, she is unhappy.

Laura- the daughter of dona Adela, an old maid from birth. She is now forty years old, but many argue that she was never eighteen.

Don Gregorio- is in a state of death throes due to his extremely advanced age. You can even feel good feelings for a person in this position.